Teenagers & Sex

If you found out that your teenage child was having sex would you call the parents of the other teenager?

Wow.. Hmm..
I think it would depend on the teenager, and the situation.. tons of things. I couldn't decide without knowing more of the situation. So i picked maybe.

I would tell, if it was my son or daughter I would want to know and assume the parents of the other child would want to know too.

It depends on early teen or late teen. I will likely tell especially if it's early teens but I will first seek the advice of a counselor and decide how to approach it. Tell or not tell, I will want to speak seriously with both kids and insist they attend counseling.

In this state you have to be very careful. Any sexual contact before the age of 18 is illegal. It's quite a long story but if they're caught they can end up on the sexual offender list for the rest of their lives. They normally only prossecute when there is a teen pregnancy (unless there is a parental complaint) but I personally know of three people on the sexual offender list that I don't think deserve to be there. I'd like to think I would be able to call and discuss this with the other parents like civilized adults but I would hate to think of either child ending up on that list. The catagories are so very vague. One single catagory can be anything from an unwanted pass, underaged child having sex or rape with the victim being above 13 years of age.

That is my concern too.... as one of the teens is 18 while the other is just 15 and there is reasonable cause to think they may have become sexual after dating for three months, but not confirmed.

I know a young man that went to prison for two years because he was 21 when he had sex with a 16 year old girl.... her mother complained / pressed charges even though she allowed them to date in the first place... and I think it is wrong that he got convicted and deemed a child molester for the rest of his life as I feel that a 16 yr old is not a child and knows better.

(((Rap))) I don't envy your position. A friend's son 15 was dating an older girl 17. They were caught on tape with her performing oral sex on him. The girl's mother threw a fit, wanted to get the boy in trouble. The police warned her that as she was the older of the two and the one actually performing the act it was she that would get in the most trouble.

In another case when a male co-worker was 19 he was dating a 17 year old girl, she got pregnant and he is now a registered sex offender. I do think there's a difference between a sexual preditor and a hormonal teenager. The list means nothing anymore, I don't know who's dangerous and who just made a mistake. A boy my daughter goes to college with was drinking one night, was walking back to the campus and had to pee, he went behind a bush. In the meantime the police stopped and talked to his friends and caught him peeing behind the bush. His case is quite bad, there happened to be a small private school within so many feet of him relieving himself so he was charged with exposing himself in the vicinity of an elementary school. It was 2:00 am for crying out loud! The case did prompt the DA in my home county to declare that if you had to go you had to go, as long as you're not exposing yourself to anyone (ie going behind a bush) and not getting any sexual gratification he would dismiss any case. This did not help the young man in question, he has to register as a class B offender (worse than other cases) for the rest of his life.

I think if it was my child, and I've had this conversation with all of my children, I'd explain the gravity of the situation. My gut response was that 15 is entirely too young, however I could and did pass for 21 at 15. Not always intentionally. I developed quite young and was always mistaken for much much older.

What do you think you're going to do?

Honestly... at first thought I felt like it was not my place to get involved in another persons sex life - even if they are teenagers.

I started having sex at sixteen, after dating for six months, with an eighteen year old and having my parents find out I was sexual was not going to stop us.... and I am glad to say that we are still together 25 years later.

This is a hard one for sure - I say talk to the teenagers and my husband says talk to the parents.... a hard one for sure.

P.S.
I know both teenagers are educated on safe sex.

hmm, if one of the kids aren't one of your own that's a tough one. My daughter was quite horrified that I had the sex chat with all of her friends boys and girls when they were about 16. But they did come to me with questions and concerns. I think if it were me I'd speak to the boy. He's the one that's going to get into the most trouble. I don't know what state you live in, but the youngest concent age I've heard of is 16. So if they are having sex, statutory rape is a definate concern.

i voted yes

I just looked up the age of consent in the United States, listed by state because I was pretty sure there is at least one with the age of 14. I was right, Arkansas, Iowa, and Indiana all list 14 as age of consent for sex, and 16 for marriage. Colorado is 15 and 16. "Traveling citizens", USA lists 12! I have no idea what traveling citizens means exactly, but whatever it means, 12 is too young! So is 14.

I voted "maybe". In order for me to talk to the other teenagers parents, I would have to be absolutely certain that the teen would not be in any sort of danger afterward. It was not an issue in my house, but that type of info coming to my parents when I was a teen would have landed me in the hospital...at minimum. It wasn't an issue because I had no friends...let alone bf's!

Well, I'm 19 but I'll pretend I'm older. It'd depend on the age of the kid and possibly what they did. If it's a late teen, then no. It's going to happen at around that time anyways, so might as well let it. Although if the kid didn't use a condom and admitted to that, then I'd considering telling because I wouldn't want some nonsense of dealing with a baby that I have no interest in.

I'm not a parent, but teenagers tend to have sex. It's just the nature of reality. It is perfectly natural for them to desire to, due to biology, and thus, many of them do. I don't think they are going to stop just because their parents don't like the idea. You can advise them, but that's about it. Hopefully they will make good choices, and if they have sex, hopefully, you have taught them about safe sex, and hopefully, they will listen. I would not advise telling their parents, as their parents might handle it badly and it could be very emotionally upsetting for the teenager. Personally, had someone caught me having sex as a teen and told my mother, it would have upset me VERY BADLY emotionally. I would be riddled with embarassment, shame, guilt, depression, anger, anxiety, etc. I am not saying I would stop having sex. I am saying it would send me into an emotional rollercoaster, and not to trigger anyone, but I probably would have SI'd. To me sex is very personal, and it is not something I want my parents to know about. My sex life is something I think my parents shouldn't have intimate knowledge of. And my mother and I were NEVER open about sex. We are just not comfortable talking about that sort of thing. Until recent years, talking about my period with her made me uncomfortable, even though I could tell men about it. I have just been taught to be ashamed of sexuality within my family and so I don't like discussing that. Also, please consider not only the emotional number it will do on the kid, but who knows how the parents will react! They could make the child have a very unhealthy view of sexuality AND themselves because of it. They could even become verbally or physically abusive over it, or get really controlling, overprotective, etc. and forbid the child to ever leave the house. I mean, it's just not a good idea to tell parents something that get so many people so upset (many people freak out over their kids having premarital sex, to an irrational degree and may get really angry and unreasonable) when you have no idea if that parent is abusive or not, when you have no idea how sensitive the kid is to this type of thing, and when it is extremely common and even natural and normal for teens to be doing this, even if it's not advised, and when the truth is, they will likely continue to do it, anyway. This probably will not stop them if they really want to have sex. I know people whose parents flipped on them over having sex as teenagers- and they never stopped having sex. Also, some parents don't want to know. One person I knew told me that they knew their children would eventually have sex, and that they knew thier kids were informed about safe sex, and they just hoped their kids would have safe sex, and make good choices, but that they really didn't want to know when their kids had sex and they also weren't going to tell their kids whenever they had sex, either. It was a personal thing you didn't tell such close relatives about. You knew they would, they knew you did, but you didn't discuss it because it was private.

I'm not passing judgement here, but I would like to say just because it's common doesn't make it right. And if you think you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to deal with the consequences, which may include a lecture from your mother. If any behavior would make you feel shame if your mother should find out, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

I'm very open minded. I've educated my own children and most of their friends about sexual matters. They know they can come to me or their father for condoms, birth control or questions; and they do. I'm very proud of them for it. I don't want any graphic details any more than they'd like graphic details of their father and my sex life.

These days in many states this is a criminal matter that will follow them for the rest of their lives, I don't think this is right but that's the way it is. As for biology, just because we have impulses does not mean we should act upon them, it's what seperates us from animals.

Well, I typed a HUGE response and it all got erased AGAIN. I might type a similar lengthy reply later, but for now, I'll say something far shorter. I agree that just because it is common doesn't make it right, and certainly we can choose to ignore natural instinct. That much we can agree on.

With that said, "shame" doesn't always imply you did something wrong or you aren't ready to make a decision. In fact, I could name a handful of situations in which this isn't true off the top of my head (and did in my lengthier post that got erased....*frowns*). Plus, some people even feel ashamed of things they had no control over, such as many young girls being ashamed when they get their periods due to being raised in a culture of shame.

On top of this, I'm in my mid 20's (by my age, my sis was married with two kids), but no matter what my age, I would prob. always feel embarassed for my mother to know about my sex life. I know other people, twice my age, who feel the same, but that doesn't mean none of us should ever have sex. We have various reasons for feeling ashamed, and not necessarily because we truly feel we've done wrong. So, I wouldn't go so far as to say, if it makes you feel shame, it is an automatic sign you shouldn't be doing it. I think it's a bit more complicated than that in some cases.

But my point isn't really even to debate whether it's okay for teens to engage in sex. My point was simply that, many teens do have sex whether wrong, right, or neutral, and if mid-older teens want to have sex, they're going to find a way unless you never let them have any freedom, which is unhealthy, in my opinion (I have seen it in others with some serious repurcussions).... and telling their families could do more harm than good in many situations. There might be exceptions, but as a general rule, I think it's best to bite your tongue, or talk to the kids. As for legalities, it is a cause for concern, but it depends on the age of the two teens and the state they are in.

No, it was not my intention to debate either. For the purposes of this thread, I think of teens as being 17 and younger. I was married and had a baby at 18, my husband and I fully supported all of our children (he was 19).

I understand that some parents give their children an unhealthy attitude toward sex and that is really sad. As I said, I am very open with my children and I started from the time when they were small (everything age appropriate of course) so that they would be more comfortable with the topic. I also made sure that they knew that there were other people they could talk to, my husband has a brother and sister much younger than us and I made sure my daughter knew she could talk to her Aunt and my sons could talk to their uncle if they were uncomfortable talking to us.

I live in a state that takes underaged sex very seriously, the age of consent here is 18. They seem to believe (and I do not agree) that this will somehow cut down on teen pregnancies and unwed mothers on welfare. This does add a very serious consequence that cannot be taken lightly.

Or it may include being thrown out of the house, being severely beaten, or even being considered "fair game" for sexual abuse in or even out of the home. These are things people don't like to think about, or even consider part of every day reality. But this IS reality for many, many kids and teens.

Talk to the kid/teen involved (not just your own child). They've made an adult decision, treat them that way. Whether or not they are actually adult is not the issue. Automatically running to the other parent(s), in my opinion, does a couple things. The first is, it teaches the kids/teens involved that you (and other adults by default) can not be trusted! Completely undermining any openness you have fostered. Whatever the reaction of the other parents, you very well may firmly shut a door by doing that. The other is as I stated above. Horrific abuse is every where, it is hidden well, and it is deadly. I was not kidding or exaggerating in my first post on this thread. My arm was broken when I missed curfew by 5 minutes...I don't want to even think about what would have happened had I been having sex and had some parent tell my parents!

You bring up another dangerous point. If parents are willing to do this to their own children, what are they going to do to my child if he's the one having sex with you. My first priority is to protect my own children. They do have a couple of friends who have parents that should have never had kids. While their friends are welcome at our house, my kids are never allowed to go there.

when my sister was 17 she went to my mom and asked for birth control. my mom refused because she thought it would condoning premarital sex even though my sister flat out said "im having sex anyways, so you might as well keep me safe". so then....my sister gets pregnant using a condom. so i figured my mom would be more open to me using birth control and both my parents told me "if you ever become sexually active talk to me and we will take you to the obgyn to keep you safe"

so when i turned 16 i asked my dad and he refused. my mom refused as well. so at 16 i had to go to the obgyn by myself and pay for my own birth control because my parents were in denial about it. and when my mom got the insurance statement saying they covered my visit she flipped on me.

i was trying everything in my power to be responsible and my parents were not encouraging that even though i think it speaks to my level of maturity at age 16 to do all that on my own. i think a lot of times kids try to do the right thing but a lot of parents force the topic of sex to be uncomfortable on their children. my parents NEVER spoke to me about sex growing up. None of us got "the talk" ever so I had this undeserved feeling of embarassment about my own body, and still do to some extent. I think if parents want their kids to be responsible then they need to talk about it openly. tell you what, after growing up in my household, I'll be talking to my kids about sex from the time they speak their first word. the fact that parents ignore it is a HUGE reason kids do this stupid stuff in the first place.