When to tell my children their sibling is gay?

My 19 yo daughter recently revealed that she is a lesbian. We have 10 yr old triplets. Although I feel they may be "old enough" to hear the news, I am concerned because their gay aunt ( my sister) committed suicide just about 9 months ago. This is the only person they personally knew who was gay and I am afraid they will associate being gay with depression and/or suicide. Maybe I am overthinking this? Or is this a valid concern? My daughter wants to tell them because she is in a relationship and her girlfriend will be visiting us this summer for a week and she wants to be able to "be herself" around them.

Please help!

To me it is risk reward. The reward for your daughter is she can be out about her gayness.

The risk, which seems very real, is she will traumatize 10 year olds. When I was 10 I did not even know what sex was. Why should children that young be told about a variation about sexual preference when they are too young to be told about sex? Even if they know about sex, knowing about gayness in any detail seems unnecessary.

I have experiences where children too young were told about family members being gay before they knew what sex is and they are now in a major mental illness. To me the risks outweigh the rewards so if you want my opinion, have your daughter be discrete.

If a nineteen year old is mature enough, why can't she simply not bring up sex the way a young sexually active straight woman would not talk about sex with preteen children?

Aloha MOM... I DO have a lifetime of experience with this type of situation (from all sides). It's very clear children of all ages understand "love". They really don't care what the gender is of the people who show affection toward one another. If, however, a member of the family shows discomfort or disdain towards the gay couple they too will feel uncomfortable and want to know why, "nobody likes their sister or her friend." My own Grandchilden never even thought twice about having "two Grandma's who love each other." They actually thought it was pretty "cool" and would brag at school about it... WOW times have changed! Now I have Great Grandchildren who could also care less as long as they are adored and showered with love. Of course it's best to suggest to your daughter that she & her GF be respectful with any PDA as should ANY other couple in front of your triplets. The bottom line with these situations... If everyone else treats your daughter with respect and minds their own business the kids will follow suit. Love speaks for itself! Best wishes

I'm not sure why she needs to tell them she is gay or to make a huge deal out it. Are they planning on making out or something in front of them to where they would even question anything other than friendship?

There are appropriate behaviors around kids and family, no matter what their sexual orientations are. I understand of wanting to be oneself, but when you are visiting and staying in the home of your parents (are they staying with you?), you must respect and take in consideration of what is appropriate behaviors in front of their children and their own parents.. I don't know of any parent who would want to see or hear sexual escapades of their adult children in their home (even married adult children)

I have a 20 year old daughter and I wouldn't allow her to stay in my home with a partner/boyfriend/girlfriend (in the same bedroom) if I had young children at home. It wouldn't be the values I would want modeled for very impressionable young kids, especially from an older sibling. It would be different if they were married. As far as being gay, most kids already know about this, it isn't anything shocking or new to them.

Thank you for your replies. My daughter's girlfriend is staying in our home, but of course in a separate bedroom. I don't think they plan on being disrespectful in front of us. I may be naive that my 10 yr olds don't know what gay means. Again thank you.

You don't tell them about sex. You tell them exactly the same things you would say if she was dating a boy. IE: This is your sisters boyfriend/girlfriend. She loves him/her.

You wouldn't talk about sex if she had a boyfriend... why would you talk about sex just because it's a girl? It is simply a person she loves. A lesbian is just a girl that can fall in love with another girl, and LEAVE IT AT THAT.

If you keep this from the 10-year-olds, you are sending the message to both them and your daughter that being gay is something bad that should be kept secret. No one is suggesting anyone tell 10 year olds about sex or that anyone will be making out. You should simply treat your daughter and her partner like you would treat any opposite-sex couple. Introduce the girlfriend as your daughter's girlfriend or partner and say that they love each other. That's it. If they ask questions, then you can answer them. It's really quite simple. The adults are the ones with the prejudice and who are focused on sex; not the kids. Kids of any age should be fought about love and that people can fall in love with people of any gender. To do any different is homophobic and damaging. It hurts your daughter to treat her differently and it sends the message to your other children that gay is bad. People seem to have the idea that kids shouldn't know about being gay-- but all gay people start out as gay kids. All kids should know that their parents wi love them if they turn out to be gay. And all kids should know that being gay is okay-- otherwise they will bully their gay peers at school. The way to prevent things like suicide is to teach all kids (all people) that humans come in all varieties and all the varieties are okay. Your kids should know that being gay is okay and everyone loves their sister. Otherwise they might grow up thinking that their family doesn't approve of gay people, so no wonder that tragedy happened to their gay relative.

My son is 10. He knows exactly what gay means because they hear this stuff through other kids at school, tv, etc. I'm sure yours are no different. I think you would be very hard pressed to find a ten yr old anywhere in this day and age who doesn't know what being gay means.

Also could not agree with Scorpiosis37 more.

I have no experience but one may start laying the foundations by talking their kids about how there are all sorts of relationships.