Can't stand my son

Is it wrong to hate your child(ren)?

I have 3 - 1 16 yr. old girl, 1 13 yr. old boy, and 1 6 yr. old boy.

The 16 yo and 6 yo are, for the most part, easy to handle.

The middle one is seriously the sharpest, most nettlesome thorn in my side. Every thing about him annoys me to tears. I understand he's going through struggles, but he is so painful to have in my life.

What amazes me is that, of the 3, he was the only one to get into a "gifted school." This was based on an IQ test; even though they're very "normal," the other two didn't make the mark. He's apparently really smart, but I have yet to see it. Every day he continues to befuddle me with his immaturity and stupidity. The 6 year old is more independent, as he gets up every morning on his own, gets dressed, and started on his classwork.

The 13 yr old, on the other hand...

1. Has to have 3 people get him out of bed every morning. Every day he either misses class, or is totally late.

2. I'm astonished that he hasn't been kicked out of the school. Every day a teacher emails us telling him that he hasn't submitted an assignment. He'll always tell us "yep, I handed it in." Then we find out he hasn't even started it.

3. Has no impulse control: he shovels food into his mouth at dinner. Then, at night he'll say he's going downstairs to "get water." We'll hear rustling for about 10 minutes, and then find out that he's scarfed down an entire row of Oreo cookies.

4. He is a bully, and treats everyone horribly. He continually tells his younger brother to "shut up," and screams incessantly at a tutor we brought in to help him with executive functioning.

I feel horrible about the way I feel toward him. I know as a parent we're supposed to love all of our children equally. I'm trying to temper my feelings of disappointment by noting that he's not intentionally defying direction from his teachers; he's definitely making an effort, but he's clearly not capable. I'm really worried about when he gets to high school. He won't have as much handholding / individualized attention as he does know.

But I'm only human. I used to get annoyed and blow my stack about every breath he took, and every move he made. At this point I've just resigned myself to the reality that he's a defective product. I can't help him. I just have to live with how unbearable he is.

I'm sure most of you probably think I'm a bad person for saying all this. But hopefully some of you can relate to what I'm describing. If you have any advice on how to deal with this catastrophe of an offspring please let me know.

Dear dsmith,

That sounds like such a stressful, distressing and heartbreaking situation. I wish I knew what to say that would be helpful but sadly I am at a loss. My heart goes out to you and your whole family!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Please, please get your son into therapy. (And some family therapy would be a great idea, too.)

I wonder if he might have a condition like ADHD.

Hi Beth,

Thanks for the suggestion. He has been in therapy for 3 years now, and we as a family have therapy sessions once a week.

As I said, I feel horrible about the way I feel. Maybe it's a temporary bump in the road and we will recover.

I pray for direction through this rough patch, and appreciate the opportunity to vent here. This community means a great deal to me and my mental health.

Yes, he was diagnosed with ADHD. He also displays signs of Autism, though he hasn't received an official diagnosis. I have ADHD as well, so obviously there's a genetic component. I think my frustration with him stems from frustration with my self and my inability to manage the challenges.

I’m so sorry, dsmith. It sounds like you’re trying your best in a very taxing situation. It does feel like a taboo to say you hate a child (or children) but sometimes you just have to be honest about these things and hope someone can offer a solution. I don’t think I can do that, aside from suggest getting an autism diagnosis if you can, as it could help with finding strategies to deal with his behaviour.

My son still has challenges at 18. However he's become more agreeable with age. Try getting an echo dot at volume 10 for an alarm. We had to look at his emails and help him craft non-offensive ones to his teachers. He doesn't mean to be offensive to teachers but can't put himself in their shoes often. So "Text me when there's something interesting" is a proper response to a boring assignment in his mind. Or "Your teaching this wrong because of X,Y,Z." are emails we've softened this year. He's advanced in work but not emotionally. We homeschooled our son because traditional school would not have worked for him.

I'm sorry to be so negative, but this is the only place I feel I can vent.

This weekend just seemed to accelerate, in terms of difficulty.

He keeps making a mess all over the place, holing up in his room, eating chocolate in our bed and contaminating the sheets. We had mice and flies all over the place.

He has to be prodded to do his weekly chores:
- Cleaning the "potty area" where our beloved little dog "does his business," and never does it properly.
- Taking out the trash. And when he actually does it, he puts in the wrong part of the driveway. The waste disposal company never picks it up because it's in the wrong place.

My wife had surgery this past weekend and needed some peace and quiet as she recovered. She was watching a show that she liked. He never hangs out with the family, unless it's to eat. He hurtled in like a disgusting Tasmanian devil, demanded breakfast, and then commanded her to turn off the TV because it was annoying him.

I know my wife recognizes the problem, but she's trying to minimize her stress; her blood pressure was very elevated and she has high blood pressure. So whenever I voice my frustration with our idiot son, she starts hyperventilating and tells me she can't handle the stress. Which compounds my frustration because it feels like we're sweeping things under the rug until they finally explode.

I don't want to stress my wife further, and I know she cares deeply for him. She's been his staunchest advocate ever since he was born, and looks out for him because she knows the struggles he's been through. I also symphathize. He is my son, and obviously I have to support him. However, it's the most trying, frustrating thing when you keep telling someone to do something and they can't seem to get it through their thick, lice-infested head.

We are going to try biofeedback with a local neurologist - What Is Biofeedback and How Does It Work?. Has anyone tried this? It seems like one of many high-priced, useless techniques, but at this point I need to do something before I totally lose it. I don't want history to repeat itself: I was a very difficult child - more in terms of rebellion than total incompetence - and my mom constantly flipped out at me. It scarred me for life, and that's the last thing I want for him. I mean he's my son, so I guess I'm supposed to love him right?

I’m not a professional but I would look for a neurologist that specializes in autism. Please note My tone here is one of compassion, and I’m just tossing out ideas that could possibly help. Forgive me if what I’m saying is obvious and you’ve already tried these things
Small possibility his behavior could be aggravated by a food allergy ( not caused by)
I would contact your local chapter of Autism Awareness or Autism Speaks. There are people that can come in your home and help you
Honestly don’t feel ashamed. There are professionals with years and years of schooling that need support from colleagues to determine the right action plan for an adolescent. Every child is so different. it often takes a village and not just one neurologist.
In the meantime while you are waiting for a callback or getting ready for an appointment. Think about maybe a small diffuser of a scent he finds calming. See if you can get him to use up some of his energy
Run with your kids in the back yard or chase them.
Give him a task , does he like taking things apart or putting things together?
Put reminder signs with rules and enforce them. As much as you can. Get rid of sugary snacks or lock them up and use a small one to reinforce good behavior. Some children really want boundaries, it helps them feel safe.
As a parent you are exhausted, but following through is important. Reminders of Family rules would be helpful . Everyone needs to be in the same page. I have helped a family in crisis before, but as soon as I left my suggestions were ignored. Nothing changed and the house became even more chaotic and the behavior became more oppositional. As a family unit, maybe have your other children take pride in helping and engaging their brother.
Please let me know how it goes.