Passing on problems to kids

Okay, so my wife just recently brought up the kids issue -- as in, she would like to have some very soon. We're basically at the point in our lives where we have to commit to this now, or never (we've been married 9 years, but we were very young at the time, so I'll let you do the rough math)...also, in 6 months to a year we'll probably be at a point where we'll have a stable enough living/financial situation that kids will be possible to work into the equation of our lives.

Part of me is really excited about the prospect...I've never though too much about kids up to now, as both my wife and I went back to school recently and have been quite busy, but now it just seems like perfect timing. But then I worry about passing on my OCD/anxiety/depression to some poor, innocent newborn. It's like when Tony Soporano used to talk about the "poisonous Soprano gene," for those who watched that show. The guilt of possibly passing my problems onto my kids is something I'm quite concerned about.

I was wondering if anyone else has faced this issue, and if they could offer my any advice on what to think/feel at the moment. I suppose acknlowedging I have these problems, instead of trying to hide them in the closet like my parents did, is a good first step. But I don't know how such awareness would translate as a parent...I don't want to panic and/or scare my kids the first time I see them worrying about something.

Please help me! Thanks in advance.

I don't suffer from the same disorders as you, though I do have a child. He'll be 19 months on wednesday. I have to admit I had my son early, in the relationship and in my life. Sometimes I feel like I have so many problems...that there're so many things wrong with me...that I regret bringing a child in my life. A child that I was not prepared for. Which only leads to hating myself for regretting the birth of my child. I wonder how my disorders will afffect him, though I always make an concious effort to hide it. When he gets older he'll probably think that mommy's crazy. It's not all bad...there are a lot of good that come with having a child. It gives me a reason to not dwell on myself. He makes me want to change or at least attempt some from of help. I think the most important thing as a parent, with or without PD, is to love your child and give your child someone they can look up to and be proud of.

I applaud you for thinking about this and for planning your family...how excellent! That said, I think now is a good time to get some marriage counseling about these issues since you are concerned, or at the least, discuss this at length with your other half. Personally, I would wait until both of you are out of school because adding the expense of a child is huge and takes quite a abit of time and money..IMHO!

I, too, was very hesitant about having a child, mostly because I had not been raised well and didn't think I could do it, honestly! It is difficult, especially now that she is 12 yo, but I am happy that I decided to give birth because it was by far the best thing that I have done! Do I struggle every day trying to give her the love and attention that she needs and so rightly deserves, yes I do! But, she is so worth it!

Peace and Blessings to You...

TJ

Well, I am a single mother who made the choice to keep a child born out of a toxic relationship.

I also am diagnosed BPD,DID, PTSD and Panic Disorder.

Most, however, of my illnesses stem from environment when I was a child and I think that environment plays a huge part in how we develop and whether or not we develop certain illnesses.

In thinking about this now, you are allowing yourself to get prepared. I think if you can take some time to learn as much as you can, and how you can set your child up for a good environment and situation and teach them how to cope properly, then you likely are doing the very best you can.

It's impossible to know for sure if you may or may not pass something on. But its not so much that you may pass something on, what happens is the vulnerability or genetic predisposition to develop an illness. This doesn't mean that your child will necessarily develop an illness.. its just a slight risk of it. So i think by creating the best environment you can and learning now good parenting strategies, you will be doing wonderfully by your future children.

Good luck and many hugs

Thanks for the help everyone! (and swtsandie, sorry you feel so bad, but I think you're being far too hard on yourself...sounds like you're doing a fine job with your child, despite what you think)

Just to clarify my situation, my wife is actually has a fairly well-paying job at the moment, while at the same time waiting to hear if she passed her accounting certification exam. If/when that happens, she'll be joining my here when she can find a new job. Next year I'll be starting my PhD...I go to a good school with regards to funding, so I'll have a decent scholarship no matter what happens. So we won't be rolling in dough, but we plan to rent a place instead of buying a house, so our financial situation should be workable. Plus there is a limited time frame to get this done, and my wife is really feeling like she wants to give this a go (which makes me want to as well, now that she's broached the subject). Also, hopefully when I write my dissertation I'll be spending a lot of time at home, which could cut down on daycare costs and such...crossing my fingers that the baby sleeps a lot.

skeeweka, you describe my own feelings very well going into this...it's good to know that things turned out so well for you. But yes, I will look into counselling for this...I believe my school is the place to start for that. And Rainbowzz, your point about creating a proper environment is a very good one. I'm determined to let me symptoms show as little as possible around the future little one...heck, this might turn out to be great therapy for me.

Such good advice from everyone...I'm really glad I found this forum.

Dig...I am so happy that you found the information useful... It sounds like you and your wife are making great strides at preparing yourself for the blessings of childbirth...both financially and emotionally. It will be challenging and expensive but I'm confident that you will at least be prepared for that.

In regards to not allowing your illness to show, sometimes it will happen, the key is knowing how to rebound from that and putting your childs needs first. Children are quite resilent and are quite happy just being with their parents, ultimately all they really need is LOVE!

Peace and Blessings to You...

TJ

Hi Dig,
Just wanted to share my experience in this area.
I was diagnosed BPD at the age of 25. Met the woman I would be married to( it will be 30 yrs. in March) soon after that.
We knew mine and my wifes problems(she suffers from depression) could be passed on, but that did not stop us.

Long story short, our two sons are now 24 and 26 and are showing no sign of BPD or depression.

If they do develop a problem later down the road, we will all deal with that then.
These diseases are treatable and new medicines are being developed every day.

We would not have done it any other way.

The joy and happiness we have all brought to each other was worth the risk.

Take care Dig and may you and your wife make the decision that works for you.

Dennis

Hi Dig, I am a proponent that you need the unhealthy environment to develop a mental illness. I feel that our development is everything and that includes owning a healthy development too, it can go either way. I still had my anxiety when I had my first child almost 10 years ago. I managed okay with her until my second was born and then all the extra work and stress sent me over the edge. I gave my children a very rough 2 years of their lives (2 to 4 yrs old and 0 to 2). Yes, my anxiety affected them but it also made me change. My husband kept telling me that what I was doing wasn't good and it finally sunk in and I finally figured out what I needed to do to improve the environment for my children. It took another few years to work the effects out of them (their anxiety, etc. from what they had to experience).

I have a neighbor who has OCD and her 11 yr old is very anxious. She has never done any work on herself, however.

So my advice is if you are going to have children you must do the work to get better......

Our children only know what we teach them and anxiety can be taught...... A person becomes anxious because they don't feel secure from being in a secure environment. If a child is watching an anxious parent they are not feeling security.

I also feel that those with depression never learned how to deal with their feelings. If you learn how to do this (learn how to deal with your emotions) you can teach your child how to do this. Yes, assumption of you on my part......

Hi, I have not read all the replies ..... but I read your original post ... what a wonderful person you are to think of these things in the first place, of how problems may be passed ont to your children ...

I just want to put in my opinion on this matter ... I'll keep it short. I was sexually abused .... neglected, emotionally abused, abandoned, rejected leading to me being insecure, low self esteem, no confidence. I struggled for years really looking back..... I married, had my daughter when I was 23 and suffered post natal depression .... I overcame that and went on to have my son nearly 3 years later .... post natal depression again, but had very good support from husband and family.

I believe the pn depression was felings and trauma coming back from my past, me thinking I wasn't a good enough mother etc etc .... I explained all this to my T and she said I have done m y very best, given my kids LOVE, SECURITY AND PROTECTION ..... my daughter is taking music composition at University, my son is in the top 0.5% in English in the country and is going on to do journalism and writing after school ...... they are sociable, intelligent, worldly and capable ... They have always known they are loved..maybe a little over protected by me ...I've made mistakes, but I've never regretted having them, they make my life complete and they are an asset to this world .... as long as your children are loved, protected and know right from wrong I can see no problem .... you sound like a thoughtful, selfless person to me by your opening statement .... I think you will make an excellent parent .... good luck

Thanks again to everyone for their replies to my post, and especially to the new repliers, since I haven't thanked them yet.

I'm really heartened to hear so many great stories, particularly since so many of you have had so many difficult issues to deal with. It's especially great to hear how much children have enriched all of your lives. I know there will be a lot of work involved, but I think I'm ready for it. Heck, I could use a distraction from my grad school work, as one tends to obsess over one's research at this stage.

The environment thing sounds so key. To be honest, thinking about it is making me quite bitter about the toxic environment my parents raised me in. If I could help raise and little version of my wife and I and stop the "family issues" from being passed along...man, that would be something.

My editing ability expired on the above post. I need to correct what I wrote up there (typo). It should read:

A person becomes anxious because they don't feel secure from being in an insecure environment....

Oh yeah, I think I read it the way you intended anyway. It's funny how that works, with reading I mean.

Thanks again for your help and advice.