Upset with my daughter, furious with my ex

I divorced my kids' father years ago. He's done so many things to me and i don't want anything to do with him at this point. He's said hateful things to me, almost never sends money, and has tried to get me in trouble with the authorities when my kids were young. The issue is whenever I try to vent to my twenty year old daughter or explain how I feel about these issues, lately she just gets upset and has this look on her face of not wanting to hear it or doesn't look at me. She lived with her dad till she was fourteen, but lives with me now. We both work fulltime to pay the bills and rent, but it has been a struggle because my health has been poor and my daughters job pays less than 8 dollars an hour and offers less than 40 hours a week most days. I've been putting in alot of hours the past couple weeks so the check I get next week will be good and my daughters been trying to get overtime hours with her job, but its a struggle and we both decided when she gets paid next week she should pay for training to get another job to have a few extra hours of work on the side. Through all this her dad has almost never sent money. My daughter says, "Well, he doesn't have it" or "he's homeless" but even when I was homeless I managed to get my kids fed. He asked her about visiting today. He said he had to come on the bus since apparently he's broke and neither of us have a car and that they'd take a walk together. I told my daughter she can see him but he cant come in MY house that I pay rent and bills for. He cant even come in MY yard. If he hasn't been able to work with me by sending a little money and wants to say hurtful things he's said in arguments, I dont want him in MY yard. I dont want him to know where we live.
I told her they needed to find somewhere to meet up other than my yard unless he has a car to ride in. We'd paid the utilities, so we were broke and she didn't have cab money. She says he doesn't have a car and asks me where they should meet up if he cant come in the yard. I told her you all need to figure that out. At this point she doesn't like hearing that, but doesn't say anything else and goes to her room for the night.
Next morning, things are pretty calm and pleasant as usual, until I try to sit her down and tell her how I feel. I wanted her to understand that she can love her dad, but I dont want him in my yard and she needs to understand how I feel about him, how he's mistreated me and how I need to put my feelings and my emotional safety first. However, she shut down , like always when I try to talk about her dad, not meeting my eyes, showing with her face that she didn't want to talk about this. Everything is mellow until I try to talk about her dad and the issues I've had with him. I told her I feel like she wont let me talk about her dad, doesn't show me understanding and that her love for me is conditional on my not saying things about her dad that she doesn't like. I told her I feel like she doesn't care about my feelings and is not letting me do what I feel will help me emotionally by not letting this man into my yard. She kept saying stuff like, "You dont have to let him in the yard. We'll figure something out and if we can't, I just wont go." We went back and forth for a few minutes, with her saying she's tired of us "talking bad about each other" and saying that I want her to take sides. This made me angry because expressing my feelings is not talking bad about her dad and i don't see how she would dare say something like that about me. Talking bad about her dad would be calling him names. I told her maybe she should go live with her dad.
Finally, she said something like, "I give up," and walked off to her room. Later, I took a nap, and woke up to find her gone. She never leaves the house without me, is not supposed to, and she hadn't left me any note saying she was going anywhere. I got scared and texted her asking where she was, then texted her dad to ask if she had gone with him. She texted me back saying she hadn't gone with him, that she felt like since I didn't have a husband I had to be "the man" of the family and she felt guilty, so she was going to go off on her own . . .with no money, on the streets. She also wrote in ger text messages that she felt like she "didn't count." I told her I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy and told her that she can go with her dad when he comes to pick her up. But apparently her dad called her, came to get her and made her come back here with me.
I told her how angry and hurt I was by everything shed done and she just kept stony silent and didn't say anything. Then she went and locked herself in her room. I started to cry, my sobs were fairly loud and I'm sure sbs could hear me, but she never came out to comfort me or say anything to me.
It's been two days and we haven't been speaking.

? I'm a little confused. This is the exact same thing you posted a couple of days ago.?

hi there
my friend is going through the same thing at work, only her ex has money and he has used it to brainwash her 2 kids, the kids have chosen to live with him, and yes it does hurt, but she said i have to live my own life.

just keep giving her your own unconditional love, and don't expect anything in return, it's hard because she feels like she is caught in the middle between you and her ex. let her know the communication lines are always open, and she can always come to you without feeling judged....

good luck its not an easy situation.

It sounds like you are expecting your daughter to take care of your emotional needs without regard to her own. You are asking her to choose between you and it may end up alienating her. Seems a bit backwards, like a role reversal. The child having to take care of the parent.

I think you are expecting too much from your daughter. You are forcing her to choose between her parents. My parents did that to me and I am still suffering from the damage 30 years later.

So much victim blaming!!! I hope that all who have been criticizing me have been in the position I have been in. If not, one day you will be and will realize what I'm going through.
I posted this yesterday before I went into the emotional support chat room. There I talked to people who were kind, understanding and actually gave a damn about me. So I don't need advice from this thread anymore. Lol thanks for nothing.

cherryberry,

I don't think anyone was doing any victim blaming. You got support and understanding about your feelings, your pain, and your hurt about your ex. You got support in your decision to not allow your ex at your house, of keeping your distance from him. No one acted like they didn't give a damn about you.

However, you are not the only victim in this divorce/tense relationship. Your daughter is another victim, and so also needs support and understanding in moving past a difficult trauma. She has been looking for that support from you, her mother, every time she asks you not to talk about her father.

Understanding that you need an outlet for your feelings, suggestions were made about alternate places/people you could use when needing to talk about your ex/divorce/relationship. Places that would allow you to get the support you need, a place to vent and cry, without also taking away the support your daughter needs in the process. Things that would work for both of you.

I am sorry you see our replies to you as victim blaming, because they weren't that at all.

Take Care.