Is 20 a kid

My daughter, adopted at 6 has severe attachment disorder. I got an anon email a week ago accusing me of using her as a slave and loving the other kids more, never letting her see birth sib, ugly stuff, not from her but obviously someone she had spoken with. Clearly this is her attitude. I keep asking her to communicate to us without abuse or cruelty. She now claims to my friend that I called the cops on her and told her not to email. All I said to her was if she was going to be abusive that I would get an order of no contact. Now she says I called the cops. i feel like no matter what I say I will get shot down. I send loving emails to her and she keeps up the hatred. I can't stand the drama. I hate this. love my daughter. She has turned her back on everyone, grandparents, siblings and parents. I just sent her a bunch of copied emails so she can see what I really have been saying. I asked her to please call me so I could speak with her. I remember when she was home when she left her abusive boyfriend I was so happy to be with her. I enjoyed her company tremendously. I want to speak with her about money, helping her get disability and seeing if I can help her with money in the mean time. Why, because I Love her. However, if she rejects me again I am going to turn my back.

I already told her once that if this is what she wants she will not hear from us at all, she won't know when her grandparents die, won't know anything that happens here. I also told her if she was continuing to be unkind she would not benefit from our will. I mean that and have to do the will stuff NOW.

My self esteem is in the pits. I hurt that she feels I am horrid, and other people as well. The person who wrote that email was cruel. I have lots of suspicians. I am so tired of the drama and want her back or dead. That sounds terrible. I mean if she is not part of this family she is not going to be part of discussions and I REFUSE to be verbally abused by her again. I am done!

I don't think so. I think 20 is a YOUNG adult.

Age is a number that indicates the number of years your body has been in existence physically- and while more years can mean more experience (and thus, more wisdom), sometimes they don't. I've met 30-somethings who act like kids and very wise 16 year olds who seem like adults in teenage bodies.

Your daughter sounds like she is not willing to accept your boundaries- it sounds like she thinks that because you're her mother, she doesn't have to consider your feelings- and that makes her more of a kid, because she still has this very important lesson to learn. While it is very, very hard, sometimes you have to let your children make the mistakes that are necessary for them to learn.

Good luck to you.

Thanks Darna, I forgot to add that she is developmentaly delayed and is living with boy friend who is challenged, quit school at 16 with encouragement from parents. parents are marginal. Whole family she lives with are challenged. One minute they can be ready to kill eachother and the next they are best friends. Oh it is so painful.

I think at 20 they still have a lot of growing to do, I have a 19 year old son who drives a car and works full time and yet he will think nothing of pinching his younger brothers BMX bike or going out on his blades/skates ! He will be so mature one minute looking after the children while I pop out and the next he is breaking a light in the front room from acting silly !

Maybe cutting her out is a bit harsh maybe letting her know you will not tolerate her behaviour any more and that WHEN she has grown up a bit the door will be open for her to come back in with no judgments from you but untill then NO MORE !

I know that sounds harsh but tough love is hard to do and at 20 you know she can cope with the world enough to not go down and that if she really needs you as you have left the door open for her she can contact you !

Good luck !

By the way my sister was a pain in the back side untill she was 24 then she suddenly turned round and has become a great mum and house keeper even though she is severly partialy sighted ! She gets on great with my mum now and with most of the family and the ones she dont get on with are not nice anyway lol.

So there is light at the end of the tunnel....

Oh please make it so. Yes, the message is if you can't be nice don't contact us, me. I tried contact after her half birth sister died and nothing. Arrg! She gets to me so. Thanks for the hope.

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BalishBun said:
I don't think so. I think 20 is a YOUNG adult.

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I agree.................... 20 is a young Man / Woman in training - with some supervision still needed, but never forced.

Okay, she is an adult and so I go back to just respecting her boundaries, or choices she has made to live her life without us. Then she gets all pissy cause I wasn't there for her when she had her last surgery. I didn't even know! I can't win no matter so I quit now.

I wouldn't do anything; I would just delete, unread, anything from her or have a friend/someone who isn't as attached with her screen my e-mail from her; I'd change my primary e-mail address and not tell her so eventully all her e-mail goes to the old address I didn't check very often. But I wouldn't let her hurt or upset me. I just wouldn't give her any response at all until her messages change in some way. Until then she'd be junk/spam mail from someone with her name.

partially agree. being a 20 year old, i can tell you, im not a child. i still learn things and grow - but everyone does. 60 year olds are still growing as people (hopefully). but i have been through a lot and was forced to grow up early. whereas my boyfriend is turning 24 this year right after i turn 21. he still has TONS of growing up to de because his parents babied him for 21 years. so the number doesnt really matter.

as for the money issue and mental support - its hard to help someone who doesnt help themselves. and it seems weird, but sometimes the best thing is to just let them fall on their faces but let her know that if she needs you, youll be there. even though you say youll cut off all ties, i bet that if she really needed you, youd still be there.

bottom line - you do not deserve to be treated that way. if she feels you have done all that stuff to her and you honestly havent then its in her own perceptions. i really hope something works out because you dont want to lose your daughter but you dont want to abused by her either. im so sorry youre going through this right now.

Wisewoman,

If your daughter was 20 years older I’d swear that we were related by marriage! My cousin married a woman right after high school. They’d met on a class trip in Florida, wrote letters through the rest of the school year and when they both graduated, she moved in lock stock and barrel.

She had two children with him, and felt that was enough to keep him in line, that and suicide threats. The last straw for him was when she wanted a third child in 4 years and he said two was all he could afford and was not having anymore. She slit her wrists. Once hospitalized her doctor informed my cousin that he was not helping her, but enabling her. He filed for a divorce and custody of the kids that day.

At the time, she seemed odd, but not the person she turned out to be. She and her brother (no blood relation) had been adopted at a young age by a very good family. Even though the parents were well off, they didn’t go to school, they weren’t being supported. Cousin’s wife did not think that this was fair, her adoptive parents were well off and she didn’t think that she should have to work or go to school. She tried to play both sides against the middle finding her bio parents; she wanted her adoptive parents to buy back her “affections.” She was a master manipulator. Her adopted brother went to college and became an engineer and is a perfectly nice gentleman.

In answer to your question, it depends entirely on the person in question I think. Your daughter has a lot of growing to do, but in the mean time you’re not a door mat, you are absolutely correct you don’t deserve to be verbally abused by anyone!!!

Hopefully your daughter will mature and come full circle. In the mean time, let her know that you love her and she’s welcome in your home as long as she respects your rules. You have an absolute right to be respected, you’re not a whipping post!

Thanks for all of the information and support. It is really helpful to read and see what you all think. I guess you are all in agreement and I can live with following this path. Thanks for the help.

((( HUGS ))) - Please take care of your self....... and while I can see that you love your adopted daughter - I can also see that she has her own inner emotional issues of rejection and abandonment she must deal with before she can even start to believe (feel) that you truly love / want her.

And can she deal with these issues without therapy and with an IQ of near retardation? I don't know.

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wisewoman said:
And can she deal with these issues without therapy?

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If she will not consider therapy them try buying these two books for her and see if she will read them and use the techniques mentioned in them (my T recommended them for me) - Get the Radical Forgiveness CD as well, it is an awesome healing tool..... I still use it when needed.

http://psychcentral.com/reviews/show...8/cat/5/page/1

http://psychcentral.com/reviews/show...8/cat/5/page/1


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wisewoman said:
and with an IQ of near retardation?

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I am not for sure if this is your daughters real IQ or just a comment you made out of frustration with the way your daughter has been acting, therefore, I am leaving it alone until I receive further input... ((( hugs ))).