TRIGGER: Did we do the right thing?

Several months ago, our son was sexually assaulted at a party. He was 16 at the time, 17 now. His father and I would never have known if it hadn't been for his sister telling us. At the time, he didn't know that she knew. When we finally attempted to talk with him about, he said that it was not something he wanted to talk with his parents about. He definitely did not want to file charges. Eventually, we were able to talk him into counseling with a one-on-one therapist. He was seeing her every couple weeks for a few months. She finally released him because he started missing appointments and no longer wanted to go. He said it was unnecessary and felt silly. Honestly, our son didn't seem too bothered by the whole thing. We are concerned by the fact that he had been drinking at the party, something we recognized as a factor in the assault. However, other than that, he seemed his usual self. It's horrible to imagine, but I've wondered if it wasn't like a rites of passage type thing, or something?? He is not gay, but he told his sister that he felt like he was so "hot" that people can't help themselves... Idk...

So, Thursday night, he went out "road-tripping" (drinking and driving with some friends and girls) and we caught him when he came home. We told him he was grounded and were taking away his truck. Things got heated. He was upset, pointing out his good grades and success in other areas. We told him we didn't care, and it wasn't negotiable. That is when he threatened to kill himself. Our discussion ended at that point and we all went to bed. Friday morning, I took him to school. When I picked him up, he said he'd rather be dead. He didn't say it, but I assumed he meant than to have his mother picking him up from school and being grounded.

His father didn't seem too concerned about it, but I stayed up all Friday night researching suicidal ideation and threats, depression, risk factors, and possible actions to take. Saturday morning, I told my husband I wanted to have our son evaluated. He finally agreed. We told our son that his sister had been in an accident and that we needed to go to the emergency room. We told registration the real reason we were there, and shortly thereafter a nurse and two security guards took our son back.

I went back to his room to help with information. He was upset. The staff had to "assist" with the removal of his clothes and possessions. Then, later, a nurse came for a urine sample. He didn't have to go right then, so she brought him a cup of water. Five minutes later, she came back, he still couldn't go. 10 minutes after that, he still couldn't. At that point, they used a catheter on him. Staff had to assist with that also.

Once the doctor evaluated him, he told his father and I that he didn't have any issues with sending him back home with the recommendation of outpatient therapy, unless his father or I didn't feel that he would be safe. Then, he would recommend inpatient hospitalization. It was our call. I remembered the threats and how he blew off counseling before. I just wanted something done about it all. I wanted to feel like we had taken action, and not just kicked the can further down the road, so to speak. I expressed my concerns to my husband, and eventually he agreed with me. We said we did not feel he would be safe at home. It was that simple.

One thing I did not realize is that there is a wait for beds at all of the adolescent facilities. Until there is an opening, he has to stay at the hospital emergency room. It could be days, or weeks even. They moved him back to a locked part of the emergency room, and into a room that is bare except for a mattress. That is where he's been since Saturday. A nurse checks on him every 15 minutes, food is brought to him, he's escorted to the bathroom whenever he has to go, he has a paper gown and that's all. No phone or any other personal items. I can go and stay with him. He said it feels like prison, and that we are punishing him for his behavior.

Once he gets to the facility, from my understanding, his stay there will be anywhere from 5 to 10 days. Also, transfer to a more long-term residential treatment is an option if they, or we, feel that would be of benefit at the end of his inpatient hospitalization. I just don't know if we did the right thing?

I think your son is somewhat effected by the incident. He is just trying to put a brave face for the sake of world,as if it didn't matter to him.He is a minor,and I don't understand why you won't report it.

Hello Ch1975: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

Both in your post, as well as in the title, you asked if you did the right thing. I'm not going to offer an opinion on that. I'm not a mental health professional. (Most of us here on PC are not.) And this is a situation that has quite a few facets to it. (Other PC members may have perspectives they'll wish to offer.) Perhaps it would be something that would be worth both you & your husband discussing with a family therapist yourselves?

I do think people who are knowledgeable with regard to suicide would say it is always important to take any threat of suicide seriously. Here's a link to an article, from Psych Central's archives, that speaks to that perspective:

How To Handle a Teen's Dramatic or Manipulative Suicide Threat | Don't Call Me Crazy

The fact is, as things stand now, your son is where he is. And you can't undo what has already occurred. I think the best you can do, at this point, is to exercise your best judgement in consultation with the medical & mental health professionals who are treating your son. My best wishes to you & your family.

I think you by means you did the right thing.

His talk about alcohol being involved in the incident ???? That’s the type of stuff women are often accused of “ well you were drinking so..” and some people who are victims believe that unfortunately.

It’s common for teenagers to start blowing off Therapy, it’s hard as adults to face trauma, children and especially teenagers certainly struggle and him being Male???! Well ... aren’t most men portrayed as tough and strong on TV , movies and all over social media??

Yes it can take time to find a psych bed, he can get mad all he wants , you need your child safe and he is where he’s at.

Once he’s inpatient with other teens it will help him realize he’s not the only one his age that struggles with all kinds of things.

I hope your son finds ways to help heal from the violent act done to him and how to move forward in a healthy safe manner.

You did good Mom