Sex Ed

This is more of a parenting issue than a sex and gender issue so I thought I would try posting it here. My 11 yr old came home from school this week with a zillion questions following his 5th grade "Growth & Development" lesson. I knew this was in the curriculum and am familiar with the content presented.

However, I am really questioning my ability as a parent to handle the sexual development of my children. I know this is difficult for most parents, I just seem to be particularly sensitive about it. In my childhood home any thing remotely having to do with the reproductive system was totally off limits. So you can appreciate where some of my anxiety of this issue comes from I will share my only memory of a sex related discussion with my parents.

It's a vivid memory of being backhanded by my father at the dinner table for saying the word "VD". The content of this was actually kind of funny so I will share that too. My mother had called everyone to the dinner table. I was maybe 7-8 years old. My Dad sat at the head of the table and was left handed. I had the misfortune of having the seat to his left. As I approached the table, my Dad was singing: "What do you get when you fall in love.." To which little miss me blurts out as I take my seat... "VD". (LOL) I must have been really young and not had any idea it was anything "bad" because I was caught off guard and received the full blow of the backhand. This memory is unusual because I was alway on alert when within arms reach of my father. I was usually pretty quick so for me to be caught off-guard suggests that I really had NO IDEA what VD remotely meant. There was not explanation given for being hit. Just my father glaring at my mother and telling her, "You had better to something about her... She is trouble." My brother after dinner was laughing at me for being clueless and for getting hit. He simply told me, "VD is a bad disease you get when you have sex."

Anyway, obviously, I do not want to model my parenting after them. Reflecting on how I handled my 11 yr olds questions I think I did OK. The conversation lasted a fairly long time with him doing most of the talking and me just reinforcing, correcting some misconceptions, demonstrating that I am comfortable staying the anatomical terms (which I am really not but pretended to be) and conveying to him that he should be too (in the appropriate context of course). Then at one point he reports that he's had an erection and starts asking about wet dreams. On the surface I hear myself simply stating something like... well that's normal, actually good because it means that you are healthy. It just means that your body is starting to produce the male hormone testosterone. The whole reason you are learning about this now is so that you know what is going on and are not scared when it happens..... BUT INSIDE I am like... OMG... my son is talking to me about this stuff... why the hell isn't his dad the go to person for this discussion? WTF am I doing?

When I think about this exchange I think on the outside I handled it well, but internally I am really freaked out about it. I know it is likely normal for parents to have some anxiety about messing up the handling of this topic. For me however, having both non-communicative parents when I was growing & developing coupled with also being sexual abused by boys who obviously did not have a healthy transition in to adulthood--- this issue is creating a great deal of anxiety for me.

Has anyone else been in my situation. This situation is triggering a lot of feelings and emotions for me. Any suggestions on how to keep my experiences from affecting my relationship with my son?

Sounds like you handled it brilliantly.....I think these kind of talks trigger a lot of parents, abused or not.....well done.

Mouse,
Thank you for saying that. I think my concern is not about being able to explain the physiology. I think I can do that, even with some skill. I think where my anxiety comes from is knowing that my son is now becoming sexually aware and aroused. My experience with boys during these adolescent years...is that some of them do some really crazy things. Many of my memories include really stupid things but also a lot of cruel, violent, and unpredictable things. I know I am being hyper... but its affecting me and I don't want it transfered to him unconsciously. He has always been a very emotional child. He needs and wants a lot of attention from me. He likes to hug, cuddle, hang on or jump on me, will still climb into bed with my H and I occasionally. None of this seems sexually motivated but in the past year I've started to become wary of it. And I hit me full force when he was talking with me the other day.

I'm thinking he is becoming an adolescent, isn't he supposed to be in the avoiding me at all costs mode? I mean...I'm his mother for God's sake .... considered old and fat...I shouldn't be worrying about him. But as irrational as it sounds, I am. Do non-abused people think about this crap? Sorry if I sound ignorant in this topic... but I guess I just don't know.

I don't know either, but it sounds to me as though you are doing very well!

My experience with my son who is now 20 is that he slept most nights wtih me until around 11/12, my husband has done night shift for 18yrs...now I'd sit up and watch TV and he'd be snoring in no time...by the time he turned 11/12 not sure which one exactly...I did begin to feel slightly uneasy about this situation...now I'm not completely sure of the opedial complex stuff..but I think inside all of us unconsiously we do have a part of us that perhaps fantasy's our children could also be our perfect lover??? LIke as young children we thought that about our parents...so I will say perhaps this is why we become uncomfortable...now I'm not talking about pedeophilia here...I think thats when these "nornal" abeit unconsious thoughts are disturbed..so back to my son...I did tell him at this stage I think your getting a big boy now and perhaps need to sleep in your bedroom? I didn't push him immdiately nor make him feel it was wrong..but I did plant the seed so that it would become his idea...well as I say..his 20 now and yes sleeps in his own bedroom LOLOLO!!!!!!!!! and actually his gal-friend lives here with him...( oh gosh I hear people crying LOL)......its find that healthy line between loving him but also giving him his independence and us learning to let go?....of course some may not agree with any of what I've written...and thats fine...I can only be me and do my best....

It sounds like you answered him calmly, and truthfully. I think that's great.

Remember too that if you think of more to say or a different way to say it, you can add to what you tell him later, after more thought.

Remember there is a lot of fear, apprehension about this which probably was stirred up in the lesson at school. Let him know he can come to you with any questions and concerns he has. You can approach the subject too, by saying from time to time that's it's been a while since you talked about growth and development and you're wondering if he has any additional thoughts about it all. Even if he doesn't, this will let him know the door is always open for talking about it.

I wonder if there are books or other resources available from the school or library that you and he could look at together.

Make it exciting, wonderous, something to explore and celebrate!

sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. i have all girls myself, so not real sure how to handle a boy at this age, but with my girls i have found myself in some similarly awkward situations, like when my middle girl at age 10, with her 7 and 17 year old sisters there, how men have sex. she had the basics of what went where, but having only seen a baby boy having his diaper changed to go by she wanted to know the mechanics. boy that was scarey, especially with big sis snickering in the back seat lol.

all you can do is answer as honestly and openly as possible. reassure that you will always do so and that is ok for him to ask. and be thankful that he loves and trusts you enough to come to you with these questions. also might not hurt to have dad broach the subject with him to see if maybe that would be more comfortable for your son. hope this helps.

lost

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Echoes said:
Remember there is a lot of fear, apprehension about this which probably was stirred up in the lesson at school.

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Yes, I sensed a lot of fear in his questions. I think I did a good job reinforcing that the changes he is about to experience are normal and that now he knows more about what is going on it won't be as scary.

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thelostone said:
all you can do is answer as honestly and openly as possible. reassure that you will always do so and that is ok for him to ask.

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The more I think about how this exchange went the better I feel about how I handled it. He initially talked to me about the lesson while we walk home from the bus stop. Even when we got to the home we stood in the yard for another 10 minutes or so as he share more about what he had learned. This to me indicates that my initial reaction and responses didn't make him too uncomfortable. Especially since on a typical day getting him to talk about his school day is like pulling teeth.

Also, last night I was watching TV and he came out and started initiated the discussion again. This time some of what he shared was clearly not something that was likely presented during the school lesson. I could tell he was trying to connect the information from school with assumptions and terms he's heard in his peer group or from TV. It was obvious that he was processing stuff and some of his previous assumptions were being challenged by this new information. It was actually pretty comical to see him thinking and then having the guts to asks for clarification. At one point he asked, "people can't be both sexes, right? I could tell that what he was really trying to put together was what being bisexual really meant. Of course me wanting to be technically correct I said something like..."Well, actually there is a very rare condition where a person can have both male and female parts. They are called hermaphrodites. This condition in humans is very rare but in other species like worms its how they are made. Well this set off an explosion in his head and the conversation got really silly and we were both laughing really hard. This is where I eventually had to hold up my hand and say lets stop here. Before I sent him to bed, I realized I really hadn't answered is real question and frankly I really didn't want to. I don't know I was OK with discussing the anatomical stuff, but love, attraction, relationships... I don't know. I didn't want to drop the discussion with him still confused so.. I said something to the effect of, 'I think what you were really asking about people being both sexes was because you've heard people say someone is bi or bisexual.' He shyly said yes. I said I really don't think this topic was discussed in your school lesson, right? He said no, we were just talking about it on the bus. I simply said words like bi and gay aren't about what body parts someone has. They are more about how someone feels inside. Who they like or who they are attracted to. You'll understand this more as you get older, OK? He seemed satisfied with this and went to bed.

Reflecting on this exchange today, I might have allow it to got a bit too far but I'm OK with it. Although stressful at times, I enjoyed getting to know this emerging man of mine a little more. At least he knows that I am willing to talk with him about "growth & development." I am definitely NOT my parents! So I am glad to see at least that pattern broken. I've also realized the past few days that I was able to keep my fears and anxieties out of the conversation. I just hope I am able see my son as an individual and my past separate from the present.

Thelostone, as for your suggesting that Dad broach this subject with him. They have kind of a rocky relationship at the moment. I did mention to my H that our son had the "birds and bees" talk in school the other day and had a lot of questions. Hinting that he might want to talk about it with him. He didn't, but at least he is aware that questions might be coming. I'm kind of glad my son decided to come to me though. My H would likely have made jokes, been blunt, and would have been very opinionated when the sexual preference topic was touched on. I do however hope he will step up and handle any further discussions about wet dreams and the like.

Sorry for the long and maybe too detailed post. Just wanted you all to know that your comments were very helpful and I am feeling a lot better about things now. THANK YOU

You handled it so well! I've always been really open with my kids about sex, and I'm comfortable giving the talk, etc. I can handle just about anything on a generic level, but when they start talking about themselves I get a knot in my stomach, but push through.

You've established an open line of communication. He feels comfortable talking to you and that's awesome. Kudos!

I think you did a good job.

Hey Chaotic,

I'm with Mouse. I think you did a a fabulous job! These issues are sooo hard to handle when we are hampered by our own backward upbringing.

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Any suggestions on how to keep my experiences from affecting my relationship with my son?

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I think you are doing it! You managed to have the discussion--bravo! Chaotic, I have chickened out sometimes. I have given my boys the book, "What's Happening to my Body Book for Boys"

Wow - I agree with what others have said - sounds like you handled the question(s) beautifully !! Way to go. Good job breaking a cycle of misinformation and shame regarding the natural normal puberty growth that all kids go through.

Hopefully, when your son becomes a father .. he will pass it along.

Thanks again for your support Miss C and Peanuts.

I hope I am able to keep my issues separate from this relationship and not turn the normal into shameful.

Also, I can't remember if I put the trigger icon on this post or it was done for me. If I didn't and someone found it triggering--Sorry