Playdates for kids

I am wondering why so many parents are closed off to the idea of getting their young kids together with someone else for a playdate. I am talking about parents supervising their kids playing together for maybe one hour. When my daughter was a toddler, I would ask everyone I knew if they wanted to get together for a playdate, and nine out of ten would say no. They weren't even open to meeting on the playground for 15 minutes after pre school. Now that I have 8 month old twins, I don't want to go through this again. So, I am not going to enroll them in the same pre school because of the unfriendly environment.

But I am also curious because many parents also complain their child has no social skills, could there be a connection? If they don't organize playtime with their child with other kids, perhaps this is the reason for their child's lack of social ability?

My daughter has tons of friends now in first grade, and I think it is specifically because I took her lots of places where she could play with other kids.

But don't the children meet and play at pre school?

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School is a structured environment and there is some free playtime during the day for the kids, but its not all of the day.

My daughter wanted to connect with kids outside of school and the parents always said no. I would ask if they wanted to meet at McDonald's, or just play on the playground after school. They would act weird about it and say no thanks. These same parents complain that their kids have no social skills. I also wonder why the parents have no interest in small talk with other parents whose children attend the same school. We don't have to be BFFs but sharing information about the school and teachers can be helpful at times. I guess since my child is very extroverted, she needed a better environment more suited to that. And I'm guessing my twins will have the same personality, more or less. So I'm looking for a type of pre school or mother's day our program for kids that encourages socialization. Not sure where to find that. I guess I could ask people for references on "friendly" pre schools.

Also, I've heard parents say they don't allow their kids to play with other kids from school. That is weird to me. When I was growing up, school was where you made your friends.

That's too bad. Play dates are also a way for parents to make friends. Do you think it's because all the parents are working full time and too tired? I was lucky enough to be around at home mothers or part time working moms when my kids were young. It sounds like the parents don't have good social skills either :-(

I think partly its because most of the parents have more than one child. Which means their child has siblings at home to play with.

My daughter was an only child for a long time. She hated coming home and being alone with nobody to play with. Other parents cannot identify or sympathize with this. I even tried talking to one mom about it, and she shrugged it off. She had two children. Parents with more than one child can't even begin to understand how an only child can be lonely, and how there is a need for the parents to get other kids for their only child to play with.

This is important to me, so when my twins enter pre school or a mother's day out program in a couple of years, if I sense the parents are unfriendly, I'll be taking the twins out and putting them somewhere else. Even if I have to do this several times until I find the right chemistry somewhere.

I don't know. I raised three boys and don't remember ever arranging "play dates" for any of them. They romped about the neighborhood with the other neighborhood kids, they played with kids at church, they were involved in scouting or sports, etc. I never saw the need to arrange specific social interactions for my kids when there were opportunities for them to naturally find friends and have fun on their own.

Yes, you had three boys. They had each other . If you had an "only child" I can assure you it would have been different. An only child comes home to a house with no other kids. The parent has to work harder to find other parents who are willing to let their kids play with their child.

Your post is a perfect example of what I am talking about: parents of more than one child do not understand the struggle of parents who have only children.

Also, since your boys were involved in scouts and sports, then these social interactions were arranged by you, weren't they? So it seems that you did arrange things so your children could meet and play with other kids.

My oldest was an only child for 7 years (my kids are spread wide apart age-wise) and he and his brother really weren't play buddies until he was probably 11, and at that point he was still more interested in kids his own age rather than his brother. Before his brothers were around, he was out and about playing and we had a houseful of neighborhood boys all the time.

Getting your child involved in activities is a bit different than arranging play dates. Yes, they are social interactions, but they are centered around activities rather than just general play, and it isn't something you have to "arrange" because it is routine. And you don't have to get agreement from other parents because it isn't about the parents choosing to meet up; it is about the kids and their activities.

You can't just have kids over to your house, or send your kid to someone else's house, unless you ask the parents permission. So yes it has to be arranged. with the parents.

I have a 4 year old and even at some parks a lot of parents seem to want to shield their kids from other kids. Like as soon as they start playing its time to go home. I understand in many instances maybe according to schedule its necessary to go home but I don't think that's often whats happening. It really seems like a lot of parents are deliberately trying to keep their kids isolated from other kids. They don't want other kids to influence their kids.

Now I personally have a lot of social anxiety issues, so actually arranging play dates and making small talk has been really hard for me. I've felt a little selfish not being more outgoing and trying to arrange more, but luckily we visit grandmas often and over there the neighborhood kids all get together. My mom is far more outgoing than I am and it wasn't a big deal for her to do introductions and to arrange it all. Since she was able to settle all that, and now that I've already talked to their parents time and time again, it's easier now for me to communicate with them despite my social issues.

^That would be my suggestion also for anyone who suffers social anxiety issues. If you don't feel up to it, if it terrifies you a bit like it did for me, perhaps someone you're close with, like a family member or friend, can help arrange or otherwise come along with you for a play date. Friends for little ones are so important. You need to find a way.

I think over the past decade, this has been a trend. When I was a kid, parents didn't try to prevent their kids from playing with other kids.
Also, I've noticed many parents will even go as far as keeping their children out of extra curricular activities. My daughter's girl scout troop only had 9 girls and that was drawing from 5 different elementary schools! I was in a state of disbelief over this. When I was a kid, at least half the girls in my class were in scouts. I've enrolled her in other activities and it seems there is always a poor turnout. (I don't think its the parents lacking money for these things because we live in an area that is more affluent, although we are not rich).

I think parents need to understand at some point, they cannot keep their child shielded forever from other children. And attempting to do so can harm their social skills.

I don't really have social anxiety that often, I have gone out on a limb to meet other mothers and ask about getting together some time, and nine times out of ten they are not interested. What annoys me the most is they won't return phone calls, texts or emails; or they will initially agree to something, and then at the last minute make up a weird story about why they can't come. And then I won't hear from them anymore. Sometimes, their own child will come up to me after school and begs me "can your daughter come to my house?" and I have to sadly say no, because I know the mom has refused.

Is it possible that the other moms don't click with you, for whatever reason, so they don't want to arrange playdates with your daughter because they don't want to do the mom talk that often comes with it? If you seem over-eager or pushy about the playdates, it may be turning the moms off. They may be under the impression that you really want to chat and spend time with them, and that's what they aren't interested in. I've heard that some moms can be clicky and only want their kids to play with the other kids whose moms they really like and want to spend time with.

It is very common for women to think that other women want to be their BFF. It is a delusion.

Men don't think this way. That's why the Dads seem easier to get along with.

Although it may seem pushy to simply ask for playdates, if I didn't ask at all, people here would say "you need to make an effort and be assertive".

Also, I find it strange that somebody would be so horrified of making casual conversation? I am introverted, and even I can make casual conversation with people.

You can if you all know each other in the neighborhood and have no problem with kids coming in and out. We don't ask each and every time at all. Just not necessary if you know each other. No "arranging" necessary. We were just a neighborhood where we all would sit outside in the evening, or work in the yard, while the kids ran around and got to know each other. They ran in and out of each other's houses and walked to the park on the next street together. Much depends on your neighborhood and just getting outside with the kids. Kids have a way of finding each other if given the opportunity. And then it's up to the parents to allow them a bit of room to just be kids. Again, I realize that is contingent on the neighborhood; we were fortunate to live in very kid-friendly neighborhoods where people just kind of got to know each other very informally and felt safe allowing their kids to be around each other.

no suggestions really but i can emphathize. i've all but given up on arranging play dates with anyone. i think a lot has changed with how people make friends and subsequently how children make friends. when i pick up my daughter from preschool the parents really don't socialize much. the only way i manage to talk to anyone outside of my family seems to be on forums such as this. it's sad. but in some ways easier because having social anxiety, communicating through writing and email and texts vs phone calls is easier. but idk. i hope when she starts kindergarten she has more friends.

Same here. Lots of people just socialize on facebook now.

I do want my child to make friends when she's young, as I think its somewhat harder to make friends as an adult. Also, the friends that people make when they are younger, tend to be stronger friendships over time.

I was so very luck when my kids were little we were on a military base and there were play groups, drop in babysitting center, just all sorts of support both organized and friends. I really miss it some times.

Now it is so different we hardly know our neighbours. My son and grandson live with us and trying to find stuff to help socialize my grandson is hard. I have also, earlier today texted an old co-worker to see if we can set up a play date. Sure hope her number is still the same or I have just randomly texted a stranger. Haven't heard back yet. Fingers crossed!