My 15 yr-old daughter is lying

While I know that it's an entirely natural part of adolescence, trying to pull things over on one's parents, but I am terrified about what she's going to do next & that she will see such scary things!

For many years my older daughter has pulled big moves on me. Kyra seemed to carry a lot of hurt & pent up anger after our marriage ended ~ she took those feelings out on me. It's a long & complicated story. Don't worry, I won't bore you! Let me just suffice it in saying that Kyra normally respects her Dad a whole lot more than me, so I'm worried how Kyra will behave hen she is with me. Especially now that Dad caught her and took her phone away for a couple of weeks (Kyra's prized possession).

As it is, Kyra is often a big fuddy duddy. Getting her to go out and actually do something can be quite a challenge. Kyra normally wants to go to the mall, but that's about it. A normal teenager, I know.... However, Kyra shares a room with her younger sister (Lena- who is still so sweet) and I don't want all of this pressure to be on her because Kyra can't or won't do whatever. I shouldn't have to take Lena's rewards away because I am afraid of Kyra taking them from her.

This challenge has popped up several times over the years, but it just feels like it is becoming a lot more complicated as the girls are getting older.

Where's the supportive parenting sites for parents of teens, anyways? . Oh my gosh, I feel for you shez!!

I very much relate to the difficulty in taking away a priviledge that in turn is walking a thin line in not depriving the other. I've sometimes had the non offending sibling check their stuff of potential contraband(for lack of a better word) with me when not in use to prevent misuse from their sibling.

She is 15. What responsibilities does she have? In what way is she held accountable for her actions. I point to the phone as example: what does she do to contribute towards it each month? I personally feel the answer is holding our youngsters responsible and that starts with possessions.

I don't like phone punishments just makes me vulnerable when they beg for mine, giving in. I'd fine other forms of punishment.

It's been my experience that punishments that are unrelated to the core issue don't usually end successfully. First and foremost though, I believe the primary focus should be on finding a punishment (which is a terrible word) that minimizes resentment and maximizes the learning of a life lesson. This gets tricky when you're dealing with a teen obviously, so you have to be cautious not to step on the teenage-hormone driven behavior.

When I was 15, I did a lot of things wrong, and I knew they were wrong, but at the same time I knew that I would only lose my car for a week at most, so there really was no incentive to change. Many times I'd act out because I was perceived as a "problem child" so I simply acted the way I was expected to act. It wasn't until my parents began to express their disappointment in me instead of just punishing me that I began to change.

Now that I'm an adult and a parent myself, I've found that most episodes of acting out by my child aren't what they seem at face value. In my case, my child usually acts out because of some underlying problem that he doesn't want to tell me about or that he feels uncomfortable discussing or he simply thinks I won't understand. Sometimes these episodes of acting out serve as a coping mechanism for him, especially when he doesn't know how to express the real problem. I don't condone behavior that's inappropriate, but I try to make it a point to have a discussion with my child, explaining why his actions were wrong and why he is losing a certain privilege. In my personal situation, when I started engaging my child in conversation, speaking to him as an adult, followed by a punishment that suits the wrongdoing, over time the acting out became less and less and our relationship flourished. It took a while for him to finally come around, at first he just sat and listened. Patience was definitely my friend.

Hi Shez, Have you thought about therapy for Kyra? It does sound like she's carrying too much pain.

I have, Laurie. I even finally got my ex-husband to let me take her (I've been trying for many years, off & on). Kyra went twice, and then told me that she had other responsibilities at school ~ we couldn't work in other days or times. So, that idea went kaput.

Things kind of go in waves. Kyra is doing better again, and I am left wondering, "When will it strike again and what will I do to handle it?"