Issues with BF son

I posted in another thread but I'm still getting use to this site and finding my posts so I just started a new one.
I've been with my bf for 8 yrs, I moved in with him and his almost 21 y/o son 10/2014. At first it was ok until I realized his son was smoking pot daily in his room, while we were sleeping. BF and i went back and forth he would not confront his son. This caused the relationship to almost end. One day it erupted his son got right in my face, my bf didn't stop him or me from yelling at each other BF said " it's just pot, I smoked it and i am fine" It continued so I called the local kids escaping drugs and spoke to a counselor and she felt he needed help. She suggested they come in and speak to some kids recovering. They finally went and my bf said it was a joke and supposedly the 2 kids they spoke too said pot was no big deal. So it continued and then I noticed his room was like a room from hoarder, he told my bf to do his laundry and bf does and then told my bf to tell me he wants his meals prepared daily. ( I was making casserole type meals on Sundays so they could just be reheated) Stupid me trying to make everything work I stated making crockpot meals so he would have a meal every day. Then my bf tells me his son said he's depressed. I said then you need to get him help. We called multiple places and couldn't get him in. We found one place and it's actually for ppl with addiction. He started going to counseling, then I did, bf went twice and quit ( I assume they told him things he didn't want to hear) Bf would go 1 a month with son. She told BF he needed to be a father, give him chores . Well he gave him 2 take out the garbage that he doesn't do and clean hin room. It was a weekly fight I ask if it was done, bf didn't want to look or ask... so we fought rather than BF step up, his son started doing it because bf told the counselor he wasn't. The son would constantly drop drug comments knowing it bothered me. They were drug testing him and didn't see a decrease. We went to a family session in Nov. and his son exploded using the f bomb in front of the counselor. Counselor said if he didn't like the house rules move out. Again BF didn't say anything about how he spoke to me. Let me back up we went on vacation and my BF told me he told his son no one in the house but he actually told him 1 person and he ended up having a party. I should mention bf has had custody of his son since he was 3 ish. Also I moved in with them because the deal was we would fix up his house and move out of state together. BF admitted that he allowed parties every weekend with underage drinking and pot use in his house, it all stopped when I moved in. His son is no longer going to counseling ( again assuming because she told him what he didn't want to hear) Just to give you an idea of how selfish he is. My bf brother and sister are drug addicts and have been the ones to give all the kids in the family pot and party with them since their teens ( BF says it's not true but the kids have admitted) BF son asked them if he could move in with them because we fight all the time ( we have never fought in front of him)He asked as the sister was battling breast cancer and in and out of the hospital. The sister died last month and her wake was on a Sunday, BF son only came for an hour because he wanted to watch football !!! You want to live with her but yet can be respectful when she dies. So yesterday my BF dad came over and I was trying to get dinner together so I stayed in the kitchen and they were in the dining room. BF father left and his son says to me " nice way to be ****ing respectful " I said " what " and then BF jumped in saying he wasn't going to stand for that talk to me.. they went outside and were screaming at each other. Evidently whether is be from drugs or what he thought I said " here is another problem" when his dad pulled in. It was my BF would said I was in another room ! I'm so disgusted with him I just don't even know what to do. I told my BF it proves he still needs counseling and he said his son said he won't go back to the other place ( assuming because they drug test him) I don'
t know how to handle this ongoing issues with him. BF and I are going to couples counseling because we do want our relationship. BF told me he doesn't want him to move out because he fears he will get into worse "stuff" but yet says he doesn't have a drug problem.

So does the 21yo have a job? Just wondering if he can afford to move out....financially.

Yes he does, and he has threatened to move out and BF came right out and told him he'd like him to stay as long as possible. BF told me he doesn't want him to move out because he's afraid he'll get into worse things, meaning more drugs.

IMHO only & you certainly don't have to listen I don't know.
What if you let him move out. See if he can make it on his own. It might be a good test for him. Make him be more independent.
If he gets into more drugs then you could look for a good rehab for him like a 30day facility. I don't know much about them.
But maybe if he realizes he's on his own it might help him.

Just an opinion.

He threatened to move out and that only drove my bf to kiss his butt more. If he moves out because of me I know my BF will resent it and me.

He threatened to move out on what grounds? Doesn't he wanto move out? On his own? Why does BF wanto keep him at home? So he can watch him? Take care of him?
Not sure that helps anyone.

How long does he plan on staying?

One reason why he said was because my bf and I fight all the time. We have never fought while he's home. I firmly believe he wants to move out because he is no longer running this household. No more parties here, no more smoking pot in his room. No I don't think he wants to because he doesn't do a thing as far as dishes, garbage, cooking, cleaning, NOTHING. All his bills are paid, he even wanted another air condition in his room because he felt the central air wasn't cold enough even though we were cold. Yes my bf wants to watch him he told me and my son that he's afraid if he moves out he will get into worse things as far as drugs. BF said he can live as long as he wants.

I would suggest that you ask him to get a job, staying out of the home might do him good and make sure he has good friends.