Sometimes I hate my HFA child

I don't truly hate him, but I feel like I do.

I have numerous mental and physical health issues of my own and I haven't managed to be consistent enough to help him learn to manage his behavior. He scores too high to receive therapy through the insurance. We seem to be regressing in his behavior. His grades are falling and his outbursts are becoming more frequent.

When he has these outbursts over things that seem stupid to me, I find myself thinking "Why can't you be normal like my other kids?" I feel terrible afterwards for thinking it. Sometimes I even loose my temper and tell him to stop being bad. I know he's not being bad, he's overwhelmed. Sometimes he tells me he hates me. Sometimes I think I hate him back, but I know I don't. I'm just overwhelmed.

I have read and researched enough to know what is going on in his head, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with it in the moment. I know the correct way to respond to him, but in my anger I rarely do.

When my other children get on my nerves I can take them in my arms and cuddle them and they snuggle into me and I feel a wave of love and compassion wash over me. When I take my HFA child into my arms he will only stay for a moment and sometimes he will scream to be let go. I feel like I can never refill the well of my love for him. I feel so much resentment towards him.

It's a vicious circle. The more stressed I get, the more he acts out and the more he acts out, the more stressed I get. I can't seem to break the cycle.

Does any other parent of an autistic child feel this way? Or am I just a bad mother?

Parenting is very stressful. Parenting a special needs child even more so. I don't know if it has happened to you, but parenting a special needs child can also isolate you which can make it even harder. It is understandable that you get angry with your son when he is temper tantruming. It is also important that you noticed that when you get upset he gets more upset. I would look for support groups in your area to try and get support from other parents who are going through the same thing you are. They also may know of other resources in your area if your insurance says they wont pay for treatment. Given that he is telling you he hates you my guess is that he is school age and this applies to him if he is. My advice would be that you get him an IEP through his school if doesn't have one already. They will be required to provide him with some resources/services. Where I live you are required to write a letter for an IEP evaluation. If you get any push back from the school, try and find an educational advocate to help you. Also you could try to apply for disability for him if you qualify monetarily as a family. If you do then you would get medicaid and he would qualify for services through his medicaid. Hugs for you and your son.

My son drives me crazy at times and as I homeschool him I am with him 24-7. There are definitely times that I wish he was "normal" and not so needy. I am lucky that my son cuddles with me but there are a lot of times I react with anger. He is now 10 and some days I wonder if he will see 11.

Thank you for writing such an honest post about your feelings! It's very brave of you & I'm glad you did it.
I do not have a special needs child.
I have an 11yo that is being treated for anger issues. A 7 yo with 3 learning disabilities & then my 5yo who has yet to receive any "labels." Ugh.

I have my own MH issues which makes parenting very difficult. All I can say is I do the best I can for that day. I always have high hopes & then they get crushed. I'm hoping when their much older, 20's/30's, that hopefully they come back & say thanks to me.
Motherhood is really a thankless job. So take a few minutes for yourself & tell yourself you're doing the best you can. Spoil yourself with something for 15-30min. Even if it's just staying in the shower longer & relaxing. You deserve a break & keep telling yourself that you're doing the best you can. Bec under the circumstances you really are!!!