[Gayle7]

There's so little activity on this subject, but I hope someone out there might have some insight.

I'm just about convinced that my sister has Borderline Personality and Histrionic personality. I don't make the statement lightly. As a family member, I see the rapid and intense mood changes (BPD), the splitting (BPD), the inability to participate unless the event is dramatic (H), creation of intense and threatening dramatic life challenges (H), the constant need for upheaval (H) and both the non-functional life patterns and the ongoing seeking of attention and support far out of proportion to typical human requirements.

My question: how do I frame statements of support to her without feeding the drama? Suggesting alternatives are met with vehement rejection, regardless of how simple or viable they are. Nodding and expressing sympathy only seems to encourage more unloading and attempting to draw me into the escalating chaos. Walking away protects me for the moment, but turns me into a target for "abandoning" her in her hour of need (which is so often it's the norm). I love her, and I want to be the best me I can be for us both, but this pattern of loving/hating me, needing/resenting me, entertaining/rejecting me makes me so weary. By my mere existance I seem to be a target of such powerful emotions, and nothing I do is right. She seeks me out and apparently it's my role to "talk her down", but I sure get bruised up doing it. Many of her appeal/attack sessions leave me bone tired just trying to contain the emotion and not react or get verbally abused, and not allow her to escalate to a state of suicidal ideation.

What HAS worked to contain emotion:
Silence and active listening
Non-committal statements (uh-huh. Oh!)
"Sandwiching": "You know I love you. Because I love you, I really feel compelled to point out.... I hope you see that this is coming from a place of compassion in me"
Questions "what do you plan to do about that?" "Is that working for you?" "Do you have an alternate plan?"
Lessons about the biology of stress (cortisol and sleep architecture, etc)
Distraction (humor, tangential observations, analogies that point in a different direction, etc)
Not reacting to direct personal attacks
Accepting that the situation is out of the norm and is part of her dysfunction - trying to understand without blaming
Protecting my boudndaries and expresing them firmly but gently

What has NOT worked during a new drama or venture:
Trying to examine what coud go wrong
Direct refutation of the catastrophic nature of the event
Suggesting alternatives
Trying to dismiss or diminish the importance of it
Attempting logical examination of the events leading to the drama

I'm tired, and with each new event I back out a little more emotionally in order to preserve my own sanity. Because we live together, it's an almost daily thing, and some of the tiredness comes from having to walk the tightrope of caring without getting drawn in every day. I feel I'm doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances, but I'm not sure.

Thanks for the forum to unload a bit, and to think out load in a safe space. I don't want to "fix" her. It's beyond me, and too close to even be possible or safe to attempt. I do want to survive this without damaging either of us. Any perspectives would be welcome.

~Gayle

[Apocryphal]

I know this won't be of much help but it sounds as though you have found what works the best. maybe if you focus on doing them and trying not to do the things that don't work. Just be there when she falls. I know that sounds easy and I know it is not so. Have you tried talking to her about seeing someone? A doctor prahaps could help?
You are obviously a very caring person she is lucky to have you there for her even if at times she does not appear to appreciate you I'm sure she does.

[Gayle7]

Thank you for the reply. I have delicately suggested assessment to her more than once over the years. She refuses to consider it, and resents me for saying she might need help. I sure wish I could engage the help of a professional on this. The closest I get is unloading on my own therapist regularly. Bless her to bits. And thanks for the chance to unload here.

~Gayle