Am I being too overprotective with my daughter?

I've been told by some friends that I'm overprotective of my 14 year old daughter. I do have a few rules that I make her follow but I don't know if that makes me an overprotective parent. For example, she always has to be in bed by 10 pm on school nights. She isn't allowed to wear make up. I do t let her sleep over other houses. She's not allowed to watch inappropriate or adult content. I don't let her dress "sexy". When it's cold she has to bundle up in snow pants and a warm winter parka with an extra coat underneath. And I don't let her hang out with a boy one on one. What do you think, am I overprotective?

I think those are realistic expectations for a 14 year old.

I know plenty of moms of daughters that say no to the overnight scene. I cannot comment on the snowsuit/pants aa it could be cultural and geographical.
Makeup is typically every family is different so 14 isn't too out of ordinary to say no to it.
I wouldn't want to consider my son alone one on one at this age, either. Good call on that rule

Thanks for the agreement!

Exactly, 14 year olds should not be having overnight scenes.
When it comes to her winter gear when it’s cold she has to be bundled up. She’ definitely dressed warmer than others but I want her to be safe.
And by no make up I meant to like school and stuff. She can wear it to actual formal events.

I certainly don't think your being over protective, especially with what you have been telling me on pm about the "bundling up", for one, I think having her bundled up even in the car just in case you break down is very good.

Regarding make up and others, I am with you on that too.

My daughter is 7 as you know from my messages Deena ��, her bedtime is 8 on schoolnights and half 8 or 9 at weekends but she has to spend it with me instead of up in her room watching tv etc.

I am a bit easier going regarding sleepovers, I will allow them
once I have spoken to the parents of the friends she is staying over at.

With the make up it is a big no as 7 is far to young.

I think you are being a good mum by setting bed times for 10 pm which allows your daughter to have sufficient sleep. I agree with most of what you posted, but while our own mother suffers severe anxiety, my partner and I have become 'Mum' to my little sisters.

'Belle has just turned 13 and goes to bed at 8pm.
Mandy has just turned 16 and goes to bed eary at times when she needs, but for both teenage sisters, I let them stay up a little longer on Friday or Saturday nights providing they finish their home schooling coursewor. Both sisters are not troublesome.

We set two important rules. (1) If my sisters are on messenger chat with their home schooling friends, they keep their bedroom door open so we can see them.

(2) One hour or more before bedtime they stop using their phones and iPads/laptops and no phones are allowed in their bedrooms at bedtime either. This is because phones and devices give off a blue light which will interfere with sleep.

At 14, I was getting quite fashion-conscious, but again my mum disallowed me to wear too short skirts. She wasn't too hard on me wearing sleeveless tops because our summers in Majorca where I was born can get very hot! I had friends, guys and girls whoe were always nice, and I'd bring them home and mum used to approve. That said, I was never troublesome, often preferring to stay at home doing music practice. I'm a Grade 8 pianist and good guitarist, so all my friends are musical instrument-related.

Just a point about 'bundling up' your daughter warm for winter. Using natural fibres such as merino wool vests, hoodies and knitted merino wool hats means we don't have to be bundled up too much. This is because merino wool even when wet or damp remains warm against the skin, whereas synthetic fibres such as fleece when wet, remain cold and will wick away our body's warmth and in really cold wet weather, synthetic fibre clothes coud cause hyperthermia.

Do you give your 14 yo daughter a small monthly allowance? I do for Belle and Mandy. If they donate to charity, my partner and I will increase their next monthly allowance a little so as reward them for motivation in giving.

My partner who is 20, going 21 is an accountant. I've known her for years. She's sived with us for four years, we are family with mum and help her, too.

Julie

I think you are being good with your 14 yo daughter.

I'm 18 yet look after my youngest sister who is 13 and an older sis who is 16 because our mum suffers massive anxiety issues, therefore I've been having to be 'Mum'.

I think 10 pm for school night bedtime is good. My 13 yo is usually in bed by 9 or 8pm if feeling extra tired. 'Belle' has always been very good with bed times, so I trust her on that.

Ecept 'bundling up' against winter cold I don't do. Instead, my partner and I will buy both my sisters merino wool vests, very finely woven meriono as it doesn't scratch or irritate the skin, but being a natural fibre is insulative, light in weight and stays warm even if becoming wet. Merino vests are not expensive if you shop around, even the same in tights keeps the warmth in without the bulk. My sisters will already have merino jumpers and hoodies of the same, the latter more expensive, but hard wearing and no way as bulky. They are happy girls and grateful to my partner and I taking care of them, and giving them choice over clothes we deem suitable.

Both sisters home school therefore have home schooling friends to messenger. They keep their bedroom doors open when nattering online. That is a rule I maintain.

The other rule is phones, phablets and laptops are not used one hour before bedtime. They give off a blue light which is responsible for wakefulness and getting to sleep. Both sisters are good about this, so I count myself most fortunate in having two susper sibs.

Julie

Thanks for your response, you really sound like you’re very responsible for your age! I like the idea of no phones an hour before bed time, but that would be hard since my daughter is always on her phone.

If the phone is an android then there is a free app called Twilight which blocks the blue light. I use it on my phone and ereader all the time. I don't know if there is something similar for iPhones.

Nope it’s an iPhone. I’ve never even heard of the blue light before.

I didn’t read other comments, sorry. I’m just wondering how your Dd reacts to this?

She’s not happy about having to follow my rules, but other than complaining she’s pretty good about it.

Try to be gently assertive, and offer your daughter a reward for giving her phone to you until the next morning. A tin of chocolate coated biscuits is a great motivator. It never fails.

If she's not a morning person, mention she will feel better for a good night's sleep if she shuts her phone off before bedtime.

Let me know how you get on.

Julie

I asked about how your daughter reacts bec some teens will rebel over rules. There’s some rules that are just not meant to be broken & some that have wiggle room.
Going to bed by 10pm can be backed up with scientific evidence that kids need to sleep. It’s just a fact & also the glow of a screen can actually wake a person up instead of bring sleep.
Makeup can be an issue depending on peers. I learned about makeup by applying it on the back of the school bus. Not ideal. Maybe you could take your daughter to a place for a free makeover that would teach her how to properly take care of her skin & teach her how to apply makeup properly for her age, like a bare fresh look that would include a lipgloss that had an spf in it. This gives her a choice, different techniques & an open understanding of what you think is acceptable. Not a harsh rule of “don’t wear it.” It May give her a subconscious feeling that makeup is ugly, is used only by loose women etc. Makeup & her use of it can be empowering.

If she’s not allowed to watch inappropriate shows or adult content where is the line drawn & does she know where the line is drawn. Is it based language, nudity, content? Does she know this & does she understand this. Is this based on your comfort level or hers? If this is based on sexual content does she know why & outrightly understand that decision or is it a blanket “no.” Im just asking. Like can she have sleepovers with other girls?

I understand your rules & yes I have my own for my Dd but do they understand the reasoning behind the rules out in the open. And from my own experience, everything that was a blanket “no” in my house growing up, with no explanation was explored as soon as I left the house.
So if you’re telling her no...& here’s why....then that explains your rules & why you have them. I’m not trying to saying you’re doing this wrong, no way! but that they see why we as parents are making these rules. I hope this makes sense that I am agreeing with you.

I absolutely love this suggestion. I was allowed to wear makeup as a teen. More so in my late teens and encouraged with proper use. Looking back learning about skin care would have been an appreciated thing, although I cannot fault my mom for saying that cold water rinses and good genetics was all she needed. Getting into the workforce simplicity works. It could be a lesson in financial reality in seeing the costs involved and the very short shelf life of these products.
Of course, at 14, I can't quite imagine yet being there in a mother/daughter relationship, my own to my mom and many of my friends with their moms and now my friends and coworkers with their own daughters talk about the early aduot years of where that forms.
I can't agree more with standing firm yet clear about reasons. Until then, it's a stage.

It’s always so hard to separate a teen from their phone. It’s like it’s the most important thing in their life.

I always try to explain the reasoning behind my rules to my daughter, whether she listens or not is an entirely different question.

IMHO....it is! Their entire social world revolves around it. I think we could’ve said the same for teens 20 yrs ago regarding the telephone line.

So have you had any improvements to get the phone out of her room at night? Does she use it a lot at night?