Major changes

So my 17-year-old son finally ran away a couple weeks ago. The police found him a couple hours away after six days and we were able to pick him up. Unfortunately, his girlfriend had stolen a car, which he was in, and they had alcohol with them. Now he's facing felony receipt of stolen property and minor possession of alcohol charges. If he's charged with a felony, his dream of being a firefighter is gone.

My older son lives full time with his dad (long, long story there!) who is terrified of disciplining him. My ex is so worried that our son will get "mad" at him that he refuses to set consequences. Even our son has pointed this out!

My younger son (9) lives half time with his dad. My ex spends all his free time with the younger son, and our older son is being neglected.

My ex started seeing a counselor, and she has told him (1) he needs to make time for our older son and (2) he MUST discipline him. Sadly, he still refuses to do both.

The only solution I can see while our older son is in crisis (he's also seeing a counselor for substance abuse issues) is to keep our younger son full time until things start to improve.

I can't speak to my T about this until I see her next Friday, so I thought I'd bounce this off people here.

Since I don't work, I have ample time to spend with my younger child. My ex would have more time to spend with our older son. Since my ex coaches our younger son's basketball team, and we live only two miles apart, our younger son would still get to see his dad frequently.

I've asked to speak with my ex about this to see what he thinks. I just don't see another solution. My ex works 55-60 hours a week, and our older son needs him so much right now. Our older boy believes his dad doesn't even love him anymore.

Sorry this was so long!

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I'm sorry you are going through this. Teenagers are difficult under the best of circumstances.

I have kids but no experience with divorce, so I'm not exactly an expert. My initial reaction is that keeping your youngest from being at his dad's is punishing him. Also, there are no guarantees that if the youngest isn't there the ex will spend more quality time with the oldest. It sounds like you all need family therapy to help navigate this and get our oldest through this time. Hopefully, he has learned his lesson and has been scared straight by the experience.