Young Teen boy & Dating

My son is in middle school (7th grade) and has discovered "girls" - and they have discovered him. I am feeling social pressure myself from other parents to allow dating at this age. It is so strange in that I totally expected social pressure from the kids - but am surprised by my reaction to pressure from a few of the other parents. I'm looking for suggestions as to how to communicate with these other parents without hurting anyone's feelings.

I feel that it is best to not put young teens in a "dating" situation where they feel pressure to kiss, fondle or whatever. I feel that it is a lot more fun and a lot less pressure to do things as a group. Such as go bowling, a school sporting event, swimming, etc. That way everyone can still have fun while being around the person who has caught their attention - without any pressure to take that attraction to the next step.

Everything that I have read has stated that the later a teen can delay getting involved in sexual behavior - the better the outcome. And so here I am with other parents who when our children were toddlers would never consider allowing them to play with plastic guns or swords .. are perfectly fine with two 13 year olds going to the movies at 9 pm by themselves on a "date".

I am suddenly at a loss for words with these other parents - I do not plan on changing my plan to disallow one on one dating (I drive a gang of kids places all the time) but I am having a tough time as to what to say without hurting anyone's feelings. Any suggestions ? I don't want to come off sounding holier than thou .. and I truely don't think that I'm better than anyone else. And of course, the parents I am in contact with have children who are friends of my son.

I truely feel that how I am raising my son is best for him and reflects our values. I don't want to create an issue for him relating with his friends but have no plans to compromise. ?? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

You don't have to apologize for your beliefs or explain your child raising. You can merely make it a "rule" you don't want your son dating until he's 15 (or whatever age you decide) just like one makes rules about when a child will get his/her driver's license. He'll know the age and can tell the other kids (and not invite girls out) and the parents will have to settle for "I don't feel Tom will be ready to date until age 15" or whatever.

Just make sure you don't comment on their parenting style either though. If they let their children date early, fine but your son isn't dating until X age or until he can drive himself and his date, etc., whtever you decide.

I have a boy of 11, not my own, from my partners previous marriage!
I agree that you should stick to your own beliefs and not to give into the pressure of other parents!!!
I think the group activity is a fantastic idea as children of that age should not be pressured to become adults as fast as society would like them too!!
Too often children leave behind their childhood before the time is right & there is no way of ever getting it back!!!

Are the parents you refer to parents of boys/girls or both??

Flinty

Thank you ! The other parents have both girls & boys in the same grade as my son. I like how you phrased the "children being pressured to become adults too fast".

I feel better about sticking to my plans - at first I worried that perhaps I was being too strict or too out of touch with what goes on these days in the teen world. I know that I read all the time about 12 year old girls giving birth etc. I think that is sad.

Spring break will be here in a few weeks and so I'm going to plan some big outing someplace and will let my son invite as many kids as will fit in the minivan ..

Thanks.

Thank you ! Actually, putting an age limit or grade limit makes more sense and that will actually help my son communicate with his potential girl interests in case they are expecting or wanting to "date". I know some of the girls and they are nice kids - they are also very smart in that I would expect that once they understand my son's dating rules .. they will probably manuver their parents into planning a group activity just so they can be with my son. This could actually start a mini-trend. OMG - I could become a trend setter ... that would be a first. lol

Yeah, stick to your instincts. My daughter 13 and son 11 won't be dating one on one till they are at least 16. I am not sure what some parents are thinking, maybe they don't know either.

But keep in mind if a kid wants to fool around with another, they don't have to be on a one on one date to do that. Just tell the truth on why you have the rules and they might moan and groan, tell you that you are old fashioned or too srict. But they will secretly thank you for it because they can use you as a reason not to get involved in things they aren't ready for and really don't want to do, like sex, drugs, and other stuff. You are doing a good job!

I say to heck with what the other parents are going to feel. this is YOUR child you are protecting and possibly theirs. You don't have to give any explanation as to why you won't allow him to start dating at 13. At this age kids still need alot of supervision. they are just not mature enough to handle dating yet. I know this from my own experience. My parents divorced when I was 12 and I had my first date at 13. I was pregnant at 15. 2 yrs of dating already. gave me way too much time to do nothing but fool around. stick to your guns hon. your son will thank you later.

Stick to your guns! I have two sons, 15 and 18 years of age. It was refreshing to hear my oldest son say that teens talk alot about sex and the fact that they prefer to save the sex until later. Due to other factors like AIDS and Herpes, Date Rape drugs etc.....the teens where my sons attend school are not so eager to be intimate.

The biggest influence today is media.

Be proud of your decision. It sounds much healthier and smarter than other influences.

Great thread peanuts, you are right on with what needs to happen. I agree with everything you say. it would be cool if kids felt good hanging at your house. Safest place to have friends over. You keep being MOM's taxi and let the kids go in groups. You are so right on. Parents tend to think they have to allow what the kids are after. Stick to your guns so to speak. Good luck.

Maybe my parents were glad that I wasnt interested in dating at that age whatsoever. But I did a very naughty thing when I was 17 (the person I *ehem lost it to was um.... a carny from the carnival) AHH now that is a parents worst nightmare!!

I just want to throw it out there, that this "dating" can also be VERY harmless. I know that when I was in grade 7 I had "boyfriends" but nothing ever happened. Holding hands, or a kiss on the check was seen as a big deal. And I'm sure that there are other kids out there who maybe might go further, but i really think they're the exception rather than the rule. This sort of heterosexual pairings are an important part of development, and i think that if you strictly place a rule on who they can and cannot hang out with, it might come back to bite you, or it may keep them from developing alongside their peers.

I'm by no means saying that you're wrong, but just that I think a lot of this dating is pretty harmless, and a natural part of adolescent development.

Thanks for feedback everyone ! I feel loads better sticking to my plan to not allow one on one dating until a later age. I will do all that I can to encourage the get togethers in a group where the kids can still be kids as they get to know each other as potential future dates.

At least one other mom has come up with a group outing for spring break - so perhaps this will catch on. At least catch on with the group of kids my son is currently involved with.

It is not easy being a parent and I worry about being too strict or out of touch with the kids. But I'm thinking that the basics are still a sure bet.

Thanks everyone for your feedback

I agree that the initial involvement would be very harmless. The problem is that by putting 13 year olds who are raging through puberty together without the wisdom that age brings invites the potential for poor choices. Because 13 year olds do not always think things through.

Having sexual feelings is a normal human experience. But it is better to wait until older before engaging in a one on one dating experience that may very well place two young persons in a situation where they will not be able to stop.

The only rule that is being enforced is the one on one dating rule. My son can certainly hang out with the girl of his interest .. just not by himself with her on a date. He can hang out with her while bowling with a group of friends - they can be together without the burden of behaving like "boyfriend"/"girlfriend" and all that may imply.

I really don't think putting 13 year olds in a dating situation is part of normal adolescent development. I think that normal adolescent development means that the hormones are raging and the interest is there .. but there is no wisdom and no restraint there yet - because of the youth.

I just have struggled with how to communicate to other parents about how we feel about the young dating situation. One of the moms just called and wants to setup a group trip to one of the local highschool musical productions .. I of course volunteered to either pickup or drop off ! So maybe other parents are going to follow along - we shall see.

I simply took care of the dating situation by letting my boys, the girls and other parents know that our household rule is "No Dating Allowed before the Age of 16" - and even then it is in group events only...... it worked for my husband and I thru two teenage boys - now age 23 & 18.

I think you've got to give your son a little more credit. Just because he may be young, doesn't mean that he doesn't know "how to stop." I can certainly appreciate where you're coming from, but if your son is going to engage in any sexual activity with a girl of his choice, he's going to do it whether or not you put an age restriction on his dating. If his friends have house parties, he can easily enough sneak off with his girlfriend. If his friends go to the movies, he can easily get time alone with her. And I'm not saying that you should stop him from doing any of those things with his friends by any means, just that he is a teenager, and they do have a mind of their own. I wasn't even a rebellious teenager, but when my mom started restricting who I could hang out with, i sure did my darnest to do the exact opposite.

I think that no matter what you decide to do, its important that you talk with him, and explain to him what exactly it is your trying to say here. I think he'd be more inclined to listen to you that way, then by placing any age limit.

I'm not trying to offend anyone, or tell you how to treat your son.. I just wanted to put in my two cents, and i'm sorry if it bothers anyone.

Peanuts,

They’re your kids, your rules! My house was the “flop” house because I wanted to know where my kids were and what they were doing. Many times boys spent the night here (daughter’s friends) but the rule was the boys slept in the living room and were not allowed in my daughter’s room once we were going to bed. I also have to say at that time, I was sleeping maybe 2 – 3 hours a night. I am fully aware that they can just as easily do whatever during the day as they can at night, but that was a rule. When the boys were in daughter’s room, the door was never closed. I also have to add that none of these boys were her boyfriend that may have changed the rules.

They ALL got the sex talk too! My daughter was mortified, but oh well. But I was the one that they came to if they had questions or situations that they didn’t know how to deal with. My eldest two didn’t date, my twins are currently dating, they’ll be 15 in May. But their “dates” are school dances and functions etc.

I’ve been open with my kids about sex and my expectations since birth. I focus on respect for themselves and others and the possibility of diseases. This is an adult decision, and if they're not adult enough to come to use for condoms, then they're not adult enough to be having sex.

That is great that your house was the house to be - what a great way to keep a pulse on what is happening in your kids' lives. I also like how you kept the sex talk going all along instead of just having the one big "sex" talk.

It gives me encouragement to hear how others kept the lines of communication open and how everything turned out OK.

There really are lots of low-cost opportunities for kids to meet up with each other at school functions. A place to see others and of course to be seen by others.

Thank you

I kept asking my sons for their opinions on topics. Being a social science student, I had some easy excuses for my questions but if asked, my sons were eager to voice their opinions. I found that if I put the power in their hands to say something, anything, then they were more enthusiastic to talk about it.....as long as I don't ask the question in the middle of their recreation time lol.