Kids

My daughter and I just had an arguement. She wants to rent a house off campus next year (she'll be a junior in college). She's like a dog with a bone, no reasoning with her! It's going to cost at LEAST $300 a month more to live off campus, and that doesn't even factor in the extra food, gas, interent, laundry facilities or the million other things that you don't think about when you get your first home. Not to mention the extra 3 months of rent she'll be required to pay when she's not living there.

Although she started working when she was 14 and works on all vacations a "part-time" job in her college town is not an option for many reasons. 1) She has a really good work ethic and when asked to work extra shifts she always did, she can't say no. She violated every state law there is working too many hours, wrong hours etc. Worked at least 40 hours a week. 2) Her major requires many hours of extra "volunteer" work and TAing. Especially as an upper classman, the expectation doubles each year. She's on an excellent track getting into the grad school of her choice because of the work she's done so far. 3) We all know that when you are burning the candle at that many ends something will have to give, she gets scholarships because of her grades and if they slip that will end up costing us more money for tuition.

It's not just the money either. She lives on a very secure campus, not only do they have their own police department but this college has one of the largest criminal justice programs in the state. Part of the requirement of the program is foot patrols and escorts. Everywhere you look there is a call box with camera and two-way radio. Response time is minutes. They've actually worked it out so that if you haven't called ahead for an escort, you hit that button and someone is talking to you and can see you immediately and until your escort arrives. This can be used for basic car trouble as well, flat tire, dead battery etc.

But. . . they have to make their own mistakes, get their own experience? We're always wiser because we've lived longer, if nothing else. But that doesn't transfer exactly.

I'd set ground rules, let her give it a try? If she's doing well she might be able to make it work, won't know unless she tries? She's 20 years old, not a teen anymore. . .

what I wanted to say has pretty much been said

Thanks so much for responding Perna, and that's exactly what she said.

Actually she still is a teen, she graduated from school early. She won't be 20 until next October. Which is another problem, her classmates are older than she, both of the girls that she's planning on living with are over the age of 21. If they have a party with her present, she gets and Minor in Possession whether she's been drinking or not. This ticket then goes on her driving record (for reasons that escape me) and the cost of insurance would mean she loses her driving privledges until hell freezes over.

I understand that she needs to make her own mistakes, but we left her a great deal of money at the beginning of the school year, thinking it would last her until spring break. She had managed so well the year before, we gave it to her in a lump sum. When she came home at Christmas she was broke, she went through it all and had not even done her Christmas shopping.

Now this would have been a lesson she could learn and I would still feel comfortable that she'd still have all of her basic needs met. She'd have to manage until Spring Break with no money in her pocket except the money she earned working over Christmas Break. We purchased a meal plan that includes various on campus resturants, coffee shops and even a student C store that carries toiletries and cleaning supplies. She'd have to walk to her classes or take the on campus bus. I was thwarted however, she now has credit cards, grrrrrrrr! NOT the lesson I wanted her to learn!

We just don't have the extra money to give her for such a huge increase in living expenses. I was so disappointed in her lack of research on the subject. When she brought it up earlier this year we asked her very specific questions such as what do we pay now for housing, what are the average utility bills in the area, etc. The campus is in a northern climate and the heating bills can be more than rent. I know she heard me because the house they're looking at has heat and water included. I know the answers to those questions, I just wanted her to figure it out too. I would have been happy if she'd just told me the difference between the cost of her housing and the anticipated rent. But she didn't even do that, it wouldn't be that hard for her to figure out, the bill for tuition and housing is emailed to her, all she had to do was look at it and divide by the appropriate months. If she can't do that basic research how in the heck is she ready to set up a house and manage those funds?

LOL Sorry Kaika, I took so long answering Perna that I didn't see your response.

I could agree with you about all the impracticalities of staying outside of campus but does she know this and does she knows it clearly in her head what she is getting into.

She is over 18 and could make decision on her own without your approval. However, on your part, you have the right not to support her financially other than what you approve of.

On the other hand as parents we want to maintain good relationships with our kids therefore have to be very mindful to handle the situation tactfully.

It might help if she could see the list of disadvantages living outside of campus. Put all the costs involved in details and all the inconveniences and security issues concern (plus the possibility of getting into minor in possession and all the subsequent hassles it brings)

I am sure she would have a list of advantages for you and it's good to be open to that. You both could sit down and look through them.

In any case, if I am the one paying for her, then I will be the one to decide where she stays. However, if she insists to move out, I will not stop her but I will not pay more than what I have budgeted for her under my preferred arrangement.

My daughter (age 12) has been asking for a mobile phone. I told her if she wants one, she will have to be the one to do research and provide me with the cost and plan. Only from then, I will look further into it and decides. As long as that is not done, there will be no further action.

I think if you intend to support her financially, you have the right to insist on research and feedback before you take it further. Even if she is paying for herself, it helps to encourage her to do all that as this is part of life skills.

Lastly, if she still persist, perhaps it's good to let her try it out and see for herself but I definitely refrain from enabling her or bill her out of any situations. In fact it would be a good idea to address that before issues come out. Be clear about how far you would go and let her know where you would draw the line.

I would point out to her that you cant afford to help her in any way shape or form and is she persist in going in this direction then she will have to support herself totaly.

She is now nineteen and is getting to the point where she has to learn for herself and by helping her out financialy you would be shielding her from her poor decision making, as parents we are all tempted to do this with our children we bail them out of their problems financialy, my feeling is if they are old enough to disregard your advice they are old enough to cope with the consequences (sp is up the wall a bit today) ......

I fully understand why she wants to get out of the dorms, not exactly clear why she doesn't want an on campus apartment as her scholarships would transfer to that housing.

Well we've been hashing it out via email. Her father and I have agreed to continue paying what we have been paying and she plans on getting a second job this summer to make up the difference. I know that they will rehire her at McDonalds for a second job as they call her every time she's home to see if she'll cover for someone.

Her father and I still are not happy about this but we really don't have any choice in the matter. She is an adult but she's not as independent as she thinks she is.

When you are paying for it you do have some right to what where and when they do it if they dont like that then they shouldnt take money from you.

(((AAAA))))))) you may find she will change her mind. Have her write it all down the money part. So she will see what she will have to pay. Plus have her figure at least one person will drop out of the Apt at some point. So they will have to figure that out. It is hard to give kids thier wings. I know you are a good mom.
Trying talking to her when everyone can be calm about it.
Also explain if she does this, how you feel about it. Also it makes her responsable for her life then.
I hope all works out for both of you.
muffy