Having a child with special needs

First I want to say I'm sorry if anyone already posted something similar to this and I missed it, but I wanted to ask if anyone is the parent of a special needs
child and how you cope with that if you already have depression. My son is 5 and has autism, and if I thought I was depressed before, I found out I didn't really know the meaning. Being a single parent is also a double-whammy, and on really bad days (for both my son and me) I find that that's when I feel my most "dark" and thoughts about the future or any lasting "joy" in my life seem like a cruel game I'm playing with myself. Any similar thoughts?

(((( HUGS )))) - I was a mother a of special needs daughter from birth (God Rest Her Soul) - she was in a wheel chair and needed 100% care for the entire ten year we were blessed to have her with us - she never walked, talked or said Mommy...... and while I loved her with all my heart & soul I can also tell you of the struggles and ill feelings I had at times when I had to give up my own life for my daughters needs and special care...... now please know that having these feelings as I did and as you are having now does not make you a bad parent - just human.

I found that taking time for my self (if just once a month) really helped with the stressful life I often had to live in..... even if it was just a long soak in a bubble bath, sitting up at night by my self with a warm cup of cocoa & a good movie.
I especially liked to get up in the morning before any one else and sit out on the back porch with my warm cup of tea and watch the day begin........ with the wind blowing thru the trees and the smell of wild flowers in the air.

Thank you, Rhapsody, for your post. Your insight was just the kind of thing I was looking for I first want to say I'm sorry for your loss as I think people who've survived losing a child are among the strongest out there. It's not so much the giving up of my life that worsens my depression as it is losing the ideas I had for the life of my son. I've been told that this alone is likened to feelings with death, in the sense that you have to let go of what you'd imagined. Everyday I remember to be grateful he's healthy and bright and here, and even with the autism is a naturally happy child, and in it's own strange way the fact that he isn't "aware" of his condition makes my heart feel a little less heavy. For me, the love for your children is the most desperate and vulnerable type of love, because there's no other love-relationship where your whole role is to invest everything about yourself in them for the sole purpose of later letting them go. But thanks again for the post. I'll think about it the next time I sit outside in the wind with a hot cup of something. (One of my favorite things to do)

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musicnmoods said:
It's not so much the giving up of my life that worsens my depression as it is losing the ideas I had for the life of my son.

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I understand and relate to these same feelings..... as I use to sit and ponder for hours thinking about the wedding my husband would never walk down the isle with his daughter at or the grandchildren we would never have / share our life and wisdom with........ I miss knowing that I would never see my little girl grow into a beautiful strong woman...... to help her through the struggles of finding and losing her fist love.

All of these losses are Great for a Parent....... and now I survive in knowing that she is walking, talking and running thru a field of wild flowers in Heaven - some thing my precious daughter would have never done IF she had stayed here on earth with her father and I.

..... a bitter sweet sorrow.

For anyone with a child with special needs, I have to say I give you credit every step of the way. Im sure it takes a lot of patience and sanity.

(((((musicnmoods))))) I wish I had some insightful clever thing to say to make this easier for you. I worry every day of my life about my eldest child. I wonder if he’ll ever be able to find a job that he’s capable of doing, finding someone to love, and someone who will love him back. I know my husband and I won’t be around forever, and I hope that he’ll gain some degree of independence before our time is finished. When my second child turned 18, I had a serious conversation with her about making sure that her brother is taken care of in the event that dad and I aren’t here.

I was in denial a long time, I was sure that he’d be fine if only he found his niche in life. That denial cost a lot, especially regarding help that he could/would have received when he left high school if only I would have pursued it. I thought, we’ll just take a year to regroup and figure things out. That year has turned into 4 and now there really isn’t any help available out there to him, that I can find.

I just keep telling myself that he knows that he's loved, and that's a lot.

I am a parent of a child who receives special educational services. Early intervention was very important - started at about age 4 years old. We worked closely with the local public school to put an intervention plan together, obtained OT services privately, music therapy, speech language & psychology services.

Do you have a t you can work with ?? It helps to work through the grief you may feel regarding your child. It can also help to join a parent support group within your school district so that you can learn the ropes of special education from those who are already actively involved. I know that I found great comfort in such a group within my community.

You will need to learn to be an advocate for your child. It probably seems daunting right now but don't worry, you will ease into it and learn along the way. Don't ever give up - your child needs you.

I wish you strength to carry on.

Hello, I know exactly where your comming from. I have a son who will turn 5 with Autism and a daughter 16 months old. I am married to a man who I am not in love with and feel so trapped! I feel sad so much of the time. My childhood consists of major abuse and my adult life is not a pretty picture either. If you would like to talk either by email or phone I would love to. I need a friend and someone who understands. Oh by the way I am 38 yrs old.

Leah.

{{{{{{{{{{{{musicnmoods}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm sorry you have to go through this but you're not alone and now you have us for support!

My husband and I had a severely fragile baby girl who was born with so many physical anomalies with which we had to tube feed her and give her oxygen for most of her life. Back then there were times when I felt so depressed and that I couldn't go on. She eventually died at 2 months of age and even though people thought it was a great relief for our family, it was a loss we never will fully recover from.

A year after her death, I worked with special needs kids. I had a strong connection with the autistic kids from several schools. My daughter's life had influenced that decision to work with them. To me, all those children who made it to school and received special services, were my inspiration in life.

We ended up adopting my husbands nephew which was a crystal meth baby. I look back in retrospect and wonder if we hadn't gone through our original experience of our own baby, would we have had the strength to adopt another child with special needs.

None of us know why we end up with the children we are given. There are support groups which meet together in different areas or parenting hotlines for those times when you need a voice to talk to. Anytime you need support, we all our here for you as well!

I have a special needs child, also. She was born with toxoplasmosis and is severely visually impaired. She's almost 7 now, and I have learned to just take things one day at a time. If I didn't do it that way, I'd never make it through some days. Kudos to all the families that have special needs children. I know how challenging (and rewarding) it can be.

I admire all of you for: the amount of time... the patience... the ability of understanding your child's needs... yes- being a parent to a special needs child and that every day... even though it can be very trying.

I have Asperger's disorder, OCD and depression. My 10 year old son has Aspergers and to that also ADHD. My daughter has suffered a lot because of her brother hitting her and using very bad language. She is now acting out too- by yelling and sometimes throwing things around... seeking for more attention... The attention part is so hard... A special needs child automatically receives more attention... no matter how much you try to show equal amount of attention to the sibling.

To keep your own head above water when you're not feeling good yourself... takes a lot of you, when you at the same time have to take care of a special needs child.

Keep going all of you... you do it well!!!!!!

I can't believe it's a month later from all these posts and I'm just now seeing them! (That's how focused I am on the Creative Corner section!) I apologize to each and every one of you who replied and thank you for all of your sharing at the same time! Everything you all said is encouraging to me and also puts my experiences into clearer perspective. There are so many strong parents out there and I admire you all. As tough as our jobs are, I know how much we love our kids and enjoy them, despite all the trials. Thanks again for all your replies!

hi music,

my son was a child with special needs. he had cognitive, speech, social and sensory issues. i suffer from bipolar disorder, usually more depressed than manic. i guess the only thing i can say is take it one day at a time. i agree with rhapsody, take sometime for yourself to do something that you enjoy. i know that it's difficult to make time but try to do so ever so often. and as far as the ideas and plans you had, make new ones. why not? make new plans that will fit your child's future. i am also curious, did they diagnose him with autism or PDD? i worked as a service coordinator for children with disabilities in the early intervention program and a big portion of my caseload were children who fell in the PDD spectrum. wishing you the best of luck..

agony

musicnmoods
My son has PDD and LD
PDD a form of Autism
It was one of the hardest and greatest things in my life to deal with.
He is a gift. But yes I understand life is hard dealing with these wonderful kids.
Read as much as you can on it. Know there are groups out there put it into google.
Your child can be your greatest gift ever. I know how hard it is.
here is a link to some vids for you to watch.
Also I will get you more info
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...=&fpart=1&vc=1
muffy

agony007- He was diagnosed technically with moderate 'autistic-like' behavior when he was 2 1/2, but it seems that everyone who's worked with him has had something different to say And yes you're right about making new plans for him than whatever I'd envisioned, and if anything I've learned from this condition it's how to adapt and deal with the changes! One day at a time is definately the best advice....

muffy- I feel exactly like that- it's the hardest and greatest thing I've had to deal with. And I make it a mission to read and learn all I can about it. Thank you for the link. I'm going to look it up right now