So Much For Any Relationship With Son

I’m so sad to lose the relationship with my son.

He’s taken it too far in his disregard and disrespect with me, and now I’ve expressed my feelings of hurt about it loud and clear.

So, I expect to have little to nothing to do with my son and his wife-to-be and any children they may have.

All I can do is pray he will have a change of heart and express his love and respect for his parents. But, I doubt that will happen. He’s made his defiance quite clear.

How very unfortunate and shytty.

I couldn’t love anyone more than I love him. I thought I was a great mother. I am shocked he would intentionally stab us in the back. I know in my heart it is his fiancé behind his attitude. But still, my son is responsible for his actions towards his parents.

Who the hell did I raise?

What’s a mother to do? I don’t want to give effort or money to this upcoming wedding at all. I don’t want to support this union at all now. I guess I just won’t call or do anything.

I’ve deferred to his father to handle it with our son. I’ve already stated my disappointment and hurt in his choices. We had accepted his fiancé and tried to be supportive of the wedding, but now he did something unforgivable and pushed it too far.

I see the writing on the wall. There will be nothing but friction with this girl at every turn. I give!

He knew how hurt we’d be, and he went ahead and did it any way. His reason he stated (BS) for doing it was the level 1 out of 10 in importance, while our reason for hurt is 10 out of 10. Still, he went ahead and hurt us.

I don’t ever want to get into it again with anyone over anything! Why does shyt keep getting flung at me?

God is obviously punishing me for whatever I must have done. I must deserve this.

I could not have been a good mother and have my son callously hurt me, which he has done several times now since moving in with his fiancé. He never did anything wrong before, nor did I!

Are you able to share anything specific? I mean if you are comfortable? I am newish here so I am not familiar with your situation. I can share about what the journey has been with my daughter but I dont want to share about it if it has no bearing on your situation.

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Originally Posted by TishaBuv I’m so sad to lose the relationship with my son. He’s taken it too far in his disregard and disrespect with me, and now I’ve expressed my feelings of hurt about it loud and clear. So, I expect to have little to nothing to do with my son and his wife-to-be and any children they may have. All I can do is pray he will have a change of heart and express his love and respect for his parents. But, I doubt that will happen. He’s made his defiance quite clear. How very unfortunate and shytty. I couldn’t love anyone more than I love him. I thought I was a great mother. I am shocked he would intentionally stab us in the back. I know in my heart it is his fiancé behind his attitude. But still, my son is responsible for his actions towards his parents. Who the hell did I raise? What’s a mother to do? I don’t want to give effort or money to this upcoming wedding at all. I don’t want to support this union at all now. I guess I just won’t call or do anything. I’ve deferred to his father to handle it with our son. I’ve already stated my disappointment and hurt in his choices. We had accepted his fiancé and tried to be supportive of the wedding, but now he did something unforgivable and pushed it too far. I see the writing on the wall. There will be nothing but friction with this girl at every turn. I give!

I’m afraid if I do, I’m going to get jumped on here. People may judge that they don’t like that we feel strongly about this issue. We feel traditional, and he wants to denounce who we are and who he is and dishonor his heritage.

And he gave such a BS reason for it! A total lie I am sure. The true reason is she is putting pressure on him to do it.

Thank God he told us now. Had he not, this would have become evident at the wedding. Visions of me turning into Carrie ensue!

Sounds like a cultural thing. If your son is young, you alll still have a chance of coming together. And remember how emotional the time around weddings is. You all may decide to take a deep breath, step back,and make sure you dont do anything you cant undo later.
I have a lot of problems with my 40 yr old son. He doesn’t get my disorder and his wife is very low drama. They sometimes say of her that her dad raised her to be the boy he never had. I am definitely a girly girl. Sometimes I wonder if her family is warning them against letting their kids be alone around me tho I was an elementary teacher for 15 years. They have no mental illness in their family. I need to have some long talks with them, but we live in the next state and my husbands health isn’t good. Thanks for the reminder to me that some things are the most important of all.

I wanted to be low on drama. I tried to be mindful of everyone’s feelings and make everybody happy.

After this initial shock wore off, I still don’t feel any less strongly and have the same opinion moving forward.

When you have to put your foot down, you just have to. The consequence will be estrangement from my son.

Even if I had gone along and said nothing, I feel there would have been nothing but disrespect and conflict continuing in this relationship, coming from my son’s fiancé but through him toward us.

I feel she is being abusive to him, and he is doing whatever she wants.

Praying for some miracle for this girl to knock it off and we all get along... but knowing that won’t happen. So then praying for son to be strong and find happiness however that may be for him.

My son and I enjoyed a wonderful relationship. He’s the most precious kid. We NEVER had a disagreement or argument. I never had to discipline him in any way. He never did anything wrong. He had friends, girlfriends, his hobbies and interests, never a problem.

Ok, there were two girlfriends that we had to show concern and guide him into breaking up with them as they were outrageously high drama. One was in middle school and one early in high school. There was another nice high school gf who we said was the only normal girl he had brought home then. She smiled, looked you in the eye when she spoke, and just seemed like an average, decent girl. I never had any problems with any of his girlfriends as though I was jealous in any way that he had them. He had gf’s since preschool. He just loves the ladies... I see, he gets too under their thumb. But, he didnt get that from me. He wasn’t too under my thumb, either. We had a very healthy, loving relationship!

So, I sent this awesome kid to college. Six years later, he is completely defiant and has no qualms about hurting his parents by denouncing everything he and we are. To please this girl!

What did I do wrong? Why is he doing this?

Maybe I can still talk calmly with him and get this issue under control.

My h and I refuse to eat the shyt sandwich. We’re damned if we do or if we don’t.

Maybe a sweet, loving talk with him and her can get them to have some compassion.

So something of zero importance, that he says he decided to do because he thinks it sounds fun, was something he refused to back down from regardless of how it is enormously hurtful and offensive to his parents.

I had to draw a boundary and say we just won’t be a part of it, standing there while he dishonors us like that.

I’m sorry I am not the super easy going type of parent who could have such unconditional love in my heart that I would stand there and let my son dishonor and humiliate me.

I feel small, unloved, and extremely unimportant.

I think the universe is telling me that I cannot get out of the woods of situational depression, because the hits just keep on coming.

All I can do is try to find purpose. I have much to give. I can find deserving recipients.

We have a lot in common. I had to finally set a big boundary with my son Jason recently. I too am the one,not my ex, who sets any limits with him. We mainly have a personality clash. He also was the perfect kid you described (tho not as many girlfriends) until puberty. I was a single parent for many years and it was tough financially and in the toll it took on my anxiety and depression , but I was high functioning and worked until retirement, tho not making much money. We did joint custody with no child support or alimony, which was my idea s a feminist. Often men dont pay anyway so I figured I would just stay friendly with my ex and it would be better in the long run and it has been.
Tho my son dated a girl in high school who has since become a doctor (damn, I think we would have gotten along great), he married, with my blessing a girl who loves sports like does and is basically wonderful. He has always had no problems with his dad because his dad is so laid back he is almost asleep LOL . Hence I have to plan and decide EVERYTHING.. So I am the one who has to push anything that might not go over well with everyone in the extended family. The pressure of that makes me stressed and impatient.
However, we were basicallly OK until Jason has become overwhelmed with 2 little boys (5 and 8). He coaches both their baseball teams and plays on an adult league of his own. I think thats way too much and have told him so. He is passive aggressive with me, accepting my talkative super planner personality until all of a sudden he is being really short with me in a bickering mode, then blowing up and ranting at me. My ex does nothing to stop him so that puts us on the outs as well.
So now I am insisting that my daughter in law be with us at all times as a buffer. She will not always side with me, but he doesn’t do the really outrageous behavior in front of her.
I just bought a van, my hope being that having wonderful adventures will prevent the bickering from even getting started. There are many places the little boys should really see in this wonderful country of ours. Since things were going downhill with the pressure of my ex’s serious medical conditions(which I manage totally), this is a Hail Mary move, but I really think it will work.. I CONSIDER THE THING OF ULTIMATE IMPORTANCE TO BE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY GRANDKIDS FOR THE FUTURE. I cant be around my son if he is going to treat me w disrespect, but I will fight for the relationship w my grandsons. Fortunately, California, where my grandkids live, has grandparents rights laws. I hope I never have to use them.
Sweetie, my thoughts and best wishes will be with you. Hugs!

Before this incident, it’s pretty much always been me calling him to keep in touch, once a week at least.

After last night’s call with husband and me and son, I doubt he will call at all ever again.

I have really been abandoned by people who say they love me, physically or emotionally.

I’m fairly sure I have C-PTSD/ Attachment Disorder, and here is yet another person who abandoned me. While that is not his intention, he is only wanting to do something that is devastating to us for his own reasons, it really is emotional abandonment.

So I am just in shock from another knife in my back. I recently had a falling out with my FOO. Lots of knives in my back from that incident. I didn’t eat that shyt sandwich, either.

Everything I see on TV today is about loving families. Family is everything. Loving mother has such a loving daughter, they have such a psychic bond, spiritually uplifting. I am in my own hell having to cry all the time from now on when I see that stuff.

I don’t have any trust anymore in any one close to me. I must have deserved this. He must harbor secret hatred to have done this. I guess he hates my h and I for our unhappy marriage and dysfunction. Even though the fighting never extended to the kids, they must hate us for it.

I really feel if you want some good feedback, at this point you need to explain what this was about specifically. We see how much pain you are in, but this is so sketchy without detailed info that you are just not getting the support you need. Do you have a therapist? Do you live close enough to your son that you could all go to short term counseling together?

I’m sorry to be sketchy. . I’m afraid if I said what it is, people would start judging and weighing in about whether or not I am right or justified to my feelings. It’s ok to have gotten your support, I appreciate it. I didn’t know about grandparent’s rights.

At least my husband is with me on this one as it effects us both. I deferred the handling of it any further to him. I can’t tell you how good that makes me feel, that he will handle an issue. I’ve been handling others all by myself and it’s been horrible.

We’ve talked about it with a few close friends. They all had the same reaction as us. The consensus is that my son is being bullied by his fiancé. I hope he will see the light. I don’t want him to be heartbroken.

I'm glad your husband is with you on this. Unfortunately, we can't prevent all our children's heartbreak and pain, especially when they are adults. I don't see how he could ever hate you and, of course, you will always have love in your heart for him. All the things you did for him as a child do matter--they are his foundation whether he sees it clearly or not. Try to remember the happy memories. I pray that he comes back to you some day.

Renewed with strength this morning, we’re not going away so fast. We are going to try to talk to him and his fiancé and ask for basic respect, hopefully compromising with them to provide it so we can attend their wedding. If that doesn’t work, we are calling her parents and doing the same. Fingers crossed.

I am sorry this is such a tough situation and I am sorry you feel like you would be judged and because of that do not want to share.

I really like your approach at this point of letting your husband try and trying to negotiate. It is great that he is taking some of this off your shoulders. When he will participate, my partner is better at being the good cop. We used to be a good tag team , but he is just tired from all his medical issues.
We’ll be pulling for you! Hugs!

Yeah, my apologies for not revealing certain information for this reason or for privacy reasons. I realize I’ve done this in other threads too. I didn’t think that bothered anybody. However I gave enough information for anyone to help me with the issue and my feelings.

I hope I am not violating PC rules. I like to post for my own benefit, even if no one helps me.

I am going to apologize to my on for anything I may have done that made him angry. I am going to tell him anything he does is acceptable to us, even though it deeply hurts us. We are going to get through the wedding day, pumped with meds.

So much for boundaries, I am eating the shyt sandwich. I can’t bear to be estranged from my son. Though, I expect everything bad to keep happening, and this is a hopeless situation.

PC is for venting too.. it isn’t hopeless. The future stretches ahead so many years. When the grandkids appear, the priorities will change. Also someday you may need all of the members of the younger generation to look out for you! Yes, get past the wedding with all its emotionality. It’s just one day vs all the years ahead. Try mindfulness to enjoy the beauty of the occasion- the flowers, the pretty dresses, the cake etc. I will use your good example to use patience in my own situation.