Parenting, mental health and healing

Hello
I'm not sure if I should be posting here as I'm new so please move if need be.
I don't know what I'm after to be honest. Validation? Advice? I honestly don't know.

I am a single mum to 2 kids, boy who just turned 16 and girl just turned 11. Their dad lives interstate and has only seen them during holidays.

Until last Christmas, I lived in another state to where I am now. I wasn't coping mentally, was on 200mg antidepressants, and it only made me feel numb to all of my issues.

The kids and I came interstate to visit my best friend for Christmas and NY, and while here my bf was very concerned about my mental health and suggested (a forceful suggestion) I stay and heal. In my desperation to become better, I agreed. Very drastic decision but I did what I thought at the time was right for my mental health.

Daughter took it well, son did not and after many nights talking about it he said he wanted to return to his high school, stay with family. I let him go because i knew he wouldn't be happy here plus he goes to a very good high school. So, he left and living apart from him has bee very hard.

Fast forward to now, Im off the meds completely - I'm not going to pretend things are rosy, they're not, it's a work in progress, have had counselling, etc - but I am so grateful for the opportunity to get better. I am working and have a nice place for me and my daughter. But after all is said and done, I feel incomplete and am struggling to turn this place into a home. I miss my son, I miss my friends where I lived and I miss the place I called home for 7 years. Also, my daughter misses her brother very much.

I am seriously considering moving back - better planned this time - but I'm worried that I'm making this decision based on an unhealthy attachment to my son (I don't know if that's it, I have no way to tell) or if it really is what I'm thinking - I want my family back together again; me, my son and my daughter.

When I mentioned this to my son the other night he was so happy, I haven't heard the happiness in his voice since last year.

I've mentioned this to a couple of people who brought up the unhealthy attachment issue and it really stuck in my head.

Any thoughts? Thank you for reading all of it!

Hello Glasses: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

I don't know as there is a lot I can offer in the way of advice with regard to your situation. To me this seems like an excellent discussion, or series of discussions, to have in therapy. I know you mentioned you've "had counseling, etc." But if you're not currently seeing someone perhaps it might be worth considering seeing someone again since the decision you need to make is clearly of concern to you & has quite a few facets.

You didn't go into the specifics of what it was that made your "pre-move" situation so difficult. From my perspective I think a large part of what decision you might make, about moving back there, hinges on what it was that caused you to leave to begin with. If by moving back you'd be returning to the very same circumstances that caused you to move away to begin with then I think it might be wise to think seriously about whether or not returning makes sense.

I understand going back would probably be nice for your son as well as your daughter. But is it worth taking the risk that your own mental health may deteriorate as a result (if that is in fact the case?) On the other hand, you wrote that you miss your son, your friends & the place you used to call home. These are certainly significant concerns not to be taken lightly. Ultimately I guess only you know the answer to the question you raise.

Personally I don't think any of us, here on PC, would be in a position to comment with regard to the status of your attachment to your son... whether it is or is not healthy. (I know I'm not.) You mentioned having shared your thoughts with a couple of people who brought up the "unhealthy attachment issue". You didn't mention who these people were. I do think, personally, one needs to be careful about putting too much stock in lay-peoples' amateur mental-health-related comments. So if the individuals who brought this up were not mental health professionals who are familiar with your circumstances, I would be inclined to be appreciative of their concern, but to not put a whole lot of stock in it. (Just my own personal bias mind you...)

All that written, here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of making good decisions, the first by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. Also included are links to 3 articles on the subject of attachment styles just in case you're interested in reading a bit more on that subject:

Choices: How Do You Make Them?

Can't Make That Decision?

15 Tips to Help You Make the Most Important Decisions

5 Tips on How to Make the Right Choice

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...ser-decisions/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-ques...ood-decisions/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is...-it-important/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...oes-it-matter/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...dium=popular17

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Hi Skeezyks

Thanks so much for your response. And for the links - which I am clicking on as we speak - they are very helpful.

The situation I was in back home was a tricky one in that it was with my mother - who has a lot of mental health issues of her own which she does not seek counselling for - and I was in a vulnerable position and gave into her to 'save the peace'. She basically moved in to my home when I left the ex and she refused to leave, always starting panic attacks and I was very scared of what she would do to herself (not harm herself, just emotionally and mentally) so in effect, I believe, a lot of what happened stemmed from a boundary issue on my part. As I left so drastically, she had no choice but to move into her own place (which she has done) and there is no intention of her moving out. So if I return home, the first thing to set in place is the expectation of never having the option of moving in with me again. If all I got from this move was the opportunity to 'cut the cord' with my mother, I think that's a pretty successful opportunity as she had me by the b*lls, so to speak., and it also highlighted what I really want in my life - a home with my children.

I spoke to my son last night - just one of our regular catch-ups - and he was joking around about a party the whole year was invited to after their year 10 formal in December and apparently, the parents of the child who is hosting this party are regular users of cannabis and I gave him a huge talking to about the risks of drugs, alcohol and while he's a mature and sensible kid, he's also a teen and that really stood out to me - he is living away from both his parents, with family who are guardians but essentially, are not his parents and it freaked me out, to be honest. He needs a strong role model and I know sometimes that's not a parent but it has always been like that with us. He talks to me about everything (and sometimes over shares) and I have always been the constant parent in both my kid's lives. Before I separated from their father, I was always on my own with the 2 kids as he used to go away for work for weeks on end - he was never the father they needed - and they have always come to me for their success, failures and when they need anything at all. I know I can still be there for my son no matter where I am but it just doesn't feel right - something is niggling away at me about this. He needs to be parented.

Anyway, thanks again for providing those links, and for taking the time to respond