What are my values....

I'm having many internal battles over what I believe anymore & im trying to understand how this effects my kids.
The person I was when I was a kid was different then the person I was in my 20's. My values changed. When I was in my 30's I thought I had my core beliefs & values. Things I understood & believed.

Now I'm in my 40's & I have no idea what I value or what my core beliefs are so how can I teach my children? I feel like a hypocrite!

I've raised my 3 children in my faith. My oldest is 11 & youngest 5. Now I feel that I do not wanto teach them this faith. I've changed myself. In many areas too. So I feel like my youngest is getting "ripped off" a bit in what he should know compared to the oldest who might have a better understanding.
This has happened in different areas & im really torn over how to be a parent when I'm still growing & learning myself. Basically if I don't know who I am, how can I teach my kids what to value. I feel like a freakin mess & some have told me "oh ur just having a mid life crisis" but do those go on for 4-5yrs?

I don't know who I am. I don't know my purpose. I don't know what I value in this life & I contradict everything.
I feel like I have no business trying to be a parent when I haven't even grown up myself.

Does this make any sense to anyone?

Thanks
PS. Yes I've tried to talk to my husband about this. No success. He's busy & doesn't like deep conversation. I highly doubt we'll stay together

I've been mostly honest and real with my kids. The exception has been where I tell them to say no to drugs, when I know that I don't completely follow that good advice. But, of course I'm going to tell my kids to say no. Things like that.

Your kids learn from you by watching what you do and say. I've told my kids that my opinions are probably pretty out there, but that's who I am and they can decide for themselves what is right.

You can also tell them how your feelings about things and values have changed over the years. They'll Learn they'll go through phases, too. And nobody really knows the answers.

Yes I understand the honesty part. I am a closet smoker & know one of these days they'll catch on, but for now I say it's a habit they shouldn't start.

But like you said, their always watching. Then they see me floundering in my decisions & what I believe. Some days I'm stern & some days I could care less. I just can't seem to stay consistent.

I don't think they understand or really care how I feel or why I'm changing certain things. That's too deep. But they do see when I'm upset. I hate that.
They just want everything easy.

Could just keep to the basics of the golden rule?

Teach them that life is about continuous learning and growth. Let them decide on faith by allowing the discussion. Learn something new everyday. That we are fallible human beings.

So, you aren't 100% about everything, who is? Be gentle on yourself for that.

Teaching them to think on their own two feet is something to consider. That it's ok to agree to disagree provided it's conducted with respect.

I have one son that consistently questions the existence of God and whether Jesus was real, for example. However, I've explained to him that even if he chooses a different belief system that it's important to show manners(not that manners isn't a battle with him, but I keep trying) or there's no reason why we, myself and his brothers, need to share our rituals, such as Easter and Christmas.

Parenting is an imperfect experience to say the least. It's challenging, no doubt.

You don't need all the answers, just willingness to get through it.

Middle age crisis can go on for a few years. You can be married with younger kids, and older parent needing geriatric care that you have to find the time for, besides your children and your spouse and job. And you have no time for you and that is where mostly the middle age crisis comes in. One must learn to grab the moments of peace and sanity while they can, to manage ME time especially when needed and not feel guilty about it.
We throw away batteries that lose their charge, but we can't do that to people. Instead they go away to be recharged. Don't let your charge get so low that that happens to you. Take care of yourself if you are a care taker of any kind... blessings and tc

(((Hugs)))

my values have changed drastically over the years. You're not alone. Values are changing around the world....you are not without company. It seems this is really distressing you and I'm sorry. I guess what I'm reading is, you don't agree with your alteration in values and you want to revert back? And you feel stuck?

Can you write a list of traits you wish to revert to? Is it reasonable to think you could work towards achieving some of them? Is there someone you trust to talk about it with?

When it comes to religion I've come to the conclusion that I don't want them to have what I'm currently teaching them. So they go to church service w/me & Sunday school. But, as life has it, my 11yo has a wider faith base than my 6yo. So I feel like....somehow....it's not fair.

Where to go with regards to organized religion has yet to be determined.....Bec I'm in my own search really.

I don't believe in the traditional stuff anymore. Holidays. The gerbil wheel of life, marriage, LOVE, faith, hope, trust.
What the hell do I teach them when I don't believe in any real core values.
Lie?

Losing your ability for faith, love, hope is different from religion. It sounds like depression to me. Doesn't mean it is though. Get some help. You don't sound like you are done with religion to me. Maybe talk to a preacher and see if they make any sense to you. It sounds like you want your youngest to be religious, so you haven't lost all faith. You feel it will do him some good right? There is a church on every corner, so if one doesn't fit, try another.

Yes I have depression & have worked with it for 27 yrs. I did the route w/meds & T's & it really has gotten me nowhere.
Yes I've lost faith, love, hope in life. I question everything now & don't truly believe in much. I've also lost those same qualities in my religion.
My biggest source of guilt comes FROM my religion & my own family members.
I made vows when I was married to raise my children in that faith. Now I don't wanto. My parents are "grieving over the loss" that I've dropped my religion & tell me how I'm damaging my own children. The guilt & shame is palpable.
They really don't wanto hear why. Their not open minded. What I say is a source of argument & a lesson in preaching.
I don't need that.

I'd like my children to understand the golden rule. To live by it. If they want more organized religion they may go seek it.

What I value may not necessarily be what they will value. I don't want them to blindly follow along in life. I want them to seek their own space & values, but that's hard to explain to them when their young.

It does sound like you know what you want to teach or at least share of yourself, however it sounds like there's forces working against you with shaming tactics.

I realize that your husband and yourself are on a rough patch, yet, where does he stand on the topic? Is he with you or against you?

Kids, they may not understand right away, but they sure do grow into it.

I never thought I'd see my ex husband as supportive, but the day all three of our sons were baptized together after my renewed faith, he beemed with pride. My gram exposed my mom and uncle but left the decision to them upon turning 12.

ETA: as I reflect upon how my three sons came to be baptized, it was actually at the priest's recommendation/suggestion. I needed my oldest to receive his for communion.
In reflection: good things happen in time. Directions in plans occur all the time. There's a certain intellectualization that can occur when theological studies are allowed, spanning all, not just one.

I chose to receive confirmation as an adult after much soul seeking. I feel more solid in faith for it. I'm glad that path that began as a teen didn't pan out, my adult experience was that rewarding.

When I married my husband 21 yrs ago he was agnostic, but went thru w/the religious parts Bec I wanted it.
Quickly into the marriage it became a source of disagreement. Then he says he's not agnostic, he's atheist. When he talks about religion there is a steely hatred in his voice. It makes him angry, defensive & rigid.
We've parted ways on this subject. Things we agreed on early in our marriage, he changed & I cowered. It's been extremely difficult to hold onto a religion & very lonely. My church is extremely cold.
But besides those points, I held onto it myself & took my kids with me. It was one thing I thought I could give them that was from me.
But the past couple of yrs my own views on my own religion has changed & things I valued & wanted to instill into my children I really don't value anymore in the grand scheme of things.

When I told my hubby I was planning on leaving my church, he smirked, but kept his mouth shut. He's not supportive at all. We don't support each other or even talk anymore unless it's about on the surface stuff.
We're different people then when we got married. I guess some couples grow together, but we've grown apart.

Anyway, I just feel like I want my kids to have a deeper, fulfilled life. Not "go to college, get a job, get married, work, retire, die..." I want them to want more.
I feel like I'm starting to understand that late in my life, but my husband is focused on.....stuff I don't care about.

Sorry to rant.

No apologies necessary.

There is something to be said for some form of spirituality in a person's life. Even an atheist subscribes to a common sense of humanness in behaving, at its core.

The big inside family, bruhaha, with my 10 year old is about logic. For instance, how can he talk of heaven or hell if not to believe. That actually comes from my 13year old, the one that I've struggled with moral values, yet, because of a recent post in PC, I'm seeing as more a strive to cut apron cords and grapple with his separation from my thinking than as outright rebellion and a long life of antisociety behavior. But I digress.

Their father used to joke that church structures would crumble upon his entry. Has he embraced any form of spirituality? Nope, not at 53 years of age, but he's also not living with me under the same roof. But that happened when the kids were too young to truly remember.

Atheism isn't just a catch all.

I just feel like I'm failing miserably at this job of being a mom. Physically, emotionally, mentally & psychologically.
I can't even have SI Bec I know that series of events will scar them. So I feel like a caged animal in solitary confinement!