My 19 year old is pregnant AGAIN-on purpose-and my life has been turned upside down!

This is very long and very important and private.

So this was the original thread from July:

(https://psychcentralforums.com/partn...-pregnant.html)
And I really thought we had made it to sanitiy. How wrong I was.

She is still with this immature, hardly equipped underachieving guy who is nice enough but not ready to handle fatherhood. They left their apartment(actually a rented room after voluntarily leaving sober living) and have been staying with his mother saving up for a place.

{as an aside three weeks ago I saw a self started gofundme requesting donations to afford a new place and they had a roommate lined up. I was mortified. They said they left the rented room because their roommate was a drug addict that they only just learned about. I call BS. Oh and did I mention that someone gave her two kittens and she took them in? I think the roommate didn't like that and that is why they left. She lost the call center job (her like 14th job) probably because they had to stay an hour away at his mothers. She didnt tell me any of this until she was already living there}

3 weeks ago I had a dream I was strapping my granddaughter into a carseat and woke up sick to my stomach. Since the first scare all of us were on her about birth control- she used to have the implant and it expired, so they deliberately did this. It was an actual choice. Last friday she needed a ride to her doc appointment and her dad is trying to fix her car because she took a turn too fast and smacked a tree. He took her. I knew then something was up. I kept asking her if she needed to tell me anything. When she got back I asked how it went rather- I asked her if the doctor confirmed she was pregnant. She actually looked shocked for a hot minute but I can always tell when she is lying or has something going on. She is 10 weeks along.
In her heart of hearts she knows this relationship is not a forever thing. She knows that she will be legally tied to him forever. She barely graduated HS and had to go to rehab and sober living where she was actually doing well at. I was remarkably calm and didn't tell anyone for a few days. Then I told my husband who had his heart broken again, her siblings who are upset and my mother who is so angry because of how this will impact my life. My husband is superman. We worked yesterday for 6 hours. Her car failed emissions inspection so he put in the new Cat last week. She needed a new fan, radiatior and some other thing because of the accident. All she needs replaced are new front seatbelts. The airbags are trash. they were removed and the wheel was patched.

I am not a selfish person but I am 44 and finally at a point where I can think about doing something for me- like a career that involves my degree. And now we will be grandparents in May because she selfishly wants a baby, I guess to unconditionally love her. Even as a little girl she always said she wanted to be a mom when she grew up. I always told her that yes, being a mom is important but you should have something for yourself and can be a mom as well. ( I stayed home with my kids starting when she was 3 because of them but mostly because of my mental health and had to go on disability)
They had no jobs because of course he lost his with her.They have no money. His mother lives north of us. While the car has been out of commision they have had to take mass transit which sucks in NJ and they had to take three transfers. They took jobs at the amazon warehouse night shift 6-430am which is 15 minutes from me. One night they asked if I could pick them up and they could stay with us and get dropped off the next night for their shifts. That was Wed. She is PREGNANT. She fainted at work Thurs so we went and picked her up. I told her she could come here but I was not picking him up and he could not stay with us. Luckily they had his mom slated to pick them up that morning so he had a ride back.
She asked for a hug and cried she didnt know what she was doing. She showed me the ultrasound and saw a heartbeat. So I have to accept that there is a baby coming.

Ultimately we as a family and her as someone who left home by running away just aren't suited to living together. She always wanted no accountability. She does not want to live with us. She had to stay with us for three weeks between sober houses a year ago and we almost killed each other so I know she does not want that. But she might change once she has a crying baby.
I can't tell someone to have an abortion. But if she asked me to help her get one I would and that makes me sound like a horrible person. She has no education and is about to ask amazon if they can give her something less physical to do but there are no guarantees- she literally has worked 4 days there. I took them to look at two apartments in town that first day they stayed here because their pipe dreams of this gofundme-funded townhouse with the mysterious roommate were not going to happen. I cant stand the boyfriend. Everytime they spoke on the phone they argued. He is insecure and they are codependent.

And what are we supposed to do? None of this is the baby's fault. The baby didnt choose this. If she has this baby we are not heartless and believe me, this guys' dysfunctional house is not where you want a grandchild living. There are like a million people living there she hates it but she knows we are not housing her boyfriend so she chooses this.
We would not allow our grandbaby to suffer. But how can we not enable her and protect the baby that she selfishly is choosing to have? She needs an actual address so she can apply for all the social services in my county. I have experience helping other women get medicaid welfare and such in my county but no where else. So if she wants my house she needs to prove she lives in my county. I will not allow her to use my address because its fraud and they will want to know how she affords it and then our income and my business is open for discussion and I do not need services. Our insurance will cover my kids and adopted kids but not grandchildren. So she will have prenatal care but once the baby is out their obligation is done.
She has managed to consume me again.

I am projecting scenarios left and right and go back and forth between acceptance and anger, sadness, depression, worry. The other day I got so angry when I was alone that I cried hysterically. Just angry crying, WTF? My mind is a hamster wheel. And you all know what a nazi sleep schedule I keep but I was up all Friday, friday night and went to bed at 930 last night and finally slept through the night with no nightmares.
I do not want to resent my daughter or grandchild but how can I possibly be happy for an actual deliberate choice to get pregnant. Sure, she says they didnt just one night decide to go for it, but it happened. She lost the first one ( which I also believe was on purpose) they never followed up or took any precaution which is the same to me as choosing. I mean the timeline....lose the baby, 10 weeks pregnant its literally right after. If you have unprotected sex its extremely likely you will get pregnant. A choice. And we have to guide her to... what? Not be with the guy, be with the guy, have the baby, live here,live somewhere else I am truly so upset and at a loss. March 23 it will be two years since she ran away and the entire fracture in our family began. I have had her up my butt. We talked. She knows he is not really meant for her. She knows he is ridiculous. I told her they cant count on her income because in 6 months she will be unable to work so he needs a second job. I felt like I was getting through to her. Last night because he got the car running she picked him up from the train station and took him to work. She was supposed to talk to amazon about herself and meet up with her old girlfriends for a sober party which I was 100% behind, she needs opinions that are not ours or his. She got there and was supposed to come back here, sleep and pick him up and go back to the moms and I wanted her to have the car so she has a way to leave if she chooses to. But now that the car is fixed its back to fairytail land. She still needs to get it reinspected.
But I woke up to a text this morning.. She had to go pick him up halfway through his shift because he got sick and went back to his mothers' place. Oh and when she had to stay home the day after she fainted did I mention that he called out also? He had money to get to work but no way to get from work and I told her he couldnt come to our house. So he didnt try anything else just called out. So he has missed 1.5 days of his week old job.
I want her to leave him but then what? I dont want her here. But I dont want a baby to suffer. I am so angry. And my mom is so upset with her and so worried that I am going to get dragged through the mud with her that when she talks to me shes really wound up. I havent filled her in on things because yesterday was so busy. I called the family therapist and she is going to get me in by wed. I need an objective person to give me opinions on how to deal with this and not get manipulated or enabled, how to handle the reactions of extended family. How to just be me. I am cracking up I swear. I have my surgeries done. I had to stop my first shot at an intro to teaching class a year ago when my son had a stroke. Then started paperwork for substitute teaching. Then surgeries. There is no telling if I can even do that now because its very involved. I am so overwhelmed and appreciate advice and comments (be kind at least) and any support or experiences you all can share.

Concerning my family's problems--my dad turns 80 this year and my mother-in-law has been in her 80s for a while. In our opinion, they just can't handle the stress of some of the things that have gone on with one of our children so we don't tell them anymore. When they ask, we tell them a limited amount. They love all their grandkids and worry about them. My dad and mother-in-law have done so much for their families that they deserve a break. Is your daughter in contact with your mother? If she isn't, I would shield her from as much of the drama as you can.

Also--do you have siblings? At this point in my life, I confide what is going on with my siblings rather than my dad. They have tried to help but we can't help our kids unless they start making better decisions. My siblings have encouraged me and helped me see that it was not my fault or responsibility but I understand how a baby brings a different dynamic. Babies are innocent and need protection. A very hard situation.

I am sorry.

I was just thinking as I was cooking lunch that though I understand all the anxiety you have expressed and I would feel many of the same things you are feeling if I was in your situation (I have a lot of anxiety)--maybe the child will be a blessing. Children bring a lot of love and positivity into our lives.

Is it ok if I pm you later?

I would suggest you go ahead with your plans with teaching. She keeps doing this type of behavior and could continue doing It indefinitely.You cant stop living your own life to clean up after her,over and over, grandchild or not. Worst case scenario, at some point, you take custody agreed upon with her and get lived in help. Or go cold turkey and let them tough it out.
They might do this again and again. You could report them to child services if it bothers you too much.
My son said to me this week regarding my ex acting oblivious about health care issues: stop enabling him. There must be some balance involved,but it really made me think. You know all those rules. What will allow you a life?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom Is it ok if I pm you later?

Absolutely

This is a complicated situation. Hopefully the therapist can help. Maybe you can get your daughter in to see her too. She’s not using good judgment to say the least.

It’s clear you love her very much and will most likely do all you can to help her. She’s only 19. It’s really hard to turn your back to give tough love at this still really young age, and she’s dealing with addiction problems.

Just to lighten it all up a little for you, me, and TunedOut, see meme attached:

I wish I could think of some sort of amazingly helpful thoughts. But all that comes to my mind is that if every baby born was born into an ideal situation, there wouldn't be very many people on earth. Your grandchild might actually motivate your daughter to be more emotionally mature. I have seen it happen to young women a number of times - I could hardly believe it, but there it was.

As for the father, well...I have seen slackers become terrific dads - and I have seen the opposite.

If you can, try to allow this pregnancy to be hers, be her responsibility. I know how very difficult that can be (I have a daughter, 34, and a son, 31 - neither plan on having children and I desperately want a grandchild, only their careers...oh, the irony...).

Do bear in mind that you will most likely fall in love with that baby when it is born. A new baby, in my experience, always brings new hope and wonderment.

They applied for an apartment around here. I knew they could not afford the 1400 rent. They actually had the audacity to mention a cosigner-um no. They applied for a cheaper one bedroom and were approved. This one is 975 a month. I think they might pull it off. I went into the goodwill yesterday and saw all sorts of things they could use for their apartment, and I told my daughter that all they needed right now was cooking things a bed and some folding chairs, Baby stuff is available on fb market-place. I hope I am not enabling but its my grandchild we are talking about. Monday she will be 12 weeks pregnant. I made her tell her grandparents and they were not happy. My MIL is catholic and thinks she should give the baby up. Hubby and I do not agree with that, just knowing we would have a grandchild out there would kill us and I think she would spiral out of control.

How's everything going? It's been a while since you've updated.

Just thought I'd update:
She is 16 weeks along now. I've practiced and seemed to have completely managed acceptance and most of the family has too. They are supposed to be putting a deposit down on an apartment nearby. She is dragging her feet with applying for social services. I told her our insurance does not cover grandchildren and that the baby will need medicaid. Plus they have one income- his and would qualify for a bunch of stuff. I live in NJ so maybe someone can suggest something for me. From what I have learned because she is under 21 and her address is still legally our home for her to apply they would take our income into consideration which would mean she wouldnt qualify for anything. Even if I say we do not financially support her (we mostly dont) because she is our daughter it either makes her ineligable because of our income or looks really fishy. She will be living in my county and I can help her navigate the process she is currently staying with the boyfriend's mother up north in another county. Someone told her that she could apply there and would need a letter from his mom that she is there temporarily the mom is never around and doesnt seem to be the easiest to communicate with or to get support from. She needs welfare, food stamps, medicaid and wic. She is supposed to be moving into an apartment so she wouldn't need section 8. What can be done? Does anyone know how to work the system (I do not mean fraud I mean navigate things on an emergency basis to quickly push through the process). I suppose these issues are more of a pm thing and I assume I would need someone who is familiar with NJ and how to do it to help. If any are willing please pm me.

I will be a grandma in May. I was so close with mine she wants the baby to call us mom-mom and pop-pop which we are totally happy about. She wants a girl but she knows that part is out of her hands. She is supposed to find out the gender on Jan 8.

As I have stated before I suggest you follow your own dream before taking over your daughters entire life. This is from me who also tends to be wildly codependent. You are being sucked deep into the vortex of trying to run an irresponsible person’s life.We have to stop. I have made some strides that way this week but need the strength not to backslide and to push ahead to get my own needs met. I know we can do it. At least put some limits ahead of time on how far you will go with this

Thanks for the update, sarahsweets. I have some knowledge of how the whole gov't aid thing works because I serve on my local HHSA board. Things vary from state to state, but a lot of the rules and so on are federal.

I know that when someone applies for aid everyone's income counts - unless the person applying rents a room (prepares food & eats separately, pays rent to someone - receipts required). If your daughter gives birth in a hospital (as opposed to a home birth) she and the baby will be hooked up with gov't assistance before she leaves the hospital.But she'll have to keep all appointments they line up for her to keep.

I do believe that she can go to the hospital now and apply for at least some aid. It will be a whole lot easier for her to apply now, rather than wait until after the baby is born!

Has she been to your closest Health and Human Services office? Aside from the hospital, HHSA would be the most logical place the start the ball rolling with regard to the aid she needs.

The thing is, getting aid would take so much stress off of her and everyone else involved.

***UPDATE***
She is about 4.5 months along. She goes back on the 8th to find out the gender. They signed their lease for an apartment last Friday and something terrible happened. The BF was hired seasonal for the Wayfair warehouse. He was told they would keep some of the seasonal people on after the holidays. He never missed a day or was late and took all the overtime- one point he worked 125 hours in pay period. The day they signed their lease last week, Becca they came back to the house and Becca got the utility bill set up in her name and she took him to work. She got a call an hour later and Wayfair had all the seasonal help come in, they assembled them in the training room and fired everyone immediately and sent them home. 30+ people had no idea they were losing their jobs a few days before christmas. They were told they would be there at least until the second day in Jan due to holiday returns. No one expected it.
To the boyfriends credit he had been talking to his managers all along and they were receptive to keeping him after the holidays. I guess upper management made the decision. It was a really sh**ty thing to do. Making all the people come in only to lay them off. He worked the day before and no one said a thing.
They just signed a lease and now he needs to scramble to find a job. She needs to find one too. They are moving into an apartment 5 minutes away from me.
He dropped out of HS (nineth or tenth grade) so his job prospects are limited. He says he wants to get his GED but honestly, he is not the brightest bulb so I do not see that as possible. She barely graduated HS so neither of them have any sort of skill training or advanced education so they will be at the mercy of minimum wage jobs.
I told her now that she lives in my county I can help her apply for social services but who knows how long that takes. The baby needs medicaid because our insurance only covers her, not my grand children.

Hubby and I are upset that she might not give the baby her last name. The BF can be on the birth certificate of course but I just dont see this as a forever thing and view having the baby with the same last name as her as protection for when things go south.
**sigh** merry christmas.
I will never shop at wayfair. I never have and now I never will.

@sarahsweets

I hate Wayfair. I don’t think they are an ethical company. I bought quality brand furniture from them a few years ago and it all came broken. My husband repaired it and asked me to please never buy from them again.

I don’t know how I missed all this. For almost three months now I’ve been having my own emotional breakdown so somehow I didn’t catch your post that started in October... the same time my own heartache started and I’ve been in a bit of a fog.

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. It sounds like things are getting a little bit better since it all began. I do believe things will change a bit when the baby comes. I think everyone will settle into more of a routine and I think the kids will get their priorities a little bit straight... at least for a little while. Hopefully your daughter will finally get her head straight and make some different choices. I believe she will at least make sure her baby is ok and I know you and your husband will also.

The baby is a blessing. The rest of it is a huge mess, I agree. But the baby is a blessing and I hope you are able to enjoy the baby; I know you will be happy to give lots of hugs and love.

I hope your daughter and her boyfriend start muddling through their mess on their own a bit more. I know you’re well aware that they will never learn if they don’t do some things for themselves and suffer some of their own consequences. It sounds like it’s a thin line for you to walk right now though because they are so young.

I’m sending you hugs and best wishes. Take it one day at a time and try to keep focusing on your own life and your own goals too. Your needs matter too.

Keep us posted. I hope the baby is doing really well. I hope you’re hanging in there.

Sarah, I just want to say that reading this whole thread, even when I can feel your anger at the situation and frustration with your daughter, I can feel your love for her and concern for her, and wanting the best for her, coming through. You are a good parent. I do think it's important for you to maintain boundaries. She has to learn to adult.

I'm so sorry for the BF's job. It seems like he was trying really hard to be successful there and got screwed.

It sucks. Losing jobs...Wouldn’t give a warning. I hope he finds something soon. Is there Costco by you? Aldis? Both pay reasonably well

I am sorry for all this. How stressful. Take care of yourself Sarah

Both my neighbors work for Costco. I heard they pay $20/hr. The guy drives a truck. With pay that good, it will be competitive. Never use a job board like indeed because of the massive competition. Go directly to the website of the employer. Make followup calls. The book, The Hidden Job Market (try finding a used on copy on amazon) explains this approach and it worked for me and more recently for my friends son who had almost no work record.

We don't have Wayfair or Aldi's here, but I've heard good things about Aldi's.

I don't think it would be good for her to get a job now. Maybe I'm old-fashioned. I am out of touch with how the gov't aid system works now, but they used to allow a mom to stay home with a baby for the first year or so.

You know a lot better than I do, but just to protect yourself...be cautious about assuming they won't stay together. I suppose I'm speaking only from my own experience, but I never thought my daughter would end up marrying then staying with the person (or whatever he is) she's with. But 7 years went by fast.


As for him - he should get a job ASAP.


So they're finding out the gender in 2 days? Let us know!