Adult children; can't live with them can't kill them

So as many of you know, my daughter is home from college for the summer. My husband and I are having a hard time adjusting to her being an adult that lived on her own for a year, she’s having trouble remembering that she has someone to answer to.

One of her friends had his 21st birthday yesterday and they decided to go to the casino to celebrate. The one locally requires them to be 21, but since not all of the group are 21 they decided to go to one 2 hours away. She did ask if she could go, so it’s not that we didn’t know where she was. But I was up all night waiting for a call “hi we got here” “hi we’re on our way home”. The way that she communicated when she was in high school. Her cell died, and she figured as long as we gave her permission and knew where she was, all was good.

So am I being overbearing? Expecting too much? It is very rare when she doesn’t keep in contact, so when she doesn’t, like last night, I’m positive that something has happened. So by the time she comes home I’m frantic and rip her a new one. I know that’s wrong, I really don’t mean to. How do you deal with these new adults? My oldest one did not prepare me for this.

I think you can explain after this situation that when your daughter is living back at your house you would really appreciate it if she could call to let you know she is safe.

If kids have been away from home for awhile they some times move back thinking the rules do not apply to them or since they lived as an adult they live to their own rules now.

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AAAAA said:
How do you deal with these new adults?

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Loving boundaries...

It is your home. Explain that while you are all living within the same walls that you will all make every effort to give each other the respect that each of you would ask...

Respect means considering the feelings of each other...

You will inform her of your arrrivals while on journeys...so she won't worry...and you ask that she does too...

Again,,it is your home,,,being an adult means accepting some things too...

IMHO.

Lenny

Now that the dust settled, tell her you were just very worried about her. She should understand. I'm 33 and I still let my Mom know when I get to were I'm going (if she is aware of the trip). She does the same for me; let's me know she got to her destination if she knows I'm worried about it. It has nothing to do with being babied, it's piece of mind and respect. I think she'll understand and if you explain it to her she won't do it again.

Good luck! I think Rosanne Bar said "I'm raising two thirty year old teenagers". I don't think you ever stop worring.

Yes, very good advice here.

Just wanted to say the title of your post didn't half make me laugh!

made me laugh too .... also because our daghter has moved away to her grandparents for the summer before starting Uni ... she called tonight and said her grandparents are being very strict . She moved down there to make more friends, find work and be by the sea .... she is not allowed out with her new friends (she is 19)and when my father in law goes to the pub later she is expected to come back with him at 10pm .......

she says she respects that cos she is living with them and they feel responsible ..... which is good ..... but i wonder how long it will be before she#s home I do agree with Lenny about respect .... while she is under your roof she lives by your rules .... it's only a call ... and there are public call boxes .... just my opinion, I will expect the same from my daughter when she visits from Uni ....

Jin xoxoxoxoxo

I also laughed at your thread title!

I do believe that the others gave good advice. However, I have come to a different conclusion for myself. I am now living with 2 adult sons, 26 and 22 years old.

They go out and sometimes don't come home until the next afternoon. I used to get upset. Now I just assume that it means they parked the car because they were having a few beers. And I am usually right.

I don't wait up anymore. I expect them to behave as adults. I don't do their laundry and I don't cook for them every night. If they are home when I am cooking then fine, but if not I don't hunt them down. I only worry about meals for my husband, me and my 14 year old.

This is a liberating experience. And it's funny because my 22 yo is calling me all the time now!

Now that the situation is over with, I feel really foolish. She does respect the house rules, asks for permission before she goes out and normally keeps us informed if her plans change and she’s at Tiffany’s house rather than Amber’s. You’d think that years of being responsible would afford her a bit of slack on those rare occasions when something happens and she doesn’t call but in my warped anxious filled mind it’s just the opposite. I can see now that the problem is that I create the rules on the run. Prior to this trip, the only long journeys she’s made have been back and forth to college or going up to see my mother; and I’ve always said “call me before you leave” and “call me when you get there.”

Now that I’m calm and can look at the situation more rationally, the irony is clear. I expect her to be as responsible and considerate as an adult while still seeing her as a child running around in pig tails. She was very gracious, dismissing my need to apologize for over-reacting as “being the mom”. She also apologized for not turning off her phone when she went to work so that she would have had the juice to make those calls. We live in a pretty rural area, and there really aren’t any public phone booths anymore. I don’t remember the last time I saw one in working order.

It appears that she’s more mature than I am. So the issue is mainly mine . I guess I’m the one that needs to grow up.

(((((Miss Charlotte))))) If I went that many hours without talking to them or knowing where they are I’d have a stroke. God Bless them for being responsible enough not to drive.

How did our parents do this? Without cell phones!

Don't be so hard on yourself. You said it your self; "she usually calls when she leaves and when she gets there". She didn't call this one time. I would think something happened too and would be freaking out. I probably would have called the police seeing if there were any accidents, I would have called the surrounding hospitals or started driving around looking for her myself. After my husbands accident I go nuts when I hear sirens when someone's not home. It's normal to worry. I don't think, she'll be letting her phone go dead anytime soon!

It sounds like you have a great kid on your hands.

I could never sleep til my kids were home safe and sound. there are too many things that can happen in the world today. I am sure one of the friends she was with had a phone she could have used. I demand that respect when one of my kids lives at home. yes they are grown but a simple call to let you know not to worry.

well i guess it isnt hard to use a friends phone to make a call... but you cant expect them to act like when they were 16 and stil living at home...
parents have to let their kids be adults sometime..
a simple telling you where they are going for the night should be enough id say.. just my view

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AAAAA said:

How did our parents do this? Without cell phones!

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I would have used smoke signals if I had too...

My first thought was to always calm the heart that fed me....

I loved them and treated them as such...

It's funny,,,but that is the kind of gift that keeps giving...

My children are kind enough to give me similar concern..

BTW AAAAA it is very humble of you to admit your anxiety,,justice is found in your home...

Lenny

Thanks so much Lenny! I not only love my children, but I like them too, love spending time with them. And we now have a new rule, call when you get there and call when you leave. I know that we raised them right and they're good kids. I do trust them, it's just the rest of the world I don't trust.

I've told them a million times that they will not understand the type and amount of love that I have for them until they have their own children.

I know I have to let go a little bit to allow them to grow, it's just so hard.

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AAAAA said:
It is very rare when she doesn’t keep in contact, so when she doesn’t, like last night, I’m positive that something has happened.

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That's the rub; her previous habits have helped you develop habits but now you're locked in to habits that don't work no more :-)

I still remember when my girlfriend was visiting her parents from grad school; we were 24 or 25 I think and the two of us young women were out for an evening and her mother was waiting up for her when she got home :-) When we were in high school, she couldn't do anything after school (she was an only child and adopted) because her mother would make her take a nap! My other friend was a jock and she was always showering after school :-) so I never had much of a social life.

When I was 20 and in college I went to Florida for Spring Week (driving my mother's car with 4 other friends - my father and brothers practically had to sit on her from stopping it all at the last minute :-) and we went to a Jai Lai place and "faked" our way in with fake id's (1971) but I was last and I don't lie very well (no experience :-) and was the only one caught. The guy that was accompanying me (from Florida, not a student, older/26 or so, later asked me to marry him) came back out so I wouldn't have to be alone.

I'd remember how responsible your daughter was in high school and how well she's doing and that she takes after her Mom and will be fine.

LOL thanks Perna. I don't even want to think about her going off to spring Break. She went to Mexico for a few weeks with her Spanish class when she was a Sophmore. 30 kids with 12 adults and I was scared to death. I don't even want to think about her going off and being her own supervision.

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bebop said:
I could never sleep til my kids were home safe and sound. there are too many things that can happen in the world today. I am sure one of the friends she was with had a phone she could have used. I demand that respect when one of my kids lives at home. yes they are grown but a simple call to let you know not to worry.

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I agree, common courtesy to just call and state your case. It makes everyone feel better really....

TJ :rheart:

Def cannot kill em. Not an option lol.