[reach]

I need to work out ways to handle our present situations and have a few things which I still have not come to decision yet.

I think I take one thing at a time for now. What I need is your advice on this one. What has worked for you and what has not?

Thanks for your input. The question is :

What do you do when your child calls you name like "You're a loser", "You are a jerk"

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by reach

What do you do when your child calls you name like "You're a loser", "You are a jerk"

I defiantly would have a talk with him about WHY it is disrespectful for him to talk to any one like that, let alone his parents, and then I would give him a warning to what will happen the next time he says those words... and I would follow through with my warning when the incident happens again.

[reach]

Thanks for the reply, Rhap. I have strongly displayed disapproval and anger when my son does that and would give him a heavy consequence. He does not seem to dare do it to me. But he does that to my husband and most of the time my husband just kept quiet or react mildly which made me mad. But I feel that I should not interfere however sometimes I do when my son goes on and on.

To me that kind of behavior should be given a big consequence. However, how we define big and small is another matter. I just wonder how others handle it.

I read recently on uncommon parenting site and apparently "time out" is not anymore a tool recommended. I wish I knew what they recommend, I have not gone far enough to find out.

[Michah]

Do you call him a loser or a jerk? No? I thought not......You could kindly point out that seeing as you do not use those terms when addressing him, he could kindly not use them with you.

There are words in our house that are forbidden when addressing each other....."stupid", any swearing, derogatory comments and my worst word that makes my skin crawl - "shut up".

Maybe the next time your son calls you a jerk, live up to it and take away something of his or prevent him from attending something important to him. Respect is paramount in any household.

"If you say I am a jerk then watch me live up to it.......when you see how miserable you will be when I am actually a jerk, maybe you will appreciate it when I am not" Hah!!!

Sorry if I sound like a bit of a hard *** but thats the way I see it.......Good luck!

[Bleeding_Rose]

Originally Posted by reach

I need to work out ways to handle our present situations and have a few things which I still have not come to decision yet.

I think I take one thing at a time for now. What I need is your advice on this one. What has worked for you and what has not?

Thanks for your input. The question is :

What do you do when your child calls you name like "You're a loser", "You are a jerk"

I think that maybe you should just try to talk him/her. Maybe there's something wrong or something that's been bothering them. Or maybe you should just try disciplining the kid. I mean seriously, parents that never spanked their child get teens who think they can do anything they want or do drugs or drink. I know I'm not the perfect child, but still. If I said that to my mom/grandma/grandpa I'd get grounded or slapped.

[AAAAA]

I would agree that talking to him seems the best suggestion. Let him know that those words are hurtful and he wouldn't like it if someone said that to him.

It is a pretty important life lesson to learn that just because we're frustrated, hurt or angry that does not give us permission to hurt others. Try to explain to him that insults do not help the situation, only make it worse. If he has something to say about a situation he does not like he has to verbalize it in a productive manner, this one shuts down the lines of communication.

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by reach

I read recently on uncommon parenting site and apparently "time out" is not anymore a tool recommended.
I wish I knew what they recommend, I have not gone far enough to find out.

When it comes to parenting I would use what works with "YOUR KIDS" and that "YOU are COMFORTABLE WITH" - maybe try taking away his favorite pass time, game or best friend the next time he does it?

What ever you use..... just remember that CONSISTENCY is the key.

Can I ask how old he is ?

[reach]

Originally Posted by Michah

Do you call him a loser or a jerk? No? I thought not......You could kindly point out that seeing as you do not use those terms when addressing him, he could kindly not use them with you.

There are words in our house that are forbidden when addressing each other....."stupid", any swearing, derogatory comments and my worst word that makes my skin crawl - "shut up".

Maybe the next time your son calls you a jerk, live up to it and take away something of his or prevent him from attending something important to him. Respect is paramount in any household.

"If you say I am a jerk then watch me live up to it.......when you see how miserable you will be when I am actually a jerk, maybe you will appreciate it when I am not" Hah!!!

Sorry if I sound like a bit of a hard *** but thats the way I see it.......Good luck!

No definitely not - I think it is horrible to call your kids or any of your family members a jerk or loser. It has to be real bad to justify that.

It seems that taking away his computer time does not bother him a real lot. Even after time out - he will do it again anyway the next time around. Just wonder is there a way where we could complete eliminate it. It's way over the top for a kid to call his parent(s) that.

I over heard one of his cartoon on TV - someone was calling another a loser (in a casual way). He only watches TV once a week in the morning. Sometimes you just don't know what is good for them to watch anymore. Wish there is an easy way to find out.

Thanks for all your feedbacks.

[reach]

Originally Posted by Tishie

Can I ask how old he is ?

He is 9 years old.

Personaly this is what I would do.

Your hands are tied to a certain extent because your husband is not backing you up, so I would point this out to my husband and then tell him that as of today he is going to be looking after my son most of the time, that includes any problems at school any problems at home any problems with neighbours you name it then its his problem to deal with, untill he decides to get with the programme and back you up......

[reach]

Originally Posted by Tishie

Personaly this is what I would do.

Your hands are tied to a certain extent because your husband is not backing you up, so I would point this out to my husband and then tell him that as of today he is going to be looking after my son most of the time, that includes any problems at school any problems at home any problems with neighbours you name it then its his problem to deal with, untill he decides to get with the programme and back you up......

ooh, I like that. get some steam off my chest.

Anyway, I am in the stage of getting down all the consequences from light to heavy for various offenses. Also someone suggested sticker rewarding systems for good behaviors which can be used to off set lost privileges. After that I would talk to my husband to get his agreement. And thereafter tell the kids our plan very clearly. Best to have them all written down so there will be no dispute later.

Thanks everyone - always happy to hear your suggestion if there is any more.

[lynn P.]

Hi Tishie,
the first thing you should do is not take it personal or get angry. He probably hears this all the time at school so find out where he's getting this. It's amazing the kind of things they hear at school. Then you should make it clear that this is an unacceptable way to talk to you and if he is upset he needs speak about his feeling in a more respectful fashion. If it happens again then he needs to know there will be consequences if he does so. Good luck. By the way I have 2 girls ages & & 11.

[reach]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Hi Tishie,
the first thing you should do is not take it personal or get angry. He probably hears this all the time at school so find out where he's getting this. It's amazing the kind of things they hear at school. Then you should make it clear that this is an unacceptable way to talk to you and if he is upset he needs speak about his feeling in a more respectful fashion. If it happens again then he needs to know there will be consequences if he does so. Good luck. By the way I have 2 girls ages & & 11.

You are so right. Thanks I think that is a very wise way of handling it.

[Safron]

I agree with lynn P. This is something he has picked up at school. Personally I would let him know that it is unacceptable behaviour especially at home, make him apologise and if he refuses then it’s time to take away some privileges. You might also encourage your husband to deal with it more constructively.

[wanttoheal]

Also, if you can turn it to a positive reinforcement rather than a negative one, it helps.

Definitely getting support and talking to son about it is great. Maybe a reward program for saying/doing nice/positive things. My children responded better to getting than losing. When we concentrated more on the positive, the negative became less. Just a thought.

Best of luck with this and please let us know how it goes.