Just want Opinion from others

Is it possible to be a good parent
coming from a history of abuse, self harm,
addiction alcoholism depression and so forth as I do?

I have always made multiple mistakes with my kids
and they have troubled lives.....(ages 26 24 21)

are there others out there who got the formula right?

maybe I can just be a good grandmother one day?????

Juliaspavlov:

I have been praised on my parenting, but, I have also made mistakes. I have come from a troubled family background and that was perhaps my best motivator to NOT do what I saw others in my family and community do.

Other influences come from the outside community. A child's well-being can also be determined by the community they interact with....racism, disability discrimination, uptight status anxiety in the neighbourhood...violence, economic hardship, even a teacher or two can have negative or positive influence as well as doctors, lawyers, counsellors etc. It is a difficult world with high expectations of both the children and parents.

My biggest success was in helping my kids feel confident communicating with me. My biggest mistake was allowing too relaxed an atmosphere and not enough ambition or determination. My oldest son has little motivation to try hard at things.

Personally, I think we can all be good parents if we can be humble and accept help, and if there is help available for the needs we have in our community.

I'm not sure I am a good parent. However, I am a trying my best parent. It is extremely difficult today to parent in the most "normal" of situations, exclusive of our own child-rearing.

I see myself doing the opposite (to the extreme) of what my parents did. I know the reason for it, but the results are not positive. I don't enjoy being disrespected, called names, and just all around treated not so nicely. I often think if I just love my kids to pieces, then they will be ok in the end.

An answer to your question....absolutely, anything is possible!!!

Take care,
Dee

Children need rules and boundaries.

If you can sit down with them, as soon as they are old enough (2-3 yo?) and talk about good things and not so good things, and the outcomes when you do them... write down the "bad" thing done and the "punishment" for doing it... then they will know the boundaries for those things. You won't have to be the bad guy when they cross the line, because they have agreed already to the result. This should help with avoiding abuse too, if you feel you are so inclined.

Without boundaries, children grow up thinking no one cares.

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Well I grew up with a very abusive almost sadist home, I am actually lucky to be alive. (not an overstatement) My brother just recently died because of complications of his earlier childhood abuse (he was 36) Before I had children, I knew I had to learn different way of parenting because what I was modeled was quite the opposite of good parenting.

So i read books up the wazoo! Talked to people, etc. , but yes I stopped the cycle of abuse before I had kids. It wasn't always easy because sometimes when your kids are getting the best of you, it is hard to not fall into those roles that have been modeled all your life, but somehow I did.
I guess if anything I am a little overprotective of my kids, but children know they are loved everyday because I tell them and show them. They know no other way.
Since I have gone back to college, I have taken lifespan development that really teaches you the age stages of children and what they are mentally capable of .
But I guess the best parenting tip I would say is to be consistent with them. If you say you are going to do this, if they don't do that, you better follow through.
But I guess to answer the question, some of us who have come through an abusive home, has learned to be good parents. But I haven't had the background of self harm or addiction though.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Juliaspavlov said:
Is it possible to be a good parent
coming from a history of abuse, self harm,
addiction alcoholism depression and so forth as I do?

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Yes By All Means........ I am living proof of being a Good Parent despite an unspeakable past.

The formula that worked best for me was:

1. Giving Love & Respect before I requested it in return.
2. Equal amount of Discipline and Affection - (varies from day to day).
3. Being a Parent and not a Friend (that comes later when they are adults).
4. NEVER discipline out of anger, but rather for teaching and correcting purposes.


Good Luck....

I don't think there is any such thing as the "perfect" parent. I read somewhere that kids don't need perfect parents .. they just need parents that are good enough.

I think it is very possible for people to change - you have to want to change. I don't think it happens by magic, although wouldn't that be great.

I think you can make a positive influence as a grandparent. Kids today need all the adult guidance they can get.

<blockquote>
Juliaspavlov: Is it possible to be a good parent
coming from a history of abuse, self harm,
addiction alcoholism depression and so forth as I do?

Just a thought for you to think about...

Like you, my own mother came from a history of various abuses. She was not a perfect parent although she certainly was a parent who tried to do the best she could do in whatever circumstances she found herself in. In spite of whatever personal failings she or I assigned to her, I loved her. More to the point, I felt loved by her.

Of the many gifts she gave me I do believe the greatest was not her perfection, it was her imperfection. It's easy to be pretty and shiny, and perfect. And yet, had I never seen my own mother be imperfect, I might never have known how to slowly come to peace with my own imperfections.

It's possible that a different stroke of fortune might have gifted me with a mother who taught me that who I was, was defined by my successes. Instead, I had one who taught me that I could fail and still be human. I consider myself to be one of the fortunate ones as a result.


Music of the Hour: Good Mother

I am very young only 26 so my experience isn't very played out yet but I have to agree with almost everyone that has posted.

I came from a bad backround and therefore I moved out on my own when I was 15. I never thought I'd have children because of medical problems in the past and when god finally gave me the oppertunity I sat down and cried with tears of joy and fear. But a friend calmed my worries by saying,

"If you or I or anyone were perfect, there'd be nothing to love"

psychology points to the views that we do somehow parent the way we were parented, but I have to disagree. Humans by nature learn mostly from trial and error. Your backround could be the strongest motivator or your weakest point, only you can make that decision. There is no such thing as a good parent or a bad parent. We can only do the best we can and know in our hearts and souls we did it with love; if you do that you are your own successor!!!!
I have many friends who come from perfect families and have severe drugs, drinking or abuse problems. All of them from rich (not that that has anything to do with it) happy homes, mom was homecomming queen now a school teacher and dad is a counsler at the job corp; families like that and they turned out horrible. And not to brag but I come from a horrible backround and now I have been to college for 4 years after dropping out of high school, I have a 4.0 and make more money than my husband (proud of too) and allthough I make a million mistakes every day I am proud of who I am and thankful that someone loved me. I can tell you love your kids and that is the best thing for them, let them learn from their mistakes and always have faith and an open heart, they are still young and there are many days ahead for learning

There's no textbook so everyone makes mistakes and a lot depends on the children (you and I are "okay" from our really bad childhoods and I'm sure your childrens' weren't as bad as yours was). Too, your children are still a bit young and could turn around. We all have to right ourselves and figure things out in our 20's I think. My 3 stepsons were all messes but started doing wonderfully in their 30's.

Ir's hard...but think of it this way, with the knowledge of an abuser, abusee, addict, child of an addict, whatever...you/or whoever can do the complete opposite. Some people get to that place without even realizing how they got there. People who've been there realize what to avoid to even come close.

It is possible to be a good parent coming from that type of world.

I do believe you can be a good parent, kids need love, communication and rules. I grew up in a troubled household and I was determined not to make those same mistakes, and I KNOW I've made others. But they know that I love them and would do anything for them.

I do wish I knew half of what I thought I knew at 18.

The golden rule pretty much sums up how to be a good parent - Do unto others as you would have others do onto you.

If you want your children's respect, you have to give them respect.

As a flawed parent, the biggest mistake i made (?) was not giving my children more responsibilities.

I did expect academic excellence, to the best of their abilities, and pretty much got that. I also expected the same for myself.

I think the main things kids care about is to feel safe and know that you love them. They want you to pay attention to them and NOT judge them. If they do feel loved and cherished I don't think they care too much if their parents are dealing with a mental issue.

Do you know what I want to thank everyone that put their responses
here on this thread.I never saw them because this was the exact
time I went into a refuge.
My eldest son died since then...and my youngest son is again back
locked in high security psych ward.

Wonderful responses all of you.Very much appreciated too.
((((hugs all parents))))