Should i return my grandson to my son?

I'm having a dilemmaIn 2012 my grandson was born and lived with me. My daughter in law and son also lived in the house but they were in a new relationship and seemed more interested in themselves. She was not an attentive mother and would turn off the baby monitor. My husband and i essential became his parents feeding bathing up when sick etc. My daughter n law started doing drugs when my son went to community corrections and she was gone for days on end she had another baby with my son a girl. When my grandaughter was a month old she fled to california with my then 1 1/2 year old grandson and 1 month grandaughter to avoid prosecution for a bunch of things including shoplifting. We got a call 20 says later that she smothered my granddaughter as she co-slept with her on the couch but was not tested for drugs for 6 days and she is a meth user so they couldn't prove she was hi when the baby died. she returned to Colorado and less than a month her sister called DHS stating she was using and not caring for the child. Long story short they gave him back to me and after a year when she did nothing ie rehab etc they gave me permanant custody. My son is now out of corrections, has a great job and a new wife and soon to have baby. I like this lady she is an EMT and now my son wants me to give him custody back. I am having difficulty because i have been this childs primary care taker and we are significantly bonded. This child has had almost everyone in his life leave even if it was not intentional, his mom, his sister is gone, his dad (even though he was in jail and wanted to be apart) and my husband left me so all he has ever known to be stable is me. Part of me feels bad and thinks i wouldn't want someone to keep me from parenting my child but i don't want to damage my grandson or have him think i am giving him to his dad because i dont want him. He is3 and kids internalize things ie dad and mom got divorced cause i was bad etc. I am torn.

Hi nurse. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry to hear you are suffering from the after affects of your children's mixed up life. Your story is really heartbreaking. If your son is not anymore stable than your DIL then I would say that it was best for the child to stay with you. Another option would be weekend custody for your son so he can work a job and you can give stability to the child. If you want to proceed with this, you will probably need a lawyer to help you through the maze of regulations.

Glad you are joining us here. There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central.

Many people find compassionate, caring people here at PC. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Nurse343, I'm glad you are putting your grandson's needs first. I believe your concern that he might feel abandoned again if you send him to live with his father are legitimate. He's lived with you his entire life. In his mind you and your husband are his parents. How much contact has your grandson had with your son? If not much, he would be like a stranger to your grandson. How does your grandson respond to your son? Have they bonded at all? Maybe you could try some short (a few hours, not a whole weekend) trial visits if they have not spent much time together.

I'm going to be very blunt. Just because someone gives sperm or and egg to create a child does not make them a parent. The people who are there every day, loving and nurturing the child are the true parents in my opinion.

One last thought, if DHS gave you permanent custody you might have to go through them to give custody to your son.

Thank you very much yes he has to go back to family court to change custody but it is up to me i have permanant custody from DHS ie i say when where why and how he lives with who he visits. He has had contact and went to visit him in community corrections but he doesn't for instance cry when he leaves my son and comes with me but he sometimes gets upset when i leave him with others. when i pick him up from daycare he hears the door and screams is it my nana is it my nana. He loves spending time with my son and his new wife who is pregnant herself but a lovely person, but is always bursting with excitement when they bring him back. We worked up to weekend visits but he keeps pushing for more and the problem i have is he works Mon- Friday 630 am to 6 pm somethimes so she would be raising him and well frankly she is not his mom. I feel selfish but i love him as much as my own children that i gave birth too. I tried expaining this to them about abandonment and psychological effects of separation from your primary care taker. this weekend was two weekends in a row i drove him Thiry miles for my son to pick up and he started crying and said he didn't wanna go that he wanted to go to my house to sleep. He said " i already been there long time". so i told my son sorry but i think he is pushing it a little hard. So i told him every other weekend. For now and i tried to inform him that if he had custody he would have to deal with the DIL his ex for all her visits phone calls etc.

Hi nurse343,

I applaud you and your husband for stepping up for your grandson. Not all of us grandparents are in a position to be able to raise our grandchildren (that would be me and it breaks my heart!).

It stands to reason that you are worried about relinquishing custody of grandson back to his father. You have both bonded and have a strong connection which will definitely be a factor in how grandson handles any transition.

But, after saying that, there are some safeguards that you may be able to put into place. You have every right to ask your son and his wife to go through parenting classes. You also can insist on you, your son and grandson see a therapist who has worked on reunification of families with other folks.

There is a process that each of you will have to filter through so that reunification can be successful. I'm sure you want the absolute best for your grandchild and at the same time, I'm sure you love your son as well. It's hard to find a balance between them and also working on letting go of the role you've had in your grandson's life to present. This doesn't mean that as his grandmother you wouldn't have a very important role in his life, there will always be that connection.

I don't envy you your situation. I do hope you are able to find support through DHS as well. I would think that they would want to make sure that son is up to the task of being a father to your grandson.

I wish you well!

lizardlady
I'm going to be very blunt. Just because someone gives sperm or and egg to create a child does not make them a parent. The people who are there every day, loving and nurturing the child are the true parents in my opinion.
Agree. Why cant you keep main custody and the lad visit dad and step mum? The child loves you most, you are the one who has been there for him consistently.

I can and intend to keep main custody part of me feels guilty for wanting to keep my grandson close i feel like i am denying my own son his right to father, but i don't know if he would want this so much if his wife wasnt in the picture. so many kids have dads who don't want them so i feel as if i am denying him that. Part of me worries if i don't give him custody and the bio-mom gets her self together will they give it to her if she takes me to court i donno i just worry if i am doing the right thing. I have been sharing visits with him they started with an over night then, visits on the weekend this last time it was a Thurs night to sun morning. they wanted to do it again that next Thursday and my grandson got very upset crying and said i just wanna go home with you nana. I wanna sleep in our house nana and he said "i already been to dads i wanna go home" so we did my son was hurt but i told him i think every weekend is too much for him.