[Refuse2Sink]

Hi, everyone. I am new to this board. I usually spend most of my time in the anxiety/ addiction boards. I am a recovering addict raising a toddler as a single mother. My daughters father is in jail, soon to be going to prison for a drug related crime. I have completely removed myself & my daughter from anything or anyone pertaining to that lifestyle.

One day she is going to ask about her father, where he is, what happened, etc etc...My mother says I should not tell her one detail of what happened with her Dad being in prison. I feel that it is not right to lie to my daughter. I think that only leads to her not trusting me in the long run. I also don't want her to feel insecure or not understand why her dad isn't in her life.

Any advice on this subject would be awesome. My mother is this close-minded, über religious, conservative & I feel like her opinions and advice are very biased. I am the complete opposite of her...

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[technigal]

I would tell the truth. If she catches you in the lie she will wonder what other lies you have told her.

[healingme4me]

I agree about honesty. I hear you loud and clear about not wanting her to see him as abandoning her in a traditional sense. He made some poor choices and because of those choices he must face consequences. But it was not about not loving her.
Will he eventually mail her letters? Staying in touch? Even if you place those into a box of keepsakes for when she's older?

[Patagonia]

If she's a toddler you have plenty of time to figure out what you wanto tell her.
A toddler might want an answer for appeasement where as a tween might ask a probing question. Then it depends on the context of the question. What is she looking for? Did something come up at school or a friend say something or geez there's so much to think about.

But you have time & you know her best. Yes honesty is best, but honesty can also be brutal.

[Jan1212]

Omg same here. My ex husband isn't in jail but got arrested and rehab etc. Has been in and out of my daughters life. When she asks where is da-da, I say that he is somewhere else/ not here/ he made a mistake and is correcting it etc.. I also wonder how to explain things in the future...

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[Raindropvampire]

One of my best friends didn't find out until she was 19 that her bio dad was in prison for murder. EVERYONE in her family told her that he died. She wouldn't speak to her family for years and despite the fact that it's been 20 years still rants about how they betrayed her.

If it were me I'd want to know the truth. Maybe as your daughter matures you will be able to make a more informed decision based on her personality.

[winter4me]

When she asks, answer the question asked truthfully.
It saves so much heartache and confusion.

I kind of disagree with the others.

You really have to wait until your daughter can process the information well. Asking questions happens at a much earlier time in life than the ability to understand answers.

I am not saying that you should lie, I am just saying that you need to word your answers in a simplistic way until she is old enough for full comprehension.

[leomama]

I can share my experience with you and perhaps you can draw something useful from it. When my daughter was a toddler I knew I wouldn't be having more kids with her father. I ended up divorcing him when she was in preschool. The fact that you're asking indicates that you care. I would go with your gut on this one. You sound healthy .

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[Refuse2Sink]

Thanks Everyone!!!! I really, really appreciate all of your input on this subject. I do care very much about my daughter. I care about her future emotional state. I do not want to lie to my daughter. I just can't. My parents have never been the most attentive, logical people when it comes to child rearing. My mother lied to me about my fathers issues with addiction growing up. I have barely ever trusted her word ever since. So I agree with all of you that said not to lie. I'm thinking that maybe I should not tell her he is prison, right away. That could be a little much on a kid. However, I do not think that her father is going to be in her life. Not because he is in jail, but because he is highly selfish & immature. He really has zero interest in being a parent. Since he had been in jail & is not using, he still doesn't talk about much when I speak to him. I know that I will have to play all of this by ear, as time goes on & I shouldn't stress about it too much now. It is something that I think about & I am glad to know that you all agree with me about the honesty factor.

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