Parents differ on whether therapy useful

Hi all--teen daughter with overeating and weight problem. I believe therapy is useful (based on a lifetime of experience), wife thinks therapy is useless (based on a lifetime of experience). I don't believe you can draw a linear objective set of proofs that demonstrate its usefulness for my daughter; but I understand its value. Wife looks at the fact that daughter had a small piece of cake tonight as proof that daughter isn't learning anything at therapy and all she needs is some willpower and white-knuckling through things as opposed to endless blah blah therapy. My feeling is daughter is trying. Part of the problem is that wife doesnt want to pay for therapy any more. I''m angry and sad that my wife just wants to pull the plug on therapy, but its hard to argue against her.

What about your daughter- does she want to continue therapy?

I'm sorry your wife is not supportive of the therapy for your daughter. My son has been in therapy for almost a year for anxiety and my husband is not terribly supportive either, although he never says he doesn't want him to go, he's not thrilled about it. Plus our insurance pays for most of it so it's not a money issue.

Your daughter having a slice of cake is certainly not a sign that it's not working! I'm assuming that her therapy is helping her understand why she is overeating and dealing with the issues behind the overeating, which generally has nothing to do with the eating. She's going to eat things for the rest of her life and learning to manage that now will help her so much in the future. How does your daughter feel? Does she think that she is benefiting from it?

Willpower and motivation have nothing to do with it. I'm sure your daughter is motivated and wants to do well at this. Kids do well if they can. So if they're not doing well, then it's our job as parents to figure out what is holding them back, and give them the tools they need to be successful.

What does your daughter think? She's old enough to know if therapy is helping.

Here's the update on that one: my child was self-harming in Sept/Oct/Nov--there are now eight or ten razor marks on both thighs. Did this even though she was going to a therapist. So it doesnt seem like the therapy helped. Discovered while on vacation in Florida--scars visible with shorts. My wife believes in tough love but this evening she was screaming at the child and threatening to have her locked up in a psych ward while throwing books at her --i dont beieve that is appropriate, or even effective.

I'm sorry your wife isn't understanding. Your daughter needs to stay in therapy and her therapist needs to be made aware of the cutting. Only through therapy will she learn healthy coping mechanisms.

It sounds like your wife is a big part of the problem. Her reactions to your daughter sound borderline abusive, and certainly emotionally damaging. What your daughter needs is unconditional love and understanding, not yelling or threats. Since her mother certainly is not providing a soft place to land, she needs therapy all the more. It sounds like your wife could also benefit from being sat down and told how destructive her behavior is to her daughter. I hope you will help provide a buffer between your wife and your daughter, so that the child is protected.

Does your daughter's therapist realize that your wife doesn't believe in therapy?

Self harm is certainly part of deep internal pain. Been there, done that. I was actually in counseling around that time, too, if I recall time frames.

Who brought up the weight issue as a therapy issue initially?

Weight came up as a therapy issue after daughter gained 35lbs in 8 months or so--pediatrician recommended it, and she's a very sensible person. And no, therapist I would guess doesnt know wife doesn't therapy works because wife was very well behaved when we talked to therapist.

My DD, 12yo is in therapy & my husband does not believe in it or helps in her therapy. I feel your pain! Makes everything more difficult & I don't wanto throw in the towel on her bec she's not "perfect."
Don't give up on your child. Be an advocate for them & hopefully yrs later they'll know you didn't give up on them!!

I'm supposed to arrange for a nutritionist for my son on top of some extra speech therapy in addition to school and in addition to having two other sons. He gained 25lbs this year. Plus the weight gained the year before. And of course drs need to dot their own i's and cross their own t's because of the "epidemic."

One thing that concerns me about the added pressure on kids these days is developing a complex.

I asked about the therapist and knowing that your wife isn't on board because there was a time in my life during the restraining order years post domestic assault and battery when a psychologist refused counseling without the other parent's consent because as it was explained to me, therapy won't work without both parents on board and encouraging.

Does my son have a weight issue? Yes. Do my other two or myself? No. Does he need more veggies and fruits? Yes. Would I practically have to force him to do so in an unhealthy battle of wills? Yes. Does he stand a chance of a growth spurt? He's only 10.

Are we over pressured as parents? Yes.

Edit to add: for perspective, my other son, my 11yr old put on zero pounds in 1 year despite gaining height. Had an on the spot stool sample for something. It's the same food in my home despite being told that I must eliminate the junk. My personal bmi is 19. What junk?

I work with food. Have nutrition training. I have seen young girls have hunger pains and needing more food than their peers, extra meals with parent approval. These years are different for every person.