I Don't Know How to Deal with Adult Daughter

My 24 year old, very bright and beautiful daughter, has been a challenge to me since she was in middle school. She went through a bullying problem, ended up leaving school and eventually getting her GED. She had always expressed an interest in attending cosmotology school, which seemed like a great choice for her. She began school and right away we began to see a repeat of previous school issues - saying she didn't have friends, other girls were not nice to her - missing classes - ended up taking "breaks" and eventually left. Of course, at a price that we paid. She's dabbled at working in retail, which has no future in terms of making a career. She met a guy and decided to go to college. Great. Got a grant and did one semester. Taking a "break." Covid is making it impossible to do school well because it's remote (millions of other students seem to be doing it). Married guy she was dating, who is about to start a medical residency. Now marriage is not working out for her. She has struggled with eating disorder issues, as well as depression and anxiety. She recently told me she has relapsed with her eating disorder and had found a resource in her city to help. I encouraged her to talk to them but she hasn't. This is the pattern. She went through every cent we saved for her education, which should have been more than enough. Nothing ever is right for her. And I'm supposed to fix it. I have other problems, including a spouse with terminal medical issues and other children with their own problems .Once again, my phone is blowing up with "fix it." I am out of money for her, out of patience and at the end of my rope. I see no hope in sight. What are the correct boundaries? If she is suffering mentally, I don't want her to suffer alone, I want to be there for my child, but she's making my life intolerable and never seems to want to or be able to help herself.

She may be suffering trauma because of bullying.Her outward behaviour may be because of underlying trauma.I know a person who had academic difficulties, but was able to complete his 4 year undergrad from a good university. HE dropped out a couple of times,but finally graduated.Then took a nice paying job.He quit after a couple of months. Then spiraled down wards.Parents gave him rent money,payed for his car,insurance, food for some time thinking that he eventually will bounce back.That never happened.he is in midthirteis now.Just sits and eats and drinks.after so many years one day the parents told him they can not afford to pay anymore.That night they found him unconscious. HE tried s....de.They admitted him to psyche ward.He came back from hospital.And now bullies the parents into giving him money.They do have another son who is healthy ,but he denied help and lives in another state.
Sorry if I triggered you in some way.Just wanted to share this.She needs to heal from the aftermath of bullying and figure out a way to stand on her own feet. I know you love your daughter and will support her unconditionally. But providing too much to an adult kid may demotivate them from finding their own solution.That is what happened with the family I know.That person became lazy for life and feels entitled and threatens parents if he doesn't get what he wants.

Believe me, we have spent years (she's 24) trying to help her deal with the aftermath of bullying. She has been in therapy. She has been treated for depression. And I understand it may be something she copes with forever, but at what point is this being used as a reason to just quit everything? At some point, you must decide you're going to find coping skills and go forward with life. I'm always at a loss as to what my role can be at this stage of her life? I can't bail her out of every situation she creates. I can't financially support her every time she needs money. She'll never figure out how to do it on her own, but I feel SO guilty when I'm not just THERE to try to fix it.

I am so sorry for how you are in so much distress.I hope I didn't sound rude in my reply.I know you were doing all you can to help her.I am not in medical field. But I think she feels so helpless that she is unable to help herself. If you don't mind sharing.Was she bullied out of envy.You mentioned she is bright and beautiful.Unfortunately certain positive traits in kids become foculpoints for other kids to bully out of envy.It can be relentless and damaging for life.

Is she continuing therapy??

It was mean girl middle-school stuff. Yes, probably partly out of envy. She has been in therapy off and on, but isn't currently. I've offered to pay for therapy for her, but she never follows up on it. She'll go for a while and feel like it's helping then just quits.

I have so much respect for you.You are trying hard to help your daughter.I only remember abuse from my mother growing up.Your daughter is lucky to have you.I hope things will get better for you and your family.Hugs

I would try to get her in an iop program. It gives more support and it's usually a 13 week program.