[honeybee777]

The persona I present on a daily basis was created for world and acceptence, and it's customer service based lol It's a more upbeat version of myself; I'm cheerful, I smile constantly, I'm warm, open, charming. It was devised to ensure I have the attention I needed, survivalistic. It was inspired by my family's model of how I should behave, outgoing and welcoming. I'm actually quite introverted and dark by nature. Somewhere along the way, it completely meshed with my personality. Perhaps I kept up the act because I enjoyed the positive way that people began to respond to me.

I don't really know who I am anymore. I know that I smile when I'm unhappy, and force myself to always present a positive image. I'm actually quite tired of this charade, it's draining.

The men I go out with before, I would end up despising them. I do everything to attract them. I tailor everything to them, my words, outfits, moods. So of course they fall for me, but once I would have them, I drop the act. Not really consciously but by this point, I'm tired. I begin believing their words, "I love you for who you are". So I begin to be "myself". I'm actually moody, very high maintaince, and emotional. They react, "What's wrong with you"?, calling me words like "moody", and expressing their dislike of my change. I would hate them. They only like me when I'm in HPD mode. I feel like they've lied to me, but have I lied to them too?

I don't know. I guess my question is how do I find someone that likes my "real self", even in friendships with man or women although I don't really know what that is. Someone who understands that sometimes I don't like to leave my house (sometimes I'm kinda avoidant), when i walk in a room its on!!!! But i barley leave the house now lOL

I don't know. I know why I would before attract the wrong type of guys.