Depressed son - is our approach right?

Hi everyone, please bear with me while I try to explain our situation- It's a bit long-winded.

Our son is now 17 and says that he has need depressed since the age of 10. We started to notice worrying issues when he was 15.

At the age of around 13 he claimed at school that he self-harmed. The school brought us in and he then denied self-harming and claimed that he had been misunderstood, he'd merely said that he'd accidentally cut himself. The school had him see a psychologist for a term who said there was nothing to worry about.

At 15 we moved very far away from our previous home. He was initially excited about the move, but as soon as he started school here he hated it. Over the next two years things became worse and worse. His mood darkened. He made virtually no friends. He no longer enjoyed the activities he previously lived, except for his games console. His schoolwork plunged (previously a "straight A" student). He didn't want to move to another school here and the family couldn't go back where we were.

I started being very worried about him, checking on him in his room etc. One day I decided to "hack" into his laptop (which we would never have done previously)

At that point our choices narrowed somewhat as you might imagine. He insisted that he "probably" wouldn't have gone through with it. But the practical nature of the note told me otherwise (passwords etc).

We got him in to see a psychiatrist who prescribed anti anxiety meds and anti depressants. He also saw a psychologist to talk through his issues in private.

We arranged for him to go back to his old school at "home" which made him very happy.

Now nearly a year later things aren't improving for him. He doesn't socialise with his old friends at all and can't motivate himself to do his schoolwork. He also says that he no longer wants to go to college because he can't seem to get the work done now.

He's angry and isolated. When he comes back here during school breaks He's fine for a few days and then the cloud descends. Anything we suggest or advise is immediately shot down. He isn't interested in seeing a therapist - he says it makes it worse "dredging it all up". He blames us for not standing over him forcing him to do schoolwork while He's here.

So That's the situation currently. He's got one more year at school before he leaves and either goes to university or not. The careers he wants to follow (obsessed by) really don't work well with his state of mind. He seems frozen, he takes no initiative. Unwilling to move on and get help, almost enjoying the misery. He seems to be subconsciously setting himself up to fail and driving friends away.

We have repeatedly said that we love him and we'll support him whatever he wants to do after he finishes school - university or not. We have also said we'd pay for whatever therapy he might want etc. But we can't force him to do what he needs to do to get better - has to come from him.

Is this the right approach? Is forcing him to take more responsibility for himself the right thing? He seems angry at us when we step in (e.g. when we sent him to the psychologist last year) and angry at us when we step back. If being angry at us is what he needs - That's fine, just Don't want to make things worse. He'll be 18 soon.

Hello and welcome to PsychCentral! I'm sorry you are dealing with this most difficult situation. Since I've not been in this situation myself I doubt there would be much of anything in the way of insight I could offer. However here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives that may be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-way...one-in-denial/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/helpin...snt-want-help/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-ways...th-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-ways...hos-depressed/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...essional-help/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-can...hos-depressed/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/common...y-be-suicidal/

There's also a book I have seen recommended as a "must read" for anyone who has a family member with mental illness who can't, or won't, seek treatment. It is titled I'm Not Sick, I Don't Need Help. (It is available for purchase on Amazon I believe.) Here's a link to a review of the book:

A review of "I'm not sick, I don't need help!" - Friends for Mental Health

My best wishes to you...

I think you are handling it just right.

Just something to consider, did you try asking your son why he considered suicide?

People always have a genuine reason for behaving the way they behave. You can try to understand that reason, that's all you can really ever do. You can't change people. And the more you try to change people, the more they will resist.

I personally in my twenties now am more or less disconnected from my family. They only wanted the best for me, but also, living with them made me truly miserable and crippled me mentally and emotionally for most of my teenage years. Back then I know I felt suicidal because I always felt trapped in a web of expectations and pressures. I never felt like i had any personal space or freedom to be myself. I'll tell you one thing: the one question they never ask me is, "why?" They're never curious about how I think or what things mean to me. When they call, they ask me lots of questions, so many questions, what are you doing, what are you going to do, have you done this or that yet, etc. But they definitely never ask me why. Don't know if this is helpful at all but, just in my case, I can't tell you how many times I have wished they cared enough to be curious about that.

Skeezys - many thanks for those links, I'll work my way through them.

Dnester- appreciate the thought, thank you

magicalprince - yes we asked, but he denied feeling truly suicidal. He admitted feeling hopeless and that everything felt pointless. He seems to have his own internal narrative which differs from ours (perhaps reality is somewhere in the middle?). He's really smart, scarily so... but we've never expected him or his sister to do more than their best. As long as He's tried his best, that's enough. He seems to have his own internal "I must be perfect" thing with no room to learn or grow from mistakes - he just mentally tortures himself.

He expects us to react badly and punish him if he does poorly at school. Which we don't deserve - we walk on eggshells around him. I'm sure we're not perfect parents, but he often veers from "fear of us punishing him" to being angry at us not being strict enough!! It's confusing!

His sister by the way, who has never got as high grades as him academically is a sea of zen-like calm.

magicalprince - in addition to my rambling reply, I've been thinking about your comment regarding not trying to change people. I would desperately like to change one thing about him. How he perceives himself and his achievements. Praise is ignored, criticism is picked apart like a beloved scab. He manages to always find the dark cloud behind the silver lining. It breaks my heart. The psychologist sessions were supposed to help with this, but he seem to have endured these rather than have taken anything positive from them.

I have taken a lot from your comment and will ensure that we don't let the "whys" get lost in the "whats".

As far as attitude goes, I actually am somewhat different from your son myself, but I am close to someone that has this sort of attitude and actually I have stressed before very much about how I can help this person who at times seemed to be a black hole of negativity and hopelessness. It seemed like it was impossible to be of any help even when I knew I had such positive intentions and was so willing to help. Over time I actually have learned to help this person and actually the most important factor in being able to do that was to learn to pull back. When I was always trying to re-frame things to be positive and optimistic, it never helped.

You know, some people actually find comfort in negativity and low expectations. Usually this means they have very high standards for themselves and find it hard to live up to those standards. It's a fear of failure, then fear of failure leads to fear of action. You definitely can't change the fear, though I can completely understand why you would want to. Sometimes it's even just a tendency of their personality.

I think it is actually important to not try to change the negativity. It's good, for example, if he were to feel more like he can talk about it and vent about it. It may seem unreasonable and excessively negative to you, but, the negativity may be a source of comfort for him and it's important not to try to disarm him of that. Think of it like a child's favorite blanket. It's not like it will never change, but maybe he just needs that right now. I'm not saying to agree with it, it's okay if you think he's wrong, but really, nobody is going to change his beliefs. If those are ever going to change, that needs to come from within himself. It's okay to disagree, but there is a difference between disagreeing vs. needing him to agree with you. Correcting him only feels like judgment and then creates distance. It's okay to care and okay to be concerned, but don't let it get under your skin too much. Don't let it change who you are when you're around him, because if you change he will feel it and it will only make him more skeptical of your intentions. Appreciate your son's positive traits, but let him decide how he wants to utilize them, and don't try to spare him from failure, because I think the one thing he needs the most is to learn to be comfortable with the notion of failure. It's really okay to fail. Failure offers wonderful lessons, and the most successful people in this world are those who have failed routinely, because they learned the most. Now look at, for example, if you were to say "I would encourage you to do this or that thing because I want you to succeed," in that you are also sending a covert message that "I am afraid you will fail without my guidance."

It's probably hard for you to pull back when the state he's in is so genuinely worrying, but I think it's all you can do.

Hopefully that's some more food for thought. You clearly care and your heart is in the right place and you just want to help him, I know you do. I think it's just a case of everybody having different needs and really, a different mindset. But there is value in each of those differences. What I can say for sure is that nobody ever got worse by being listened to and heard without judgment, even IF what they're saying sounds completely untrue and unrealistically cynical.

Very wise words magicalprince. We will do our best to try to not automatically reframe his negativity.

Thank you to everyone who responded, I feel a lot more positive about how to support him having read your comments.

Is there any possibility of finding out if your son has been getting bullied at school?

SybileMarie - we asked at his old school and he was very definite in saying no. He's on good terms with the kids where he is now - he just won't socialise with them. In the end they'll stop trying to be his friends if he keeps them at a distance the whole time - isolating him more.