adult son is livid

My adult son is livid and has accused me of not respecting him, of being a ****** mother and unsupportive. He's a recovering alcoholic and I did bring wine to his house (for me). I have apologized for this. I bought the house and put his name on the title so he would avoid probate. I pay the mortgage. He's moved in, labeled it his home and for 7 months refused to let me stay there. I was there at Xmas. He accused me of ignoring him. ( he was working). He says I talk about him behind his back (I do tell people he wont let me stay in my house and laugh) disparagingly. I have promised I won't do this again. He wants me to go into counseling to face "hard truths" (?) and then I can talk to him. What should I do?

As an adult estranged from a parent who didn't raise me, I think I'd be lucky to have a parent like you. So you are paying his mortage and he won't let you stay in the house you pay for.

I assume you are too tenderhearted to pull the rug out from under him and stop paying his mortgage. It's tough when you care more for someone that they do for you. It seems you are in a position to be taken advantage of.

The way you put it, I feel as if you are being strong armed into counseling to face accusations of being a bad parent. I would fimd it hard to give in to such a demand. You are already supporting him and you don't have to do that especially because you are getting nothing back. I don't know what I would do in your place. But I do feel that upporting an adult son and giving into his demands will probably not help him take responsibility for his life.

I think you must have been a great parent and I hope you will prioritize your needs and make sure you have a meaningful life whether or notnhe talks to you. If the counselor is good, it might be productive so long as he has not prejudiced the counselor into believing you are bad. So sorry you have to deal with this.

Welcome to PC.

Who did you initially buy the house for? Him or you? If you bought it for you then why does he consider it is his house? I am sorry, I dont know you or your son. Sounds like he is being a bully using his rage to control you.

Do you want counselling? If you do tell him that you will go if he goes. Making some boundaries in these sessions and revealing what the truths is might be very hard but it may also help you both to move forward.

I wonder if the anger is really about a dependency on you...he clearly wants a place that is his own but you pay the mortgage. Why? He may really need to stand on his own, be apart from you for a time. The anger with his own dependency may be turned on you.
Don't know. I have adult children and I wouldn't be at their homes without an invite or if I happened to be in the area & let them know. They are in charge of their lives. I would suggest you talk to a counselor yourself.

Is he giving you the money for the mortgage and its in your name? Or are you paying for it all?

Hello and welcome to PC!

I think the therapist for both you and your son together sounds like a great idea. Not only will you face ‘hard truths’, so will he.

There are several issues here; he is an alcoholic, you are supporting him financially, he is blaming his problems on you and treating you as a scapegoat, you wanted to stay with him and he said no. It all sounds too involved in a toxic way between a mother and son. These are good things for a therapist to help work out.