My daughters being a jerk to my family and friends

I told this story to other people on forums and they called me a bad parent and a **** poster.
Here it is I had to go to a Christmas sale I brought my daughter with me to sell my wares. I asked her to help me unload she said "No I don't want to" so I let it slide. through out the sale she took money out of my earnings with out asking me and buying food and she didnt finish it she left it,When i wasnt looking she took money and bought a 7 up and drank only a bit so I started to drink it, Then she asked me for my phone and didnt give it back till the end of the sale at 16%,After the big sale was over asked her to help me pack again it was a "No I dont have to do anything",So again I let it slide, reapeating to myself that shes just 13, ilooked for the half drank can of soda and I couldnt find it I asked her where it went she told me she dumped it out in the sink so she wasted my money on a can of soda that she didnt drink and I never finished my blood boiled by that point.
After the sale, some friends wanted to go uptown so I offered to drive them instead of taking 2 vehicles.Since gas prices are at an all-time high, we went to a restaurant and then I ordered fries for us to share for a light snack, she then tried to ask for a new soda I said "No" she let me have 3 fries and held it away and would whine when I'd reach for them she ate them all and gave me the empty basket I said "thanks for nothing literally". I then ordered my father(aka her grandpa)Some churros to take to him.
I took my friends and dropped them off at there vehicle and we were saying our goodbyes and my daughter says "well get OUt LEAVE, BYE"
Then she said out loud "LOOKS LIKE I GET FRONT SEAT NOW WHEN HE LEAVES GET OUT" now I was even angrier, I gave my dad the churros when we got inside and dad told me how much he was grateful and asked my daughter if she liked them and she said "I already tried them and my father said they are delicious and she looked at him and said "I THINK WE GET IT THAT YOU LIKE THEM". My face was red at this point
It came down to getting the boxes inside from the sale and I asked my daughter if shed help me take the stuff in she looked at me and said "I Don't have to cause I'm spoiled" and she walked into the house and I carried by myself.
As I said I tried to talk about this and someone gave me the dumbest advice in the world they said
"Call your ex and ask her about parenting techniques that she uses so you can use them too."
But her technique is whats causing the problem. I want to fix the problem I have 5 other kids I don't have the time or the funds to be treating her like a little princess that gets everything she wants.
so you must realize that this is bad advice

they told me on that forum that I'm a bad parent and that I'm the problem and that I'm the jerk, Or they say shes only 13.

None of that would be acceptable with my kids. We simply don't allow that kind of disrespect or rudeness. This is a child who has been given no boundaries, and this is the result. And yes, it stems probably from poor parenting practices -- usually a lack of consistency. What may need to happen is that you and your ex need to get on the same page with your parenting practices; your daughter is not respecting either of you because it sounds like either or both of you little consistency about what you expect from her and you aren't backing each other up.

I give her heck I ground I talk to her, nothing works, when she goes to her mom I'm back at square one. Any progress I made with her is gone. I go by "you work for what you get"
my ex goes by "you get everything anyway"

I would take EVERYTHING away. Leave her 4 pairs of cloths and a notebook, sketch pad and a pencil. MAYBE a book, and colored pencils. I'm talking it'd be at least 3-4 weeks before she could earn things back. Sure if she goes to her mom's you'll hear how horrible you're treating her but don't budge. I don't know if you've gone Christmas shopping for her yet but keep it to books, and cloths maybe if you did get her stuff she can earn that stuff first. She's going to rebel hard and this sounds mean to do but you need an attitude change fast even if it's just at your house. I would take everything out of her room while she's at her mom's that's so she doesn't throw a huge tantrum while your removing her stuff.

Thank you for this advice I haven't gone shopping for her yet but she's getting clothes and books and ill get her 1 good gift from Santa but ill explain to her that he wants her to earn it ill tell her "Santa doesn't want me to give it to you until your good and nice and apologize and Santa is a good judge of whether it's sincere or not Santa won't tell me to give you the gift if he knows you are not going to stay nice and kind "

She still belives in santa so ill use this to my advantage

Sounds like you've got your hands full with this one.

I'm confused about how the other forum got all those opinions off of this one story???

I do believe it's a mistake, especially considering the details, to ask her if she would like to help. Demand it! She needs to be a contributing member of your family, even if no longer together with her mom. Carrying a light load of anything, even a bag of rubbish is not unreasonable. If not, a priviledge is lost. It took no time for me to get it into my sons-3of them, heads that take out the trash on the way out the door or lose a gadget was real. Now they voluntary help bag groceries, bring in groceries, etc. Yes, starts with taking out trash ends with helping with groceries. Laundry too.
I cannot believe she's brazenly taking your money like she did?!?! That's a really terrible mentality for her to have. Nip it in the bud. Tell her theft is how sweet little kids wind up in juvi hall with some really terrible things that happen by other kids. Wth?!
Speak up, and speak often about disrespectful and rude behavior. Call her on it every time. That's intolerable in my book. If my kids let loose at home it's one thing, we can address those moments then, but to others?! Hades would be paid...goodbye playstation--maybe even permanently.

Sigh. Yes, she's 13, but.... She does need to learn to be respectful and help out. Maybe she needs to be told the spoiling days are over and now that she's a young lady instead of a child she needs to learn to start having responsibilities. And have consequences when she doesn't follow through. It'll be hard for her to see the rules have changed, though. Best wishes! Emphasize that you do love her. She'll certainly test the limits. Rewards for good behavior every so often will help, methinks.

I think it would help, too, if she knows in advance she's expected to help out at things like a sale and that the money earned is yours--not hers to help herself to without asking. (Did you sell some of her things, though?)

I feel for you. I hear dealing with teenage daughters as a mother is a major challenge. (I had two boys, so I can't speak to the issue from personal experience.) I think I might have done a bit differently with the food situation--talking about her being wasteful, but sharing more--but I can understand how you felt.

thanks, guys I mean I have sweet 9-year-olds, I don't want her behavior rubbing off on them my 9-year-old Jack looks at her and said "you know daddy works really hard for us to give us a good life Leena(Kaileena he calls her Leena) you have to be respectful or Santa won't come." it's pretty bad when my 9-year-old gets it and my 13 year old can't.

Hiya @ Noonelistens

Thankfully, I've not experienced much resistance from my younger sisters because both know I will not tolerate insubordination, so they have always been respectful to me, to Mum and my partner.

Find a quiet moment to take your daughter aside. You need to assert yourself and discipline her for her unpleasantness and appalling behaviour.

Where punishment becomes most effective is the temporary confiscation of her phone, since most 13 year olds are virtually glued to them, its seizure will make her realise you are not going to tolerate her walking all over you again.

I hope your daughter doesn't, but if she verbally lashes out at you, stand firm. Hurtful words from children though distressing and often painful, bounce back when you make a stand against her tirade. The more she rants, the longer you keep her phone you tell her. Explain that nasty behaviour will no longer be tolerated by you, so in time your tougher stance will wear her down to become more amenable.

Face your daughter; stand or sit, but don't use dismissive gestures. Be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial expression and keep your voice calm and soft, not abrasive. Sounding firm, don't get pulled into arguing or trying to explain your reason. This lets you ignore any manipulation your daughter may inflict and stand firm against any baiting remarks.

Then walk away to allow her to cool down. She may retaliate, but walk away so as not give her opportunity. Your daughter may continue her rebellion, but she will lessen her hardened attitude the more you ignore her, until asserting yourself again if need be, but when she shows willing, then give her a small reward as it will encourage her for being more respectful to you.

Do let me know how you get on. A pm is always welcome as I'll receive notification.

All the best,
Julie

There is a good chance her personality, won't "rub off" on her siblings. My oldest, 14, has had the most challenging of personalities, even compared to my youngest who tested on the spectrum, no comparison. My oldest is actually displaying skills that are mature. Not without a ton of tears on my end. I really worried for the longest he was inflexible.

Persistence is key to teaching accountatability.
Don't dismiss it as an age thing. You're her guide.

I canceled her dance class today (I let her keep Basketball) until she can learn respect I told her that she's not getting allowance till the money she took is paid off, she asked for MY phone today I said no lol she got mad at me and I don't give a hoot. She can get privileges back when she learns to respect me I hope this isn't too harsh

Does she have chores that coincide to allowance earnings?
I've somehow, myself, landed on the non allowance path. Kind of have evolved into this way of life, yet, I've grown appreciative of how and why through thought out planning those that don't give allowances choose such a path. It didn't happen overnight. In turn, homelife has evolved into planning, forethought and consideration. Needs, wants, realities, have become the work in progress result. Chores, have turned into pitching in because we all live here. My next stage is teaching how to cook, as they are all asking.
Mine, when allowance time rolled around, would in turn expect to be rushed out to the store. It became too much to bear. Do they still get some of the newest games a couple of times a year? Yes. Did eliminating a weekly allowance open that up? Yes. Do I still expect good polite manners to others? Yes. Do we hold open doors for strangers? Yes.

I to give her allowance for nothing now I'm actually going to make her work for it I'm tired of her attitude