Unusual Situation, need advice

I have 2 young step children. They love me, even prefer to call me mom. However, they do live with their actual mom, who is engaged. Anyway, they kids beg to stay with us, the youngest has a complete meltdown come time to return him to moms. Begging and pleading with us not to take them back. It's heartbreaking, I really don't know what to do.

Their dad travels 9 months out of the year for work so it's really not feasible to fight for custody. I just hate thinking about it though. And really wonder what's going on. Dad says she's a good mom, but there has to be something.

We have questioned them and they don't say anything that stands out as awful. Mainly just different parenting styles, they are stricter. No computers at home, the girl is a bit addicted to technology. But I really don't get it.

well, without more info it is difficult to come up with advice. what is the parenting schedule? weekon/off, every other weekend? what is stricter? does that mean they follow thru on consequences appropriately or are they constantly riding the kids for everything they do? or does it mean that you guys are really lenient and dont follow thru with consequences and the kids get to make their own rules? how old are the kids? how well do you coparent? do the kids like the new fiance? if you want to pm me we can explore this

If there is no computers in the other household, I can see why they'd want to stay at yours. I would imagine there's more TV watching too or other tech time. The 5 year old would be like a kid in a candy store with not wanting to leave and the 13 year old with her 'bit" of tech addiction, had to have gotten it at your place?

I would have your husband talk with his ex- about the children's two extremes and see if they cannot hammer out some sort of tech center road so the kids don't get whiplash and socially unbalanced like it appears they are in danger of? All tech is not better than no tech and going from one extreme to the other where they don't understand or have power of choice or any sort of consistency to help them navigate all the new technological marvels (do they have tech/computers in school? Do their friends have computers or technological toys or devices?) does not sound good to me. The parents have to pay attention to the children's reactions; over stimulation without understanding and just going from "addicted" to "nothing" cannot be good?

We limit their access, have them share the computers, vs their no access at moms. However, the 8 year old has computers at school and actually got in trouble for taking one, she has adhd additionally. My daughter is 13 we co parent great, her dad is a techie btw.

His ex and he struggle, we feel they are too strict. School punished her by no access for 6 months and a bag search before and after school, and mom punished her, no Halloween, and only a matress, pillow, and blanket to sleep on, she had to earn back her stuff with good behavior choices. And yes we have rules.

We sat down with all the kids to set our rules of the house. Suggested they do the same, told her to offer more positive reinforcement for good behaviors, fought like hell against the holiday and room situation to no avail. My son was adhd, odd and, I'm more patient than I used to be. I talk more than yell.

The divorce is still rather fresh, been 2 years, but she ran off with a relative. So it's really not good for the kids in any way. But we aren't in a good place financially right now, trying to get our lives straight ourselves, that's the conundrum.

Sorry u r in this situation. It is really a no win. The kids r young & sound like they have been thru a lot in 2 years....divorce, remarriage, engagement, new authority figures. IMHO it's going to take time for them to learn ' different home, different rules'. Just like any kids, if they r having fun they don't want to stop. They haven't learned much self-control at their young age. It all just takes time & growing up. As long as there is no abuse, etc there's not really much u can do but be the best parent u can when they r with u. Perhaps a rountine to help them get ready to leave would be helpful for them to transition back to their Mom's. Something conveniently repeated at the end of every visit. For example: put toys away, pack bags & put in car, order pizza, leave. Not rushed. Just a rountine that signals to them that the visit is coming to an end.

Step daughter 8 and step son 5?
I certainly would not jump to abuse just because they like it better by you than with their real mother, lol.
If it really concerns you then look into it a little but I highly doubt thats the case here.
Its really sweet that they call you mom by choice, but I think thats a little messed up, dont you? They have a mother and its an insult.
They are children. You said their mom is strict. Those two things dont mix well. They are also probably more emotional than rational at this age. Which is more likely than not, the reason they get upset when they leave your home.
You and their mother also shouldnt have conflicting rules for the home. It greatly confuses the child(ren) and is probably also making them behave the way they are. I know its hard being a step mom and finding out your exact role in their lives but you and the mother really should be on the same team lest you unintentionally turn them away from their mother.
Im sorry if any of this was hard to hear but you needed to hear it judging by your post.