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Old Dec 04, 2022 at 08:05 PM
  #1
 
First off, my ex-husband is an admitted NPD alcoholic. Unfortunately, he passed those traits on to my 24 year old daughter who has been diagnosed as BPD and NPD. I'm curious if anyone else has a kid with these traits and how do you deal with it?
- She's admitted to me that she's Machiavellian and will do/say whatever she can to get what she wants.
- She threatened to kill my dog when I gave her cat to a friend (that I rescued because she almost starved it to death.)
- She's threatened to cut our throats while we sleep for making her leave.
- The kid will work, but she bounces from job to job and gets fired often for running her mouth or not doing what she's supposed to. (It's never her fault though.)
- She has an inflated sense of self-importance and thinks that everyone should value her opinion and listen to her.
- She's constantly getting kicked out of her living arrangements by roommates for something they supposedly did instead of trying to get along with them.
- She frequently changes her diagnoses and will find a new therapist or Dr to give her one which provides an excuse for her horrible behavior. She's been in countless hospitals and therapy sessions to validate her behavior, but NEVER change it.
- She's been on EVERY medication for mental illness and none of them work.
- She never calls unless she wants money.
- She doesn't want to hear solutions or suggestions. She'll ask what to do about this/that but then argue the very reasonable solutions I give her that require hard work. (She's an "askhole")
- She says that she no longer does drugs, but the random calls for money because of BS excuses tell me otherwise.
- She collects pets & strays when she can't even afford her rent because they 'help her emotionally'. She insists that everyone around her accept this and support her pet hoarding.
- NOTHING is ever HER FAULT. EVER.
- She'll cry and weep on the phone about being a disappointment to me in hopes that it will emotionally manipulate a response from me...mostly so I'll send her money.
- If she finds out that we are going on a trip or doing something fun (via facebook) she'll call and have a life-altering, (sometimes threatening) crisis that requires my immediate attention...EVERY TIME. (Yes, I no longer post my trips or activities on FB...since I stopped...no more calls!)
- No matter what my views are, they're all wrong and she'll make up false news simply for the purpose of trying to make me feel stupid. (Which I've caught her in many times.)
- I am on the spectrum and suffer from depression and she knows how to manipulate me into feeling guilty for not being more empathetic.
- She is extremely filthy and will not clean up after herself or bathe.
- I've offered to 'solve all her problems' by taking my truck to go pick her up and move her back home so that she can save money, but she always refuses.
- In everything, she is the victim.
- She has told relatives that I'm cold and heartless when I refuse to give her money (That I know she's using for drugs)
- I pay her car insurance, registration and phone bill and 'I don't help enough because she's mentally disabled and shouldn't have to work.' Apparently, I should be providing everything on my meager military pension and I can't.
- I have run up a credit card over 10k trying to help her fix her car, get new tires, pay for auto repairs and a ton of other things...I can't run it up anymore and she insists I should just open another one.

My own therapist said that I need to totally cut her off, but I'm guilt tripped by her and our relatives in making me feel like I have a responsibility to help her when she does nothing with the help but squander it and end up right back in the same predicaments. It only condones her toxic behavior and she never gets better or improves her situation.

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop the money begging phone calls? Every time she calls, I get heart palpitations and have panic attacks because I know it's going to be another crisis or catastrophe. I've been so sick all weekend with her recent sob story scheme. I can't sleep and my chest hurts because it feels like it's never going to stop!

And please don't reply with, be kinder, be more understanding comments...I did that for years and it only fueled her passive, narcissistic/Machiavellian ways and it's only made it worse! She doesn't care about me....NEVER asks how I am, if my heart issues are getting better....it's always about her.

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Old Dec 04, 2022 at 08:45 PM
  #2
 
My daughter doesn’t have a personality disorder but she does have bipolar and addiction issues. When she was 21 she was picked up for a dwi. We made the decision to not bail her out. She says now that that was a wake up call that she needed. She had to face the consequences and she got serious about cleaning up her act. She’s 40 now, stable, working, married and has two adorable kids. It’s tough not to bail them out but it’s got to be done.

Your daughter knows she’s emotionally manipulating you. You do need to cut the ties. No more rescuing the animals call the humane society and report her. She needs the consequences. Tell the relatives you’re doing what’s in her best interest.

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Old Dec 06, 2022 at 12:17 AM
  #3
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nammu View Post
My daughter doesn’t have a personality disorder but she does have bipolar and addiction issues. When she was 21 she was picked up for a dwi. We made the decision to not bail her out. She says now that that was a wake up call that she needed. She had to face the consequences and she got serious about cleaning up her act. She’s 40 now, stable, working, married and has two adorable kids. It’s tough not to bail them out but it’s got to be done.

Your daughter knows she’s emotionally manipulating you. You do need to cut the ties. No more rescuing the animals call the humane society and report her. She needs the consequences. Tell the relatives you’re doing what’s in her best interest.
I guess that is what it is going to come down to. I've started to mentally prepare myself for that awful call from the authorities.

The only good thing is that we moved 4 states away from her so that Mommy can't come rescue her anymore. It's been a blessing because I'm not immediately available to mooch off of. the disasters still happen, but only once a month now, not every week.

I got a question: Is it bad if I stop answering her phone calls and insist she texts instead? That way I don't have to hear the screaming and crying tactics? Also, if I need to contact her, I always have to text and she never answers them for days, sometimes weeks if I ask again.

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Old Jan 25, 2023 at 01:11 PM
  #4
 
I think the texting idea is excellent. I caution against completely going "no contact" with her. I don't believe that will ultimately be an answer to the issue.

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