Teaching kids to love themselves before dating

I've been encouraging my daughter to accept the way she is no matter what anyone says for a long time. But it's not always about loving the physical you or knowing what you like and being confident and how many friends you have. Those are important and we may think kids are so good at being themselves without a care we are forgetting that some kids are sensitive to others and are not selfish enough to not get persuaded and manipulated into being taken advantage of.
Once I saw that my daughter was being weighted down by all this emotional turmoil, I thought "she's not ready for relationships further than casual friends." She's only 13 and needs more guidance. I've come to realize that parents do need to monitor and guide kids in relationships and talk with them about what good relationships are and what to watch out for in case it turns ugly. Parents do need to step in when something is not right. Or may be end it entirely if it's completely unhealthy.

Here's somethings to help guide your kid into loving themselves and learning how to take care of themselves so they will be able to have better relationships with friends, lovers and this will help prepare them later on, when they start their own families:

1. It's okay to be selfish. - When I was new mother, I put some much energy into just focusing on my baby. I thought that's what good mothers do. But then my Home Visitor told me that it's just as important to take care of myself.

2. Explore yourself. - Not just physically but emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Learning all you can about what makes you you and finding acceptance will bring confidence and self-esteem knowing your tastes and tolerance.

3. Relax. - Taking on less things to focus on keeps you grounded and more able to succeed. Pacing yourself will teach you to be patient and have better understanding of your limitations.

4. Talk to trusted adult. - It could be any trusted and respectful adult in your life, even if it means making calls to the Kids Help Phone. And speak up the moment you start feeling "off" or if something doesn't seem right. But also make an effort to talk to someone when everything is okay.

Loving themselves will become second nature later on. This may or may not lead to an ego, but a genuine ego is better than a fake forced one.

Of course, hormones are going to get in the way. I'm not saying that they should not have crushes. That's just inevitable. I'm talking moreso about serious relationships or dating when they are not emotionally prepared. Teens need to learn to listen to their own needs and not follow the pressures and standards of what others think they should be ready for.
On that note, 13 year olds (teens in general) are not little adults. They should retain their innocence for as long as possible and be taking on responsibilities little by little and plan for the future with their education and prospects of careers.

(I hope this makes sense. I tried not to make this too long.)

Thanks for sharing your insight, alieninshadows... I recall reading somewhere that some research suggests teens are influenced more by their peers than by their parents. I've also read there is research suggesting that bullying by one's peers has a more lasting negative impact than abuse by adults. If true, then I would guess that perhaps the message is it can be difficult for parents to successfully override what their teens are learning from their peers. Just some random thoughts...

Research always has flaws. I've been bullied by both adults and peers all throughout school and both have affected me. My mom never really wanted to hear of it. Teens definitely develop strong relationships with friends. To a point. In the early years, and mid childhood, parents have the biggest influences on their kids. You have to consider other factors. Teens are in the most confusing time of their lives. They don't know what's good for them, but they think they do. They are stubborn, yes, and want to pull away with more independence. However, just because a teen scoffs, rolls their eyes, or doesn't seem to care what parents have to say, doesn't mean they are not listening. In fact, they take a lot with them from what they have learned from their parents. Especially if it's valuable advice. I don't need to rely on a study because I remember when I was my daughter's age and I've learned more from adults than peers. And some people my age notice the same thing.

OTOH, dating, friendships, taking risks, and generally exploring things are part of what helps teens develop their identity.

Of course. I'm not saying there should be zero dating. And it has nothing to do with friendships or taking risks, per se. I'm talking from experience with what I saw my daughter go through. All throughout grade 7 she was in and out of relationships. Out of the 3 people she was with 1 lied about her age and was wanting to take it further with my daughter. My kid was smart and backed away. She told me about it later and was deeply disturbed. Another week long relationship, rumors started among peers because the idiot was saying he was already sexually active, or so the others were saying. My daughter became scared and upset to the point she didn't want to go to school. My daughter started cutting and became depressed. She was crying a lot and didn't want to do much of anything. I noticed her personality was darker than the previous year. When I intervened and she broke up with her last relationship that was it. After a relaxing summer, she realized how bad it was and we talked a lot about where she stood on relationships. I suggested no more relationships. Dating is okay but on a casual basis. But she has confirmed she is in a relationship with herself. This is a self-discovering and self-healing process that she is taking and I think it's quite commendable and mature that she is taking this on herself. By all means, I didn't say she had to be in a relationship with herself. That's all her. That's her personality, in fact. She is bright, wise, goofy, happy, bubbly, sensitive. I went on board with this. As her mother, I'm her biggest fan and supporter. I'm now guiding her in making sure she doesn't wind up where she was earlier this year. That's my duty as a parent. Of course she is going to make her own decisions. But I know she is not old enough to always know what is good for her or know what is being offered to her is what it is. My mom threw up her hands and gave up on parenting when I was a teen. It will be a cold day in Hades if I slump into that mode of thinking, myself. Of course I would NEVER call my daughter a mistake or regret she was ever born. But I do know that I would be in a better situation in terms of my own personal love life and have more success in education and careers if my mom was more supportive and present in my life, rather than go out every weekend and go through boyfriend after boyfriend.
I guess that's where it comes from. I'm learning the opposite from my mom and integrating more stringent values. I think it's working because I see the outcome in my daughter. I'm not a tiger mom but with her struggles in school, development delays and possible learning disabilities, I just think her energies should be focused on school, building up her confidence and getting to know who she is. Romantic relationships are distractions right now. There's plenty of time later on to focus on that.

I think these are great considerations and I like this list. I didn't have a lot of experience in dating and less experience in who I was as a person. I think my personhood was largely about taking care of or living up to the expectations of my loved ones. Now as a young teen who is focused on being a people pleaser, this really could have gotten me into some trouble I wasn't ready for. Fortunately however, my boyfriend was a decent guy, and I think my need to please my parents by being a "good girl" overrode trying to please a boyfriend. I don't know I hope I'm talking sense.

At 16 I loved that first boyfriend years before I learned to love myself. I married that boyfriend....and I think often when things come in that order the situation can turn out a lot worse than it did. I finally learned to love myself, value myself for who I am and not just for what and how much I give. I think part of that was simple luck...but also because we were friends first so he valued me as a person even when I couldn't do that. And somehow I knew enough what boundaries I needed to keep as I discovered who I was as a person, before we advanced to successive stages of our relationship.

Married for 11 years now, about 9.5 of those happy! (honest here, and not too bad a ration so far) and with two amazing little kids

Pardon if some of this is rambly and off topic. I think I missed my regular meds today, am on antibiotics, and it's almost four am. Yeah...one of those nights