She's out of control :(

I am taking care of my friends 5 year old daughter while she gets help for depression, it will be at least a year before we can even think about her moving back in with her mom, yesterday I was told it'll probably be 2. I was using timeout as a discipline strategy and then I stopped to see if talking to her each time she misbehaved would work. It hasn't worked at all, her kindergarten teacher who fully understands her situation (the little girl is in therapy for being molested) called me today and said I needed to have a talk with her and fix her behavior or she was getting kicked out. She kicked two kids, hasn't listened at all, drew on another kids paper and spit at someone else, that's not even the half of it.
At home she's been just as out of control and I am wondering if I should go back to using timeout or if there is another punishment that will work better. I'm open to trying anything.
I did finally get to talk to her mom once. I didn't tell her about the behavior problem. But at the end of the conversation she said "oh and if she gives you any trouble spank her a few times , that will get her attention." I don't know if I feel OK doing that to a molested child.

Spanking her makes me a little nervous - it's just repeating the pattern of pain she knows too well. Is her therapist helping at all? Perhaps she needs more intensive therapy from someone familiar with trauma and RAD? I really do feel for you, this is a really tough situation for both of you.
Has she talked to you at all? Will she color or draw? This little girl has got to get all these confusing, scary feelings out of her. I wish I knew the right thing to say...my heart goes out to both of you.

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou

What does the T say to do when the child is out of control?

I just had another thought about the whole school thing....are there any therapeutic schools in your area? Sometimes residential treatment centers have day school specifically directed at helping with the issues she is facing. I imagine mainstream school is very overwhelming for her...

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou

She just says to punish her. She suggested timeout as well as any other discipline strategy

Does her T specialize in children, trauma, or RAD? I get the impression she is not very helpful, just my thoughts though.

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou

She was recommended by the children's hospital after looking at her records. She is very cautious about the directions she gives.

Hopefully this is just while everything is new and as the comfort level increases, she will be more forthcoming! I just think she would be more engaged and direct, but I am certainly no expert



Keep posting and lean on all of us!

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou

If I were you, I'd go find a therapist, psychologist, psychotherapist, hypnotists or counselor to HELP ME learn how to HELP a damaged kid and I'd forget about punishing her to obtain some kind of desirable behavior.
good luck,
jim

I am a parent and the child of abusive parents. Parenting a wounded child that arrived in your life without much preparation has got to be more difficult than I can imagine. Parents are not perfect - they look for help, ask questions, and learn from their mistakes.

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help and to me, that is a sign of a good parent!

I have not been the perfect parent for my boys, but I have always loved them unconditionally and put their best interests before anything else.

This child needs so much more than just a "normal" parent. And there is a big difference between "desirable" behavior and unsafe behavior. This child isn't just stealing a cookie from the cookie jar, her behavior is a reflection of the torment inside her. Helping her with her feelings and fears in a healthy way is so much more than trying to achieve desired behavior.

Making her feel safe and loved during her unsafe behavior will help her re-establish the connections she has lost or never completely formed.

It takes a village...and PC with supportive, honest answers can be that village

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou

First of all well done and thank you for taking care of this poor child.
It sounds like this little girl has been throuh so much
And now not only is she apart from her mum but has moved to a new invironment. Does she know that shes going to see her mum again? Has any one sat down and spoke to her. I think she needs a really big hug, lots of love and time to adjust to the changes in her life. Of course there has to be rules. Dont listen to the mum about hitting, she obviously needs to go to some parenting classes. Time out is prob the best idea, and how about rewarding her when shes really good. Try to give her a good routine. Good luck

I think stopping the time outs wasn't helpful, because it's made her life at your home less consistent.

What supports does the school have to help support her? I think it is ridiculous that they are already considering kicking her out. There are lots of behaviour issues at the school I teach at - we have a LOT of children in foster care and a lot who are from very abusive homes. Our school spends a lot of time, where the child is removed from the classroom for a time and helped. But expelling them due to it? No, that won't help them at all.

Can you buy a special teddy bear and tell her it's her "Talk To Teddy" where she can tell and whisper all her feelings and thoughts to him? Sometimes that can help children calm themselves. You can suggest that the teacher use something similar in her classroom - for all the students to use. Our kindergarten class has one and it really helps the kids once they understand the concept.

Spanking is NOT the way to go! Especially not as a regular form of discipline and certainly not for a child who has been abused and traumatized.

Every time she gets into trouble, remind her that you love her and don't think that she is a bad person, but that she made a bad choice and did something that was wrong. Kids have a really hard time separating the two - when they get into trouble they think they are a bad person, and that reallllly just makes things worse.

Now her mom emailed me and told me that spanking her can be really stress reliving. Should I be worried she's abusing her too??

I'd say she is acting out from fear and that time out or spanking won't help. I just finished a book called Peaceful Parenting. I liked it a lot, it may help you. Also, if you can, do homeschooling for now, until she trusts you more anyway. Good luck and kudos for stepping up to help this little girl!!

Spanking her to relieve stress makes me nervous, her mom just might be feeling out of sorts with everything going on (I hope!) And maybe she can learn some healthy coping skills while in treatment?
All you can do is follow your heart - focus on the here & now. You don't need to have one more worry added to your plate.

I personally do not believe believe in spanking, but that subject tends to raise some very strong opinions.

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou

Should I mention the email to anyone? It concerned me

Yes. I think you should. The little girls needs have to come before the needs of the mother. Hopefullt in time the mother will get better and become a good mum. But the needs and protection of the child are paramount

Personally, I would. That's a tough decision, but I prefer to err on the side of caution when it comes to kids.

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou

I Believe in You!

So it sounds like the little girl is seeing her mother. How often do they see each other? It would be helpful to know more about the arrangements that are in place for the child to see her mother.