I need help my 5 year old is out of control!!!

I call her my sour patch kid.. first she does awful things then wants to snuggle! LOL!! My little girl is so sweet and smart, loving, but she can be mean, rude and bossy!!! I can't help but think it is my fault some how... I am a single working mom and her dad is in her life but only every other weekend and he was away for about 6 months last year... she was always so good and respectful so I spoiled her not that I ment to but if she had been really good all day and we were at the store if she asked for a book or a small toy I would get it for her!
Well then she started school and I worked it out with my job so that I could be there for her after school for most of the week to help her adjustment to the new routine... so we bathed and picked out clothes the night before had a check list for things to do in the morning then when she got home it was a small snack then homework while I made dinner she could play or watch tv then it was eat bath book bed.... This was working great!
Till out of the blue my sweet baby went to school and this evil dictator came home in her place!!! Now before this if she got in trouble it was a time out (for both her and me) then we would sit down and talk about the problem and discuss ways we could both handle it better and what better choices we could make! I thought I was so luck my child loves reason and this was perfect I lucked out I would not have to worry about the spanking issue! I mean if my 2 year old could reason with me what would make me think my 5 year old could be so difficult!! LOL I was very very wrong!!!!!
My very smart daughter has learned how to terrorize me until I give in, give up, flip out, or want to run away from home!!! she is mouthy she will say something sassy then smirk at me! she throws the worst tantrums and no matter what I do I lose!!! I have tried going to my room to calm down when she gets me enraged but she fallows me continuing her tantrum I have told her to go to her room scream into a pillow have her tantrum then we will talk about it when she calms down I have tried time out taking away tv time, once when she was at school I took all her toys away and put them up and she could earn them back by doing what she was told with out complaint or helping me do some house work ect... she got home and thanked me for cleaning her room!!! I have even spanked her butt a few times which 1 hurt me to do it and 2 she turned to me and said that didn't hurt! so when I spanked her harder she told me she knows I didn't mean to spank her that hard! agh!!! I am at my wits end!!! I am stressed dealing with my own mental issues now I have this person bound and determined to make sure I have a total mental break down!!
I love my child but I am afraid that I may not be a good parent! I don't wanna mess her up!!! I am at a loss when it comes to her!!!

Would you be interested in a great book? It's called the Power of Validation.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Vali.../dp/1608820335

I have a pretty smart, sassy girl as well. I know how it can be. You have to be firm and learn to ride through the tantrums. Spanking is never a good option.

Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Help Your Child Regulate Emotional Outbursts and Aggressive Behaviors: Pat Harvey ACSW LCSW-C, Jeanine Penzo LICSW: 9781572246492: Amazon.com: Books

There's tons of reading on tantrums. Don't despair, you are doing great and you are very loving. Some kids are tougher cookies than others. You may also want to consider play therapy, I got it through city programs and even paid out of pocket. It was so helpful to have another adult help me and validate me when I thought I was a bad mom.

well it sounds like you were on a very good track. where you fell off was letting her train you to give her her way. if she knows terrorism is going to get her what she wants, she is going to continue to use terrorism. keys to parenting are consistency and the fear of consequences from an authority figure. you need to be that authority figure that is consistent with the consequences. no matter how much she terrorizes you, you need to be consistent with consequences. there are two types of consequences, when/then conseqences and either/or consequences. when you give me the behavior i expect from you, then you can have the reward...i.e. when you behave appropriately, you can come out of your room. and the other is either you give me the behavior i expect or you will have a consequence. i.e. either you get your homework done, or you cant watch tv. the consequences have to be logical. you wouldnt put her in time out for not cleaning her room because they have nothing to do with each other. you would take away all her stuff because if she cant take care of it, she can have it removed until she does. most importantly is you have to be consistent and follow thru every time. a child will wait forever for the time you dont follow thru. then you have to start all over again. i hope this helps.

Also, praise the positive. Praise praise praise anytime you "catch" practicing good behaviours and manners. Don't just say "good girl" but praise the behaviours you want her to repeat. Positive reinforcement works, but it's not immediate.

There's a reason why this is the number one training method in dog training (and I'm not comparing kids to dogs, I have a 5 year old myself) but it works.

My daughter acts out for my attention so for me I try to limit as much negative attention as I can (so I don't reward the negative behaviours). Sounds like you have a different issue on your hands though.

Don't forget school is a big change for kids and it can be mentally and physically exhausting. I don't know if your kid is like mine, but at school and around others she is little miss manners and on her best behaviour. When she comes home and she's tired or cranky she just can't hold it in anymore. I'm not trying to excuse bad behaviour, but a level of understanding can go a long way. Just like we want others to understand us and our various illnesses and how they affect our behaviours and actions.

It takes time. I don't know how many corrections I've had to give on any given topic (eg "I don't like the way you are speaking to me right now"), but EVENTUALLY you can see it click in and to be honest it's pretty cool to see them thinking things through and making good choices on their own. It's like you can see the wheels turning in their heads. At least that is my experience.

Thank you all for your responses! I do agree with all of you I will check out the book thank you doyoutrustme. I actually find myself telling her that I am not going to reword her negative behavior and if she would like to calm down and talk nicely we can discuss what ever it is she is flipping out about! She has some quirks that we have come to some compromises on like the fact she hates buttons!!! I mean I am afraid its borderline phobia she stresses about them so I told her that she does not have to wear them but she can not tell others they can't lol! I know school is hard and its such an adjustment and I have told her I understand she may be tired and cranky but so is mommy! while she was at school mommy was working very hard and even after she goes to bed mommy's job isn't done because I still have all the house work to do before I get to go to bed! And if she would like to talk about anything that may be bothering her I will listen and try and help her understand! this is how we ended up watching a 3 part national geographic documentary on how the world was made lol! I love that about her she loves to know how things work and that is how I try and teach her about attitude and how she treats people! I often will ask her when she yells at me are says not so nice things to me.. How would you feel if I spoke to you like that? I guess its going to just be a lot of trial and error learning how and what she will respond to!

Sounds like you are doing a great job, and she sounds like such a clever girl. Keep doing what your doing. The thing about the buttons made me LOL.

Stargazer,

I'd like to ask a few questions and also offer some suggestions for you to try with your little one.

Questions:

1. How recent is the divorce/breakup between yourself and the father?
2. Are either of you (mom or dad) dating anyone that child has either been exposed to, or is at the very least aware of?
3. Do either of you (mom or dad) talk about the other in a negative or hostile way in front of the child, or do either of your romantic partners do this?
4. How is your daughters relationships with peers in school?
5. If she making is friends, what kinds of children is she associating with and do you know the children she's friends with, the families of these children, their attitudes and values?

There's so many different elements which could go it to the cause of this behavior, that it's origin may be difficult to pin point; but I would start by looking at her every day life and the people in it to see if you can find some answers. Talk to her teachers and get the school info. Observe your own life changes, relationships, attitudes, etc... and see if you can find something you may have inadvertently done to trigger this reaction from your child. Speak to your X and see what he's noticed, or if he may have triggered this kind of reaction from your daughter towards you, and perhaps towards himself as well, somehow.

Suggestions:

1. Rather than saying "how would you feel if I did that to you?" (hoping your 5 year old will be able to empathize) tell your daughter, calmly, how her actions make you feel; followed by asking her how that (knowing how you feel because of her actions) makes her feel. Whether she feels 'good' or 'bad' about how she's made you feel, what you shall do next is tell your daughter the things which the two of you have enjoyed in the past which have made you happy and feel loved.
You will then ask your daughter what kinds of things of things make her feel happy and loved; allowing her to say anything she likes where 'happy' is concerned because your focus will be on what makes her 'loved' (either with you, with dad, or someone else). You may have to explain to your child the difference between 'happy' and 'loved' in order to get an appropriate answer, and that's totally OK because this is the lesson itself- happy does not mean love, love is something different and it's expressed differently.
Once those questions have been answered (with emphasis on 'loved') ask your daughter what you can do for her right now that would make her loved* by you, and do that.
*Remember that love is something you do; it's not a purchase or 'treat' it is the sharing of time, the showing of affection, and that's what you need to emphasize here.

2. Keep doing number one for one or two weeks, without punishment, and at week 2 or 3 you will continue with the aforementioned, except you will tell your daughter that she has to have a 5 minute timeout in her room before you can both participate in the 'loving' action/activity together. She will undoubtedly ask why, and to answer that question you let her know that even though you love her, and you look forward to the loving activity together, what she did was not appropriate and it's your job as a loving parent to teach her that there are consequences in life. Let her know that even though what she did was 'wrong' you still love her very much, when her 5 minutes are over you and she will share your special loving time together and that you look forward to that very much.
Allow for her to have any reaction she might have to the punishment aspect of this, and if she should react poorly (with tantrums, outbursts, etc..) than you will carry on with step 2 for a period of only one week, and move to step 3. If she accepts her punishment peacefully than you will carry on with step 2 for 2 weeks before jumping to step #4.

3. *ONLY if fits occur during step 2* If you daughter continues to have outbursts during the punishment phase for the entirety of the past week while doing step 2, then you will increase the time of punishment by two minutes (7 minutes total) if she has a fit. You will tell your child that if she still having her outburst at the 7 minute mark you will add 3 more minutes to the punishment, giving her more time to call down (10 minutes total). If she stops by the 7 minute mark, tell her how proud of her you are for having met her punishment appropriately, and participate in the 'loving' action/activity together as you normally would.
If she is still having fits at the seven minute mark you will go up to her and let her know that she'll have 3 more minutes given to her in which she is to calm down so that the both of you can share your loving time together soon. You will tell her that you're very much looking forward to sharing your time together and that you don't like it when she's in her room for these time outs because you'd much rather spend time together doing something you both enjoy. You will leave the room and come back in 3 minutes (hopefully to a sound child) and no matter what her reaction was you will share your loving time together; reaffirming the concept of unconditional love.
You will do this for 2 weeks until you proceed to step 4.

4. Whether you've come from right from step 2, or had to carry on through step 3, this part of the process is a major turning point! Once you reach step 4 you will pic your daughter up from school, day care, babysitters, what have you and immediately ask her "What can we do today to make you feel loved?" which may come as shock because this has been something which has only been asked following 'bad' behavior; thus you may need to explain that feeling loved is something which is important every day, and you want to give that to her whenever she needs it. You will explain to your child that when she's in need of a time out she will still be receiving those things; that you love her even when she is being disruptive, and even when she's being punished, but that she doesn't have to get into trouble just to have some 'Mommy time' all she has to do is ask for it.
At this point you will make it a point to ask her each day what you can do to make her feel loved, and let her know that if she needs some Mommy time all she has to do is ask for it.
You will still punish as needed, and you will reiterate your love for her despite any negative behaviors and their punishments; but 'Mommy time' will be at her request, or yours (you can absolutely call 'Mommy time' if you need it, or you think she might need it) and no longer follow punishments with 'Mommy time' unless she should request this directly.
If you are finding a trend, that 'Mommy time' is being frequently requested following punishment, then you will make a rule that 'Mommy time' can not be immediately after a punishment and that she has to wait one hour after being punished before 'Mommy time' can happen; but that she request 'Mommy time' anytime outside of punishment.

The purpose of this exercise is to not only teach your daughter how to obtain attention in an appropriate way; but also to stress the important concept of unconditional love.
We, as parents, love our children unconditionally and we know that because we feel it; but when our children are acting out the showing of that love (to our children) often gets replaced with the expressions of frustration, upset, etc... and our children's views of us can change as we are constantly punishing them in our attempt to correct their behaviors. Taking a pointed action in showing love helps children to differentiate between attention and affection so that they understand how love is both shown and felt, and that attention on its own does not always equate to love.

Love is so important. However in today's busy world we, as people, often forget that love is more than a feeling- it's an action and it needs to be placed into action if it is to be felt the one we love on an emotional level.

Once your daughter has the security which comes along with unconditional love (as an action) and acceptance (despite negative behavior) a trust will be born, and at that point she may be able to tell you why she was doing some of these negative things.
She might not even know that answer in a way where she is able to verbalize it because it could be something she's doing on a subconscious level; in something which is called projection.

Sourcing it is not as important as treating it though. If she is able to tell you what made her act that way, then perhaps the source can be addressed directly; but be prepared for her not to know the answer, which is perfectly OK. As long as she can differentiate between affection and attention, and is able to both feel and express love- you're well on your way to healthy child

I do hope you try this, and let us know how it goes

Be Well
- C1

Sounds like you are doing a good job. Bear in mind that children do change when they start school, they begin the road to being more indiviual, more independant of mom.
They start to feel more 'grown up'.

I'd ask her if something is going on at school that is upsetting her. It seems she changed her behaviors drastically after school started.
School is a very controlled environment.
Thinks could be happening with other kids.

When my daughter started first grade, she had older boys asking her very inappropriate sexual questions on the bus. I could tell by her acting out behavior something was wrong. While starting school is a huge adjustment for kids, sometimes bad things could be happening too.
Good luck! Parenting is hard, if you are doing it right.

I just came upon this topic and I have to say how relieved I am that someone else has gone through the exact same thing as me!

My daughter was the epitome of loveliness, then when she started school she turned into this devil child. I used to video her behaviour because no one would believe she could behave that way.

She would shout and scream, physically attack me with anything she could get her hands on, hit me, refuse to do anything I asked, wouldn't walk to school, and would often push me into the road. Some mornings I had to carry her over my shoulder kicking and and screaming just to get to school on time.

This went on every day for 6 months and I was at my wits end. I'd try and get time out in my room but she would follow me in and say some horrible hurtful things. Eventually, totally by chance, I witnessed an incident at school between some girls and my daughter and it all unravelled over a week that she was being bullied at school. The school refused to do anything about it, so I changed her school. I was so nervous about sending her to a new school knowing what she was being like, but it was like someone had flicked a switch. From the very first day she walked home from school and she never gave me a problem again. I couldn't believe she could change so much literally overnight. Today she still loves it, but there are some girls at the moment giving her a hard time which I need to deal with.

Its so incredibly hard, and I know exactly what you're going through, but it will get better xxx

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I totally sympathise with you! reading your post reminded me how my son used to terrorize me with his tantrums and sassy answers couple of years ago!I had tried each and every option available to tame him down but it was of no use!Then I took him to a pyschologist who suggested that I put him in a day care or any similar facility where he can interact with other children of his age.So I admitted him to a preschool and since then he has calm down a lot.So I suggest that you try admitting your daughter to some preschool or daycare,I am sure it will be helpful!