Unsure if I am overreacting - Issue about daughter who is not yet born

I have an issue that just came up and if I am wrong to have gotten upset or worried I would like to know.

I am 23 weeks pregnant at the moment and I found out I am carrying a girl.

The guy I got pregnant by and I are very iffy most of the time. We both have different views on things. I am monogamous and he is poly (He wants to sleep with multiple partners). That has caused enough problems but I think we finally got past that. Sadly another issue has been brought to light when we started talking about how we wish to raise our daughter...

I know he won't be impressed with me asking for opinions on this but I honestly really feel I should just in case I am in the wrong.

Sex is extremely important to him therefore it seems important for his daughter. He said we should teach our daughter about genitalia and probably sex at age 8. He said he would do this by showing the daughter his genitals to show what "boys" have. To show her that boys and girls have different sexual organs.

I was shocked but then he said he heard that you do this on that Late Night Sex Show.

My first thoughts were shock and disgust. Then I felt worry....

I told him my father never showed me his genitals to teach me about sex and if he did I can imagine I would be semi-disturbed...

I said to him then that I felt I should teach the kid about sex and then he said that I would teach her lots of "wrong" things.

If we had a son I would probably feel more comfortable with him explaining sex issues to the son but since it is a daughter I feel I should be the one explaining.

The next thing I said to him is why couldn't I just find a picture online or show a picture in a book of a genitals to show our daughter.

He said he doesn't want our daughter learning about sex in the school system and should know all this stuff way before hand. Which is fine by me... It's just that one thing he wants to do...

I know this issue isn't going to come to light any time soon but it made me wonder if I should have warning bells go off...

He got more offended when I said things and then accused me of calling him a child molester... Now he says he will have nothing to do with the child (though he could be just overreacting) and will just send child support. I really want him in the daughter's life but I'm not sure if this is a warning sign to trouble or if this is actually an okay way to teach a child of sex. Plus he is now saying I would try to get him in jail because of all this... If he did try to show our child his genitals I would feel the need to alert someone. I personally feel it's really wrong... But maybe I'm wrong.

I'd really love opinions on this.

Thank you!

*edited to add a trigger icon by Rainbowzz

Personally it sends up HUGE warning signals to me - I definetly wouldn't feel comfortable with this.

You are not over reacting...huge, huge red flags on this for me. I copied the below quate from
http://www.findcounseling.com/journa...ual-abuse.html
Examples of child sexual abuse:
Digital (finger) penetration; Exhibitionism; Fondling a child's genitals; Having intercourse with a child; Having oral sex with a child; Having sex in front of a child; Having a child touch an older person's genitals; Incest; Masturbation; Oral-genital contact; Prostitution; Rape; Showing an adult's genitalia to a child; Showing X-rated books or movies to a child; Sodomy; Using a child in pornographic production of any kind.

I would not allow that to happen! big huge red flags here. I would take the child support and run!

By saying to you he will have nothing to do with the child he is trying to emotionaly blackmail you ....

Get rid of him fast.

((Fraction))

Now is the time to begin protecting your daughter. Do not allow her father to be alone with her. He is disturbed and must be counseled before he can have contact with his daughter. You should seek professional help from a therapist. A therapist can help you form a healthy relationship with your daughter and find appropriate supports and models for parenting.

In a way, it is good you know this about him before she is born, because you have time to get help. Be well.

Peace

Wow, perhaps it is out of context, but his attitude is very disturbing.

i find his attitude disturbing in a couple of ways. the obvious way of course as everyone else has pointed out, but also, how sure are you that this man is being physically faithful to you. the danger of contracting an STD while pregnant poses a very immediate risk to your daughter. i would think long and hard before continuing this relationship.

lost

good advice from all replys here i would also run hes not willing to listen to your point on this,i am feeling a bit uck after reading what he wants to do it sounds to me like abuse and grooming as a person who has been abused
get out of this relationship fast

Husband and I have discussed parenting outlooks as far as sex and the above, and I never had a single red flag. If he would have said that to me I would have told him he was a pervert. A father exposing himself to a child is wrong, whether its for educational purposes or not. And the fact the "i want nothing to do with the child" sentence came out of his mouth, whether he meant it or not was wrong. I see it as okay if you take a shower with a young child like 4, but nothing older. I agree, the school system isnt always the best place to learn about sex ed, but he sounds kind of scary to me. No offense, but if your instincts say red flag, its a red flag.

Thank you all for the advice.

He is actually talking to me right now. I sent him a link to "What is Child Abuse" and asked him if he was willing to get help. He won't. He is being very stubborn so it seems I am going to have to go down the path of trying to keep him out of the child's life or have him around only if I am around.

He is talking about how he dislikes today's society. He is now bringing up how there are nudist households (I am fine with nudist households. The thing about those environments are they are always nude and they are not trying to draw attention to their genitalia to teach a child about sex.) and saying how in the 1950's families had baths together. He is saying he hates this society.

Sadly, I asked him to get help about this to maybe talk to someone and he refused. So he does not want help.

He keeps saying "You do think I am a rapist".

I'm saving the chat log I am having with him though I am not sure it will do anything. He even told me to save it since he even said it could get a restraining order on him from the kid.

Now he has went to verbal abuse:

He wrote:
“Up to the age of 4, teach kids the names of their body parts; from 4 to 8, explain how babies are made; from 8 to 12, explain what physical changes to expect; from 12 on, talk about decision making, sexual health and protection, suggests Dr. Justin Richardson, coauthor of "Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask)."” (Springen)

I said:
Talking, not showing.

He said:
I'm looking for where it was recommended.
You "insert the swear word he called me here".

I said:
There is no where that it says "Showing your genitalia."

He said:
It was for the mother and father to appear naked together and explain their bodies.
In a loving and caring and educational context.
Not, EXPOSE GENITALIA.
That is the difference.
And, I am honestly completely offended.

I said:
Honestly there are other ways then to expose an adult body. It is still exposing your genitalia when you are an adult.
There are photographs in books and online.

He said:
How can we expect our daughter to come to us about a problem with her body if she knows we are offended to show our own.

I said:
Many girls have grown up fine without being shown their father's genitalia.

He said:
We are basically saying, "if you have herpes, too bad"
Many girls have grown up HAVING SEEN their father's genitalia and been perfectly fine too.
And their mother's genitalia

I said:
Well by walking in on the father BY ACCIDENT.

He is going on and on. I am going to save this whole conversation.

So right now he is trying to find a site where it says you should show your genitalia to a child.

I am not sure what my next move should be. Is there anyone I can report this to? If so, who?

WOW! I agree with everyone, red flag, RUN! He's not right at all. Not only is his method twisted, perverted (all of the above) he wants to teach it at eight years old, she'll still be a baby she doesn't need to be learning all that at 8. I wouldn't force the issue on any child, and only explain if the child starts asking questions. My son started asking question (where do babies come from) at a young age. They'll ask that at five years old, but you've got to explain it in age appropriate ways. I wouldn't use pictures for an eight year old. My son is 11 and I wouldn't show him pictures yet. I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable showing my children nude pictures of adults that's sick, that's why they make diagrams and teach it in school.
Your instincts are right, trust them, if he's offering you an out, take it and run. Otherwise you will allways worry.

Take care of yourself and that baby!

My mother teaches sexual education in schools so I have all the diagrams and such they use there. I know my child will be properly educated and I can teach her myself. I have the tools necessary. I wish he understood that this way worked.

> right now he is trying to find a site where it says you should show your genitalia to a child.

Most likely he can find one. You can find a lot of things.

"Should"? I think if it happens in the course of things, that may be OK. If it is hidden, the child will probably pick that up. If it is made a point of, the child will probably pick that up too -- and be confused about why.

I agree that society is in many respects not healthy in its attitude towards sex. I am not sure his way will be that much better.

Some things to consider...

The problem I have is now he is saying how it was for both the mother and father to expose their bodies when yesterday he said that he would talk to our daughter about sex and expose himself...

He is not consistent which is another worry.

I really do not want to go to court over this.... If anything I just want protection or something. Some way to let some people know of the warnings I've received.

Definitely keep the chat logs and any other physical proof he may leave. You know it's one thing if your kid opens a door on you and catches you getting out of the shower. It's sexual abuse if you stand there and point your body parts out. That web site that was recommened to you, send that to him so he could see it himself? If he stays in the childs life I would definitely get a nanny cam. Even if you supervise him, they'll be times you need to leave the room.

The thing is we do not live together nor does he live in the same area as me. We live really far away.

I did send him that link to that website. Sadly, he is just telling me how I believe all men are rapists now. I think it may be impossible to speak to him.

It sounds like he could use some therapy. He probably was abused himself and doesn't know appropriate sexual behavior, just the fact that you are pregnant and he wants to have multiple partners is a sign of somethings not right. Just because you don't think he should expose himself to an eight year old little girl, doesn't mean you think that all men are rapists. He's just trying to make you feel like the freak, he's being defensive. He sounds like a mess, I'd get myself out of that situation if I could.

Good luck!

I know he has put you in a position you think you cant cope with but you can ! Its amazing how strong you become when a child is placed in your arms for the first time....

Start preparing now to have him removed from her life and you WILL have the strength to follow through once you hold her in your arms, trust me on this.

By saying the things he is saying he is a typical abuser he will use anything to hand to make you think he is right and you are wrong they truly see no wrong in what they are doing but it IS wrong you and I and everyone here knows that, so your job now is to protect protect protect.

I know you are strong enough.

Trish.

I do know his family life was not very healthy from what he has told me. He said he has his views and he isn't budging on them. It seems like he won't be part of the child's life. I guess it's for the best but at the same time it's sad because I really wanted this child to have her father. He said he isn't going to change his belief and that I'm really horrible to try to change him.

He would do this to me alot. He tries to turn situations around and emotionally try to hurt me. He knows how to push my buttons. I do really care for him because we had so much in common but our views really differ. I wanted to stand by him and I wanted him to get better. I am not perfect either I have so much to work on but I thought he'd want to work on himself just as much as me.

Thank you!