My mother

If she had not died in her early 50s, I wonder if I would have figured out how to become less defensive toward my mother. Maybe I feel this way because I am the child but she seemed like an immovable force. Perhaps it was a case of unacknowledged sibling rivaly. My little sister and mom were always closer than we were and well, something went terribly wrong with me so I wonder if it started in childhood.

We, including my dad, all jumped when she said jump. She could be persuasive and would not rest until she got her way. There were stories about her always selling hundreds more boxes of Girl Scout cookies than everyone else from a very young age. Her father (my grandfather) had a temper and did not make a very good living. He was frequently unemployed and favored his son other his daughter. Despite the fact that my parents supported my grandfather financially, I saw him criticise my mother for very minor things. My sister told me about an incident where he made her cry in front of her (an unforgivable and destructive comment and act). My mom and dad were high school sweethearts but I had the impression that he was not her only suitor in high school because my dad would kid that his best friend was after her too. My dad had a small inheritance which he invested in his dad's company and a bachelor's degree in both business and nursing, etc. After working in a corporate job for 10 years in the city, they sold their house and started a business (a gas station) in the mountains. Soon, they would start other businesses and small projects. My dad would talk about the ways in which following her advice made them successful. Because she came from tougher circumstances, she would not allow my father to agree to contracts that did not protect their interests and, in hind sight, she would always be right. In the mountains (most of the homes were summer cabins), she was a successful realtor and would buy fast/expensive cars which she loved to drive really fast.

I know she loved me. She was not perfect (had as much anxiety as I do) but I did not appreciate her as much as I should have....

My condolences with the loss of your mother.

Your mom sounds like a crackerjack personality, I'm sorry she died before you were able to resolve your differences.

Disparaissant--that is sweet of you to say, it WOULD have been better if she could have lived to an older age. She was full of life and would have found new adventures somehow. She was 55--had my attempt (2 years ago) succeeded then I would have died at 51. She died more than 20 years ago so it is mostly easy to think and talk about.

Nammu--I have never heard of the term crackerjack personality but when I looked up the term crackerjack it said it means exceptionally good. That is a very nice thing to say. Thanks for the sentiment.

I wonder if your attempt had anything to do with her passing at nearly the same age.

When I was 44,

I have wondered that too. It was in the back of my mind during it all. About 6 years ago (it may have happened the same year I went to the psych the first time), my H finally quit drinking. By this time, it had caused him some terrible health problems and suddenly, all he could think about was starting a mission to extend his life. He constantly spoke of how I would be around years longer than him in a very envious way. All this did was make me think of my mom and how I could be the one who could go first. I was also preoccupied with the fact that I felt like the quality of my life has been better than what my children's have been. And I feel like I was suffering from PTSD from enduring Hs drinking problem. I have never talked about it because it's in the past and I feel like I have moved on from it. But his preoccupation with his health lives on....

I think sometimes these things we think we have resolved we haven't fully (& when it comes to losing a mother/father I wonder if we ever really do - my cousin still grieves for her mum almost 30 years now).

The two princes have been talking publicly about their mother recently, almost 20 years for them too, a complex life and relationships there too.

I am sure your mom must have loved you Hoping, even though she may have struggled to show it sometimes, it sounds like she had a tough upbringing and that may have affected her in so many ways (good and not so good). She got a great daughter in you, I'm sure she knew it.

Just to add I am sure she knew you loved her too. Mother's know these things.

In the interviews the princes gave they spoke about regret over the last phone call they had with their mum being so short - they could not wait to go back to their game. Next thing they knew she had gone. Those young men still live with that regret.

I am sure their mother and your mother knew how much they were loved.

Spot on....

She was a good mom and I know she loved me. I was a challenging child and if we took a big five personality test our neuroticism traits would rate mid-high. Though I do think I only get emotionally unstable when I am stressed...

I did not tell her and many others how much they meant to me when I was younger but this is why I tell my friends and family (including H) how much I love and appreciate them now.

I hear you and I think it is wonderful that you are like that now.

I wish my daughter thought the same way about me. I feel so unloved . . .