Raise mentally healthy kids

I found out way too late, that the best way to raise mentally healthy kids, is to back off and leave them to figure out their own lives when they go out on their own. My daughter has always carried on that she needed me to do this or that, and I ran back and forth to her house buying clothes for her kids, going to school with her when there were problems, doing the helping on science projects for her kids. Now, we find out that it was just laziness, and she didn't want to hold up her responsibilities. She is 42 years old and has pretty much abandoned her 22 year old son and her one year old grandson. She has an 8 year old being raised by whoever, because she decided to go to college. Her husband is raising the little boy and doing the cleaning and most of the laundry, so she can do what she wants. She won't have anything to do with us because we got tired of her using us, and I will not keep this younger child and be hurt like I was previously. Our son is self-sufficient, has five little ones, and very seldom asks for help. When he does, he really needs it. It is so much more fun to be around his family and home, because I can really be their Nan, and have a good time with them. With our daughter, it was like I was responsible for the oldest boy most of the time. I love him dearly, but it became more like my husband and I were raising him that her. It started out that way, also, with the 8 year old til I said to myself, enough is enough. We were keeping him for whole weekends, so she and her husband could take off wherever they wanted. It is over! A lot of it was my fault. I didn't tell them what to do, but I was too available for her, and she didn't have to solve her own problems. I hope that my mistakes can help others.

You cannot blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues. Unless abuse is involved you cannot make someone mentally ill. My brother and I are not very similiar in act or deeds. I have mirror image identical twins and they are nothing alike either.

As parents we are human and make mistakes as our own parents did. But as an adult you cannot continue to blame your behavior on mistakes you perceive that your parents make. You cannot take the blame for her short comings anymore than you could take the credit for her successes.

I applause you for putting your foot down. And don' be too tough on yourself. We ALL do make mistakes. I know how it feels, I have experienced that myself and felt that remorse. But well, I need to remind myself that there are many things I did right and what was done, was done - we learn and grow all the time.

The hard part for me is that hubby and I just went through male mid-life crisis,and had a hard time for a couple of years. My daughter thought that it was funny, and encouraged him to do things that he would never have done before in our marriage. She is angry mostly, with me, for sticking to what I believe is right. She has a long history of using people.