Alternatives to using punishments

I found this article really helpful and wanted to share. I think the emphasis on thinking about underlying needs (rather than simply punishing the behaviour) is spot on:

22 Alternatives to Punishment - The Natural Child Project

i found this interesting. i am still trying to digest it. i teach logical consequences in a parenting class and never saw them as a negative. one of the techniques i teach is the ACT rule as well and i saw many of the components of it on the list. i actually saw many of the things i teach on the list which made me feel good. but most of what is on this list is stuff to discourage negative behaviors from happening in the first place. stuff to calm a child before they act out and let them know what expectations are for positive behavior. it doesnt really seem to address anything to prevent negative behaviors from happening again which logical consequences are designed to do. they are designed to give children a choice. continue to behave the negative way then you are choosing for this to happen to you. for example, you throw your toys around, they will be put up. if you can play with your toys appropriately, you will get to keep them.

im going to share the article with the other parenting instructor and see what she thinks.

I don't think any of it is a bad idea, although it seems geared more towards toddlers and preschoolers, as a lot of these lists are. I agree with creating a strong attachment at such a young age to help head off behaviours and distract from them, and hopefully it leads to a better relationship with the child whereby they're less likely to misbehave as they get older. But then as they get older sometimes they do act just to push boundaries, to get a reaction, or to individuate away from the parents, and they need logical consequences. It makes sense to ask why there's a pattern of bad behaviour - are they being picked on at school, are they stressed from too many activities, are they feeling bad about mom going back to work and need more time with her? But sometimes they're just not doing it for any grand reason beyond they're 9 and seeing if they can talk back or roll their eyes or not do their chores.

Sometimes things like this imply that if we had a good relationship with our kids they wouldn't misbehave, but that doesn't take into account that kids are individuals and sometimes we're doing the best we can.

I think you are right, I think a lot of these articles are aimed at parenting small children - I guess because that's where the foundations of behaviour and self discipline begin?? I do think that there is an underlying need behind most unwanted behaviour though, even if it is to push boundaries... find limits, act out anger etc.

I also think that there is a difference between natural/logical consequences that happen as a result of behaviour but aren't used in a punitive way, and consequences that are simply punishments disguised. A mom I met described a situation she was in, where her 4 year old daughter would not get dressed for school, so the mom took her in her underwear and seemed quite vitriolic about how embarrassed her daughter was and how 'she'll never do that again'. She said that this was a 'natural consequence', but really, she used shame to punish her daughter into obedience. Others in the group said that they would have got her dressed, because as parents, it's our job to maintain the boundaries in a respectful way... to model respect, even when our kids are anything but respectful. That doesn't mean we can't feel or show anger by the way.

My own example of a natural consequence is when my son decides to draw on the wall - sometimes he forgets that he isn't supposed to, sometimes he seems to do it on purpose, like today. I try to remain calm but I don't tolerate it. I will remind him what he can draw on, and provide it. Remind him that walls are not for drawing on - if he continues, I will take his pens/crayons away and explain why I need to do that. But I wouldn't say 'I'm taking these away because you are naughty etc', I would explain again why I don't want the walls drawn on and try to empathise with him if he's upset.

I'm using examples to illustrate the point - I only have 3.5 years experience of being a parent, though a lot more experience of being a child

Hexacoda - I used to think that if I got everything right early on, I would have a perfectly behaved child! Now i think it's almost the opposite, my child is secure enough to act out and push boundaries... and all of that is perfectly healthy. I, on the other hand, was a pretty 'good' and obedient child, who was insecurely attached and received quite a harsh, authoritarian style of parenting. And as you say, kids are individuals, it isn't all about how we are as parents.

Thanks for sharing. At times, my patience is being tested by my kids and do things I regret later on.