Life-experiences stolen

This is so strange I hope someone can help me make sense of it. My eldest child lost it in late teens, became violent and abusive, etc and after a few years, well into adulthood, I had to ask them to leave. Before the mid-teens, we had a very good and close relationship. But after they left, they started talking to people who didn't know me well, and telling my life story as theirs. I grew up very poor, neglected, abused, etc. And they grew up w Disneyland, everything they needed, and a lot they wanted, lots of love and support, etc. But they tell everyone they grew up dirt poor, barefoot, neglected, abused, etc.
Upsets me that they tell everyone I'm a bad parent, but weirds me out that they are basically stealing my childhood and telling people it was theirs. I assume for sympathy and attention but still. It's weird.

Hi Toughcooki. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry your son does not appreciate all you did for them and has turned violent and abusive. No one should have to endure that from another person.

It is a little strange that they co-opted your childhood story for theirs. Are they open to getting professional help? And often the caregiver is the one that ends up seeking professional help to reconcile themselves to what they went through.

I found it hard to be grateful for what my parents gave me because sometimes there were conditions attached to what they gave or I felt there were. Like if I did not do what they wanted and expected, then they could easily turn off the giving fountain, and they told me that, and life could be tougher.

The other thing that was hard, was my parents wanted me to dedicate my life to earning those things that they "slaved" for, but they made it sound like they had to do this for their kids, but in many ways I think they did it because they had a childhood that was very rough by today's standards.

Having seen both sides of being lavished with what I need and struggling on my own, I have come to the opinion that neither way leads to lasting happiness by itself unless what leads to those is following my own heart, my own path. I think my family continually telling me how bad they had it as kids, made me a little jealous. I wanted to have a story that was so compelling.

But now after I look back from a much older perspective, I see that I was blessed to have a life with what I needed. But I would not try to get a young person to admit that. Breaking away from parents is something every teen does in different ways. It is hard work. Maybe taking on the opposite story of what life was like helps them in some small way to break away from parents.

They or your eldest? Or maybe you're keeping it gender neutral.

Could they be abusing drugs?

Thank you for answering -My eldest child (EC) has always had issues with jealousy. No, EC has no interest in any sort of help. I asked once if they would be willing to go to counseling with me so we could try to sort out what was going on and was told no absolutely not. I started going to therapy not much later than that, as I was an absolute mess, lol. Still am, really.
It's so dang hard to be a parent. I always thought I was doing pretty good, because I didn't do any of the horrid things my parents did, I told my kids I love them every day, and showed I loved them all the time by giving them my attention when they had something important to say, and prioritizing what they thought was really important as well as what I thought was really important, and - well, I thought I was doing pretty good. Anyway - it seems like when your kid hits adulthood, and you look back, you see everything you did wrong. Oh gosh, I indulged too much! I paid too much attention! did this, did that, whatever. I remind myself that we all do what we can do, and no one's perfect, and I genuinely tried my hardest to be a good mom, and I think that's just going to have to be good enough.

Youngest child is now getting around the age EC was when all the drama started. I am apprehensive over every grumpy look, but I have had us in family counseling ever since EC left, when I realized that what had been going on was actually abuse, (I feel like an idiot for not understanding this but I feel like my head was in a fog for years, in denial that my sweet little baby was now this awful creature constantly yelling and hurting and glaring and stomping and terrorizing and lying and manipulating and so on) and our counselor is excellent so I think that even if youngest has any issues, our counselor will winkle them out and keep us on a positive path.

My eldest, I was keeping it gender neutral. I've had ppl track me down on message boards before and am possibly a little paranoid.

My eldest, I was keeping it gender neutral. I've had ppl track me down on message boards before and am possibly a little paranoid.

Possible now, not when they were at home. I hear they are drinking a lot, though.

Drugs and alcohol can definitely alter a person's personality and behaviour. Unfortunately, all you can do now is be available and set firm boundaries.

It's great your younger child is in therapy, along with yourself.

We can't change the past. There will ALWAYS be "better" ways to do things. We can't beat ourselves up because it's not going to help or change anything.

Your eldest is on a path of their own and will learn the hard way, unfortunately. They'll have to hit rock bottom before they'll realize the significance of your role in their life. Hopefully, they'll come to that realization, sooner than later, and without too much permanent damage in between.

If you ever do find out, keep an open mind, accept any responsibilities (if any) and try to rebuild. That's all you can do, really.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Parenting is the hardest job on the planet.

I was being used as her stress release/whipping boy, and subject to constant threats and gaslighting and manipulation etc so I had to cut off all contact. My youngest is afraid of their own older sibling... It's a rough situation. Hoping someday this settles down, but for now I have to just set it aside.

It sounds more like mental health issues with your daughter than with anything you did as a parent.

Yes, there are definite mental health issues, but they blame it all on me. It's so easy to say, "I'm this way because you were a bad parent" - before I told eldest child they had to leave, they used to say, "I'd be fine if I didn't have to be around YOU all the time" - part of me hoped it was true, when they left, because then they'd be fine and I wouldn't have to feel so guilty all the time for existing.

Did you really do anything you think makes you a bad parent?

I have a semi-estranged son who is 25. We never had a single conflict and had much love until he went to college. Now there’s been a rift since he married his college gf and our family has been so pushed away we didn’t attend their wedding.

We were told we were bad parents during this rift as though to justify their horrendous treatment. The few examples given were not bad parenting examples at all. It was good parenting. That is all he had to even say as cannon fodder, that’s how good we were!

In addition to whatever happened within your family, and the parental alienation that has probably occurred, I feel (and this is what I think is the culprit in my son’s case) there is an individuation, estrangement, anti-parental/tradition movement going on with the youth.

Do you think your daughter is going through some of this too?

I did lots of things. I moved every year from the child's birth until adulthood. Didn't figure out that I have PTSD & get help, so I know my behavior was erratic at times. I had a new boyfriend every 30 minutes, trying to feel 'loved'. I made my child the center of my life. Although I did discipline (time-outs, being grounded, loss of privileges, etc, I never used physical punishment) I don't think I made it clear that no one has the universe revolving around them. Also - and worst - as things broke down, and got worse, I was so lost and confused by everything that was happening, I didn't ask for help which probably contributed to the rapid down-hill deteriorating of not only our relationship but their mental health.

We had a great relationship for almost 20 years and then all of a sudden everything broke down & I couldn't handle it.

I hope she has a change of heart, gets her life together, and your relationship improves.