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Old 09-20-2021, 03:22 AM   #1
Kelly68
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Confused Scared

Last night my soon to be 21 yr old son told me he wants to be a father and thinks his gf might be pregnant. That she's baby crazy and looks at pictures of babies all the time and they've been 'trying'
This is scary because my son has problems with weed, alcohol, has pushed me, verbally assaulted me, and blames me and his dad for his own issues.

I've been helping him with food, shelter, getting him out of his own troubles financially as much as I can. I agreed today with him, that obivously his childhood has affected him. My marriage became very toxic when he was around 10 yrs old and he witnessed abuse. I can't change the past. I tell him advice, for a psychiatrist, had to try many times just to get him to the family doctor and I advocate for him to get a psychiatrist. It's either the weed that is causing issues, or there were issues already the made weed and alcohol and escape for him.

He lost his place to live where I rent a room, because he stole beer from another renter in this house. Change went missing. It's not a new behaviour,
he'd steal from me when he was younger. I had him in counseling back then, had support workers that tried to help. It didn't make a difference.
I've left him for days to try to get him to realize (not a seriously long time, to be kicked out of where I had a place with him last summer) to have him call continuosly driving me batty because I love him, I put up with verbal abuse and more. I'm not innocent. I've lost it on him, not totally, but was verbally offending him back. His words he calls me are so disrespectful I won't repeat them.

Just today after I did his hair, I gave him money to walk to the store for bread and cold meats. I told him he must bring the reciept and change. I thought he would. He said he "lost it' and I know he's again lying, likely trying to scrape enough money to get a little weed.

I feel sorry for him, but I want to know how I can help him. I'm suggesting gently to him, because he gets so aggravated at advice, to get counseling or therapy for addictions. He won't hear of it.

One smart thing came out of his mouth today. Having a child means he has to change his behaviour. He called it his "motivation" to change, but later said "just because I'm going to be a dad doesn't mean I have to stop smoking pot"

I've convinced my gracious landlord to let him back in at the end of the month, since he has no money for rent, he has to wait til the beginning of the next month. He treated his room like crap, trash everywhere, and stole food and beer from the other roomate like i said.

There are shelters, but he won't go. I think I have to do that though, force him.
Knowing he still will be dishonest with me and take my change acting with a straight lying face to me that he lost it, I fear he'll just end up being someone I have to watch every minute that he doesn't steal here again.

He's so immature, he's not able to be a dad. He relies on me, his mother, to figure out his life. I just pray that if this happens, he does change, but how can I convince him he needs therapy, how do I get him to realize lying and stealing will make things so bad for him.?

He was never offically diagnosed with anything, but I worry, I know he has depression, he could be bipolar. Mental illness runs in my family.

Any advice how I approach him with this? Nothing I say seems to change anything.
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Old 09-20-2021, 03:12 PM   #2
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Guess leaving this on edit to delete this didn't work. I'll just do my best to support him whatever happens
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Old 09-20-2021, 03:21 PM   #3
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Unfortunately, because you keep taking him back in and he's figured out how to lie and steal from you without much consequence, he's unlikely to change his behavior. It's oddly working out okay for him.

It's hard to set boundaries with our kids, particularly when we feel badly for them and worry about their mental health, but sometimes you have to say "no" and let them find their own way. And yes, that may mean he could end up in dire straights, but until he has to fend for himself and face the consequences of his behaviors, he may not at all be willing to seek the help he needs because, again, you basically keep bailing him out.

Give him a firm timeline. Full-time job by X date AND contribute to rent and bills and food. If he can't follow through, then he has to leave and find his own place to live and finance his own life. He's 21 and it is time. If he is unwilling to do that, he needs to go out on his own. It will be perhaps a harsh wake-up call, but right now you are enabling this immaturity by funding it.

We had to be pretty firm with our middle child (but fortunately no drug or stealing issues). Get a job and start paying rent. He knew we meant it, and he had a job within a few weeks. He continued to pay rent, clean, and help with groceries until he eventually moved into a house with his partner. We were fine with him being with us so long as he was a contributing member of the family.

I've known several people who simply had to cut off their adult kids because of drugs, theft, abuse, etc. Those adult kids went through some hard adjustments, but most of them figured it out when they had to. Right now your son doesn't have to because he knows you are still fixing things for him.
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Old 09-20-2021, 06:38 PM   #4
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Default Re: Scared

I got help because of my child. Getting help was scary. We all did it together (my husband and I) the first try's were spectacular disaster's. If it came from my parent I would have been against it. I had my child at 18 he was planned like your son is trying. We had a stable house to live in and we quickly lost that as my health declined. We struggled and moved for years but we never let our family know. Now we're actually stable housing wise and have been for awhile.

All this to say don't keep bailing your son out. Give him a list of resources and numbers and tell him you can no longer help him with bills Unless he's full time school (votech or college).
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Old 09-24-2021, 11:48 PM   #5
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I do get this same advice from people I know. That he has to learn the hard way. I swore I wouldn't feed him and I am. But it is harsh, he's sleeping in a cold damp car *(where I live the temperature is getting too cold for this).... but it is his fault and he knows it. He won't be allowed back in here by my landlord. Yes I supported him a lot. But, I feel guilty. A lot of parents have their own homes and have a place where their children can live. I used to have an apartment, but he also abused the priviledge of having a room, being fed and clothed, he had a good paying job. I had asked him to start contributing to the rent. I had advice from someone that it is wrong to expect a teenager to pay rent. I actually disagree. It shows responsibility on his part. I'm tried of this.

Just today again, he keeps asking for food, and I'm the one paying for stuff... making it, bringing it out to my car that he's treating like crap. I love my son. The problem is it's hard to find housing, and the weather is turning cold. I've explained to him that a shelter might just have to happen. There aren't many around and they may even have a waiting list. If he wont go, I can't leave him on the street in winter. That's where I struggle, but I'm out of answers. I suggested he get himself addiction counseling and financial counseling, he just says I might need help but I can help myself. He's immature..... I appreciate the advice. I just don't want to see him suffering. He has no family but me to support him. I hope he gets counseling or a psychiatrist but I've asked what's happening with that, the answer is, it takes time especially with covid.
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Old 09-25-2021, 01:29 AM   #6
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Hey @Kelly68. Iím going to bring you a little Toughlove here and please do not think I donít understand where youíre at. my 20-year-old daughter got pregnant on purpose with a POS a boyfriend and the two of them are playing house right now. I love my grandson but they literally donít have a pot to piss in and are constantly without money.
However she does not live with me and I donít want her to. your son is 21 years old and responsible for his own mental health, physical health, and relationships. He also needs a job and pay for his own place to live. So what if he hast to go to a shelter? If the landlord kicked him out then he has nowhere to go and the landlord could easily call the police. you donít need to give him money. you donít need to pay a lifetime for some mistakes years ago. I had a crappy childhood and Iím a great mom and awesome wife and Iíve been married for 26 years. I have three children two of them are doing great, the daughter with the baby not so much. She also has mental health issues like bipolar and possibly BPD.

He has stolen from you and others. That is a crime. Iím not trying to be a jerk but it is. Iím not trying to rationalize weed, but I am a medical marijuana patient and I promise you we does not cause the issues that your son is experiencing. Alcohol on the other hand can contribute in the ways you are explaining.
You say you want to know how you can help him? I think you need to let him make his own mistakes and fail. Think about it: how many lessons have you learned that did not involve mistakes or pain? When something is hard or painful you donít forget it. And very often you do not make that same mistake again if itís painful enough. The greatest lessons Iíve ever learned have been through pain, tears, and mistakes. I can look back now and see the grand picture but at the time it felt ruthless. You donít need to feel sorry for him. He is making very bad choices and it doesnít matter if he had a bad childhood or a mental illness. He is still responsible for his own actions. Toughlove sucks. I could go on and on with a story about my daughter running away, but the fact is being tough on her children is more like a punishment for us than it is for them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kelly68 View Post
Last night my soon to be 21 yr old son told me he wants to be a father and thinks his gf might be pregnant. That she's baby crazy and looks at pictures of babies all the time and they've been 'trying'
This is scary because my son has problems with weed, alcohol, has pushed me, verbally assaulted me, and blames me and his dad for his own issues.

I've been helping him with food, shelter, getting him out of his own troubles financially as much as I can. I agreed today with him, that obivously his childhood has affected him. My marriage became very toxic when he was around 10 yrs old and he witnessed abuse. I can't change the past. I tell him advice, for a psychiatrist, had to try many times just to get him to the family doctor and I advocate for him to get a psychiatrist. It's either the weed that is causing issues, or there were issues already the made weed and alcohol and escape for him.

He lost his place to live where I rent a room, because he stole beer from another renter in this house. Change went missing. It's not a new behaviour,
he'd steal from me when he was younger. I had him in counseling back then, had support workers that tried to help. It didn't make a difference.
I've left him for days to try to get him to realize (not a seriously long time, to be kicked out of where I had a place with him last summer) to have him call continuosly driving me batty because I love him, I put up with verbal abuse and more. I'm not innocent. I've lost it on him, not totally, but was verbally offending him back. His words he calls me are so disrespectful I won't repeat them.

Just today after I did his hair, I gave him money to walk to the store for bread and cold meats. I told him he must bring the reciept and change. I thought he would. He said he "lost it' and I know he's again lying, likely trying to scrape enough money to get a little weed.

I feel sorry for him, but I want to know how I can help him. I'm suggesting gently to him, because he gets so aggravated at advice, to get counseling or therapy for addictions. He won't hear of it.

One smart thing came out of his mouth today. Having a child means he has to change his behaviour. He called it his "motivation" to change, but later said "just because I'm going to be a dad doesn't mean I have to stop smoking pot"

I've convinced my gracious landlord to let him back in at the end of the month, since he has no money for rent, he has to wait til the beginning of the next month. He treated his room like crap, trash everywhere, and stole food and beer from the other roomate like i said.

There are shelters, but he won't go. I think I have to do that though, force him.
Knowing he still will be dishonest with me and take my change acting with a straight lying face to me that he lost it, I fear he'll just end up being someone I have to watch every minute that he doesn't steal here again.

He's so immature, he's not able to be a dad. He relies on me, his mother, to figure out his life. I just pray that if this happens, he does change, but how can I convince him he needs therapy, how do I get him to realize lying and stealing will make things so bad for him.?

He was never offically diagnosed with anything, but I worry, I know he has depression, he could be bipolar. Mental illness runs in my family.

Any advice how I approach him with this? Nothing I say seems to change anything.
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Old 09-25-2021, 01:37 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kelly68 View Post
I do get this same advice from people I know. That he has to learn the hard way. I swore I wouldn't feed him and I am. But it is harsh, he's sleeping in a cold damp car *(where I live the temperature is getting too cold for this).... but it is his fault and he knows it.
do you live in the usa? Are you comfortable sharing a state? I have an uncanny ability for finding resources everywhere.

Quote:
He won't be allowed back in here by my landlord. Yes I supported him a lot. But, I feel guilty. A lot of parents have their own homes and have a place where their children can live. I used to have an apartment, but he also abused the priviledge of having a room, being fed and clothed, he had a good paying job. I had asked him to start contributing to the rent. I had advice from someone that it is wrong to expect a teenager to pay rent. I actually disagree. It shows responsibility on his part. I'm tried of this.
STOP feeling guilty for not having what you think is supposed to make you a good mother. You are a good one. Your son is not acting like a loving appreciative son.
Would you allow anyone else in your life to act like him and just accept that behavior and keep supporting that person? Most of us would show a person the door.
Quote:
Just today again, he keeps asking for food, and I'm the one paying for stuff... making it, bringing it out to my car that he's treating like crap. I love my son. The problem is it's hard to find housing, and the weather is turning cold. I've explained to him that a shelter might just have to happen. There aren't many around and they may even have a waiting list. If he wont go, I can't leave him on the street in winter. That's where I struggle, but I'm out of answers. I suggested he get himself addiction counseling and financial counseling, he just says I might need help but I can help myself. He's immature..... I appreciate the advice. I just don't want to see him suffering. He has no family but me to support him. I hope he gets counseling or a psychiatrist but I've asked what's happening with that, the answer is, it takes time especially with covid.
He will not starve or be on the streets. I can look deeper if you want to share some state or country info with me, even pm but no pressure just trying to help.
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Old 09-26-2021, 04:53 PM   #8
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Where we live has rules outside of our control too and it feels crappy that we just can't follow what our heart says for my son. He has to be full time in school or he simply can't live with us. I know the guilt of not having the money to truly help in the way you feel like you need too. Knowing your limits will help you not feel as bad. Next time he needs food take him to a food bank. And it he complains tell him your on a limited income and you can't help him with money. What you can help him with is to find resources.

He's only 21 so job corp may take him for free. College as a homeless youth may take him in special programs they have dedicated to homeless youth. that would require student loans though. I always go the route of education when homeless because that gives them a room, food and resources with the string attached that they have to show up and try in classes.
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