Help please she won't go to sleep!

livelaughlove22 · Sep 02, 2014 at 09:54 PM

I am taking care of my friends little girl while she gets help for depression. The little girl has spent the last 2.5 years being sexually abused by her dad and doesn't respond to any affection, she has reactive attachment disorder.

I'm trying to get her to go to sleep and nothing is working. She's screaming and crying and throwing a fit. Please help.

Can't Stop Crying · Sep 03, 2014 at 02:34 AM

Sometimes they just need to get it out of their system. If all else fails, make sure she is safe and let her get it out. Eventually she will wear herself out and fall asleep.

It's a unique situation so I'm not sure that any of the standard things would work - like a bath or story.

I feel for you. Does her therapist have any suggestions for bedtime?

Can't Stop Crying · Sep 03, 2014 at 04:00 AM

Has she settled down any?

livelaughlove22 · Sep 03, 2014 at 04:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Has she settled down any?

No

I don't know what to do

Can't Stop Crying · Sep 03, 2014 at 04:15 AM

I am so sorry, I was hoping she would have worn herself out by now. Poor thing - she probably doesn't understand anything that is happening right now. Does she have the opportunity to talk to or visit her mom?
She must be so scared and confused. Fortunately, you have her now and can help her feel safe again.
My father started abusing me when I was 5. I wish I could remember what I wanted/needed at that time so I could offer some insight.
Stay strong....we are all here to support you!

livelaughlove22 · Sep 03, 2014 at 04:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

I am so sorry, I was hoping she would have worn herself out by now. Poor thing - she probably doesn't understand anything that is happening right now. Does she have the opportunity to talk to or visit her mom?
She must be so scared and confused. Fortunately, you have her now and can help her feel safe again.
My father started abusing me when I was 5. I wish I could remember what I wanted/needed at that time so I could offer some insight.
Stay strong....we are all here to support you!

I am so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for the support. It's best if she doesn't talk to her right now. It'll be a long while until that happens.

Can't Stop Crying · Sep 03, 2014 at 05:17 AM

How are you doing with all of this? I imagine it is taking a toll on you!

Caseymoff · Sep 03, 2014 at 05:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by livelaughlove22

I am taking care of my friends little girl while she gets help for depression. The little girl has spent the last 2.5 years being sexually abused by her dad and doesn't respond to any affection, she has reactive attachment disorder.

I'm trying to get her to go to sleep and nothing is working. She's screaming and crying and throwing a fit. Please help.

Just put some children's tv on, wrap her up in a blanket if she'll let you, and watch tv with her. try to get her to sit with you, eventually she will calm down. lie down with her. poor thing

Open Eyes · Sep 03, 2014 at 10:53 AM

Sometimes what is actually needed is for a child to be allowed to just scream and cry and express their emotions. When a child is abused they are not allowed to do that, just as many adults feel it is wrong to "feel" too.

How old is this child?

I know it is natural for you to want to "comfort" this child, but this child has been violated physically and touched in a way that intruded on her. This is quite a challenge to help a child heal from too.

How to work with a child like this is to be "present" yet allowing the child to make the decisions and have some "space" to do just that.

When I was little I did not like being "held", that is because I had been invaded by both my older siblings and all I wanted to do was "do it self" to be honest. When a child is finally allowed to have their own space, that child can slowly gain the courage to engage more. This child was invaded by an adult, that means "all adults" are a threat and "touching and holding" does not comfort or provide "safe" feelings.

I am sorry you are struggling with this child, you need to understand this is truly not your fault and I know you want to "hold and comfort" but often that is really the "opposite" of what that child needs. Often "safe" will mean ability to just be and develop "self" identity without any kind of "confinement". It is going to take time and "touching" needs to be what the child wants in terms of the child having/making the choices about being in control of the touching.

This can mean having things where the child can use her own touching like "finger painting" and playing with clay and coloring and even styling a dolls hair or just touching and playing with toys too. Your presence should be that of being there so she can know you as someone who "protects her need for space" so she can begin to interact with things around her as "she" chooses. You can have some activities like playing with playdough where she sees you creating things on your own. She may choose to get up and distance, that is "ok" that is how she is going to learn to have her "own" control and then slowly decide to come back to whatever activity "you" are doing.

You can read to her, pick simple and interesting things, things where a charactor is being "independent" and it's ok if she is "not" sitting next to you too. You can actually be a person who is presenting things to her, your own free will and what it looks like and that it is ok, but at the same time letting her be distant and decide how much she wants to interact. Right now the only thing she knows is to cry to create "distance", the opposite of crying to ask for physical comfort.

Another thing I would do is I would just sit and play with animals or dolls in front of her.
I would have a doll that plays a charactor that wants to be independent and when other dolls want to touch this doll, the doll says "no" and the other dolls give this doll permission to say "no" and then have this doll do things that are fun and adventurous. Then I would have this doll come across another doll that is crying hurt and lonely and this doll comforts the doll that was hurt and tells the doll it's ok, I was hurt too, lets just play and do fun things together ok?

A pile of sand is another really great thing too. My older brother was a child that was punished a lot and had no friends. I decided to play with him and we played with cars and build roads in that sand pile. I let him decide about the roads, no touching just playing, no yelling just playing and letting him choose. I knew he needed that because that is what I needed to.

So, you cannot tower over this child in any way, play with her doing fun things where "she" gets to make choices, even if she chooses not to play, that is ok you keep playing as she chooses to distance. She needs to have space to "make her own choices" and learn that she can do that in not just "cry".

OE

Can't Stop Crying · Sep 03, 2014 at 04:51 PM

I found this link with some helpful ideas:

Attachment Disorders & Reactive Attachment Disorder: Symptoms, Treatment & Hope for Children with Insecure Attachment

Quote:

A note to parents of adopted or foster care children with reactive attachment disorder
If you have adopted a child, you may not have been aware of reactive attachment disorder. Anger or unresponsiveness from your new child can be heartbreaking and difficult to understand. Try to remember that your adopted child isn’t acting out because of lack of love for you. Their experience hasn’t prepared them to bond with you, and they can’t yet recognize you as a source of love and comfort. Your efforts to love them will have an impact—it just may take some time.
Repairing reactive attachment disorder: Tips for making your child feel safe and secure
Safety is the core issue for children with reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems. They are distant and distrustful because they feel unsafe in the world. They keep their guard up to protect themselves, but it also prevents them from accepting love and support. So before anything else, it is essential to build up your child’s sense of security. You can accomplish this by establishing clear expectations and rules of behavior, and by responding consistently so your child knows what to expect when he or she acts a certain way and—even more importantly—knows that no matter what happens, you can be counted on.

Set limits and boundaries. Consistent, loving boundaries make the world seem more predictable and less scary to children with attachment problems such as reactive attachment disorder. It’s important that they understand what behavior is expected of them, what is and isn’t acceptable, and what the consequences will be if they disregard the rules. This also teaches them that they have more control over what happens to them than they think.
Take charge, yet remain calm when your child is upset or misbehaving. Remember that “bad” behavior means that your child doesn’t know how to handle what he or she is feeling and needs your help. By staying calm, you show your child that the feeling is manageable. If he or she is being purposefully defiant, follow through with the pre-established consequences in a cool, matter-of-fact manner. But never discipline a child with an attachment disorder when you’re in an emotionally-charged state. This makes the child feel more unsafe and may even reinforce the bad behavior, since it’s clear it pushes your buttons.
Be immediately available to reconnect following a conflict. Conflict can be especially disturbing for children with insecure attachment or attachment disorders. After a conflict or tantrum where you’ve had to discipline your child, be ready to reconnect as soon as he or she is ready. This reinforces your consistency and love, and will help your child develop a trust that you’ll be there through thick and thin.
Own up to mistakes and initiate repair. When you let frustration or anger get the best of you or you do something you realize is insensitive, quickly address the mistake. Your willingness to take responsibility and make amends can strengthen the attachment bond. Children with reactive attachment disorder or other attachment problems need to learn that although you may not be perfect, they will be loved, no matter what.
Try to maintain predictable routines and schedules. A child with an attachment disorder won’t instinctively rely on loved ones, and may feel threatened by transition and inconsistency—for example when traveling or during school vacations. A familiar routine or schedule can provide comfort during times of change.

Quote:

Repairing reactive attachment disorders: Tips for helping your child feel loved
A child who has not bonded early in life will have a hard time accepting love, especially physical expressions of love. But you can help them learn to accept your love with time, consistency, and repetition. Trust and security come from seeing loving actions, hearing reassuring words, and feeling comforted over and over again.

Find things that feel good to your child. If possible, show your child love through rocking, cuddling, and holding—attachment experiences he or she missed out on earlier. But always be respectful of what feels comfortable and good to your child. In cases of previous abuse and trauma, you may have to go very slowly because your child may be very resistant to physical touch.
Respond to your child’s emotional age. Children with attachment disorders often act like younger children, both socially and emotionally. You may need to treat them as though they were much younger, using more non-verbal methods of soothing and comforting.
Help your child identify emotions and express his or her needs. Children with attachment disorders may not know what they are feeling or how to ask for what they need. Reinforce the idea that all feelings are okay and show them healthy ways to express their emotions.
Listen, talk, and play with your child. Carve out times when you’re able to give your child your full, focused attention in ways that feel comfortable to him or her. It may seem hard to drop everything, eliminate distractions, and just be in the moment, but quality time together provides a great opportunity for your child to open up to you and feel your focused attention and care.

Remember to take care of yourself, I imagine it is very stressful & overwhelming. Lean on others for support. I am sending you virtual strength and support!

jimmy rich · Sep 03, 2014 at 11:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by livelaughlove22

I'm trying to get her to go to sleep and nothing is working. She's screaming and crying and throwing a fit. Please help.

If that was my problem, I'd google: reactive attachment disorder to learn what I could about that disorder and then I'd leave the kid alone to nurture her self and go to sleep when she is ready to.
I used to baby sit a little girl in our neighborhood and when it was her bedtime, I took her to her bed, laid down beside her and read aloud from a children's book. Within minutes she was SOUND ASLEEP!
I became their favorite baby sitter!
For a child having a "fit", I would calmly and patiently stay near the kid and allow the feelings and actions to gradually dissipate on their own so long as nothing dangerous or harmful is happening.
good luck,
jim

Can't Stop Crying · Sep 11, 2014 at 08:20 PM

Some soothing nighttime music

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livelaughlove22 Member Member Since Jun 2014 Location: United States Posts: 137 9 22 hugs given	Sep 02, 2014 at 09:54 PM #1 I am taking care of my friends little girl while she gets help for depression. The little girl has spent the last 2.5 years being sexually abused by her dad and doesn't respond to any affection, she has reactive attachment disorder. I'm trying to get her to go to sleep and nothing is working. She's screaming and crying and throwing a fit. Please help.
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Can't Stop Crying Elder Member Since Jan 2011 Location: missing Posts: 6,693 13	Sep 03, 2014 at 04:00 AM #3 Has she settled down any? __________________ Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. ~ Maya Angelou Thank you SadNEmpty for my avatar and signature.
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Can't Stop Crying Elder Member Since Jan 2011 Location: missing Posts: 6,693 13	Sep 03, 2014 at 05:17 AM #7 How are you doing with all of this? I imagine it is taking a toll on you! __________________ Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. ~ Maya Angelou Thank you SadNEmpty for my avatar and signature.
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Can't Stop Crying Elder Member Since Jan 2011 Location: missing Posts: 6,693 13	Sep 11, 2014 at 08:20 PM #12 Some soothing nighttime music
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