Complicated Family Situation

My boyfriend has two boys, 5 & 7. Their mother a few years ago and he didn't have the means to take care of them at the time. His parents helped a lot but wanted money for doing it so he allowed them to adopt his children so they would receive all of the financial benefits. Since then he has gotten back on his feet and during that duration he would essentially babysit his kids regularly but that was really the extent of what his involvement was. We met after all of this and we've been living together for about a year now. His kids come over at least on Sundays and sometimes on a weeknight. His older son has Asperger's but we have no issues with him. His younger son unfortunately has some major issues that aren't being addressed. He is aggressive, obsessed with being the best at the expense of others, shows no real empathy, doesn't listen unless it benefits him, consistently disrespectful, etc. The list goes on and on. We have told my bf's parents for months that he should see a therapist but we are constantly dismissed and told it's just a phase or they don't see that behavior so it must just be something at our house. We have tried punishment, negative reinforcement, positive reinforcement, reward, logic, appealing to empathy, etc. I have read every article I can find on things we can try and nothing makes any difference. The other thing is that the boys mother did drugs and drank while pregnant with him so it's very likely that he was born with some issues. We know he has some of these problems at home but his parents refuse to admit it. We decided to contact a psychology office and see if they can give parenting advice. We were told that unless one of us was the legal guardian that they cannot code it as parenting advice and therefore we would have to pay out of pocket. Obviously we cannot afford $200 an hour. We aren't poor but we certainly aren't that well-off.

There's also a problem because his parents aren't meeting what we would consider to be basic needs for the boys. Their average meals in a day are typically a granola bar for breakfast, a granola bar for lunch, and a frozen pizza for dinner. They don't push healthy eating habits on them because they said they tried but it didn't work so they just don't even really try anymore. They've even told me that they ate cookies for breakfast one day. On top of that they keep the water turned off to the bathroom the majority of the time because of a leak they haven't fixed in years. So typically the toilet is filled with feces and urine throughout the day. Also, they don't have a proper kitchen because they started remodeling it a few years ago and then stopped. Now they use a toaster oven in the basement. My bf's mother doesn't work due to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome so she doesn't keep up with the cleaning and because she doesn't work, my bf's dad has to work all the time. Therefore my bf's mom is the primary caretaker for the boys. When we addressed even just the food situation with her and how the youngest wouldn't eat anything we make she told us and him that he should just be able to ask us for what he wants and we should make it for him. We have zero support from his parents on anything we try to do. When it comes down to it I feel like we are just free babysitters. We are having no impact on the youngest and he doesn't even like coming over unless he can get his way the whole time. So now my bf is at the point that his youngest will no longer be allowed to come over until his parents get him into therapy. We feel like we've been pushed into a corner. Later today my bf will be calling his dad to tell him. We're fully expecting them to say that he can't see the boys at all then as a punishment to us for pushing back.

Please help. I feel like I'm going insane. I come from a very different family where there is more open communication and traditional family values when it comes to raising children. I tried putting this on a different site and unfortunately I realized that no one has been active in a year so I'm hoping that I have better luck here.

Hey @Ailuros: Wow a lot of stress.

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Originally Posted by Ailuros My boyfriend has two boys, 5 & 7. Their mother Possible trigger: died of a drug overdose a few years ago and he didn't have the means to take care of them at the time. His parents helped a lot but wanted money for doing it so he allowed them to adopt his children so they would receive all of the financial benefits. Since then he has gotten back on his feet and during that duration he would essentially babysit his kids regularly but that was really the extent of what his involvement was. We met after all of this and we've been living together for about a year now. His kids come over at least on Sundays and sometimes on a weeknight.

He needs to see a family law lawyer ASAP. In cases of grandparent adoption unless the parents sign away their rights forever most judges can see that the parent has gotten back on their feet and deserve to have a say over their care. Not to mention they are being neglectful and they are.Do the kids receive money from the state due to their mother's death? Do they have a case worker or social worker? Do his parents have to meet certain guidelines? I am not an advocate of just up and calling cps on people but it could come down to that. Does your BF want full custody of the boys and is he ready for that responsibility?

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His older son has Asperger's but we have no issues with him. His younger son unfortunately has some major issues that aren't being addressed. He is aggressive, obsessed with being the best at the expense of others, shows no real empathy, doesn't listen unless it benefits him, consistently disrespectful, Possible trigger: told us that he's a "cat killer" while standing in front of my cat, takes pleasure in others pain, etc. The list goes on and on. We have told my bf's parents for months that he should see a therapist but we are constantly dismissed and told it's just a phase or they don't see that behavior so it must just be something at our house.

I view their refusal as being neglectful. It doesnt matter if the behavior does not occur with them. If someone comes to you and tells you your child acts a certain way in different homes you go out and get that child evaluated, if nothing else than to be sure they are ok. if they did that and were assured nothing was going on it would be a different story? Do they have help or case workers in school?

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We have tried punishment, negative reinforcement, positive reinforcement, reward, logic, appealing to empathy, etc. I have read every article I can find on things we can try and nothing makes any difference. The other thing is that the boys mother did drugs and drank while pregnant with him so it's very likely that he was born with some issues. We know he has some of these problems at home but his parents refuse to admit it. We decided to contact a psychology office and see if they can give parenting advice. We were told that unless one of us was the legal guardian that they cannot code it as parenting advice and therefore we would have to pay out of pocket. Obviously we cannot afford $200 an hour. We aren't poor but we certainly aren't that well-off.

That seems very dismissive. I personally would get in touch with a lawyer and the school.

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There's also a problem because his parents aren't meeting what we would consider to be basic needs for the boys. Their average meals in a day are typically a granola bar for breakfast, a granola bar for lunch, and a frozen pizza for dinner. They don't push healthy eating habits on them because they said they tried but it didn't work so they just don't even really try anymore. They've even told me that they ate cookies for breakfast one day. On top of that they keep the water turned off to the bathroom the majority of the time because of a leak they haven't fixed in years. So typically the toilet is filled with feces and urine throughout the day. Also, they don't have a proper kitchen because they started remodeling it a few years ago and then stopped. Now they use a toaster oven in the basement. My bf's mother doesn't work due to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome so she doesn't keep up with the cleaning and because she doesn't work, my bf's dad has to work all the time. Therefore my bf's mom is the primary caretaker for the boys. When we addressed even just the food situation with her and how the youngest wouldn't eat anything we make she told us and him that he should just be able to ask us for what he wants and we should make it for him. We have zero support from his parents on anything we try to do. When it comes down to it I feel like we are just free babysitters. We are having no impact on the youngest and he doesn't even like coming over unless he can get his way the whole time. So now my bf is at the point that his youngest will no longer be allowed to come over until his parents get him into therapy. We feel like we've been pushed into a corner. Later today my bf will be calling his dad to tell him. We're fully expecting them to say that he can't see the boys at all then as a punishment to us for pushing back.

Ok now I feel that social services should be involved. Those are terrible living conditions and they are not allowed with withhold visitation because they do not like what your bf thinks or wants in regards to their son.
I know lawyers cost money. What state are you in or county (if you are comfortable sharing)

We're in Pennsylvania. My boyfriend wants the kids back. Our home is clean (I own it), has plenty of space, we both have good jobs...basically it makes no sense for them to be with the grandparents anymore and definitely even less sense given the home environment. But my bf was told that at the time of the adoption that it was permanent. And yes, they receive a lot of money from the government for the boys. Around a couple thousand a month in cash between the mothers death benefit and the adoption of brothers. Then they also get food stamps. We have no idea where the money is going other than that my bf noticed they paid off their new cars very quickly. I personally feel like the whole thing is a scam. We know if we got CYS involved that it's likely the boys would be taken away but then given to the mothers family who live a few hours away so we are very scared to go that route because we may never get to see them again. One potential positive thing is that his father agreed last night to take the youngest to a counselor and assured my bf that he would follow through and insisted the house repairs would be done by June (he's made these claims before, many times though). Also, he said for now the youngest will not be coming over to our home but the older son can. But we both know that even if they do follow through and take him to a counselor that they will never admit to their living situation or how they feed them, etc because they know it's not right and they don't want to admit they may be doing something wrong. I told my bf that we should be able to speak to the counselor too because it's our house where the bulk of the problems occur. He said that he'll follow up with his father on that when they get an appointment established. I doubt they'd ever let us speak to anyone because then they'd be caught because we'd tell the truth. I guess for now it's just more waiting on them. I wish the boys could just come live with us. I think we may need to speak to a lawyer like you had mentioned.