[honeybee777]

Ive found this very interesting post, again this is not about me but i found it interesting, and Im going to make our HPD forum interesting!!!!!



I have been following these posts for months, trying to understand a woman I love very much, but am starting to realize the love affair is over. I can't continue to live this way. I will try to be concise in giving our background, but there is so much... then on to my question, which perplexes me.

We met 2 years ago, both divorced for a couple years from long marriages with a long history of problems with our mates, but both saw it through for our children. From the first meeting, our relationship was textbook to everything I have read here over the past few months. She was beautiful, smart, very personable, and I guess in looking back to it now, a little too personable in the first meeting, and eager. I was overwhelmed with her attention, flattery and seemingly genuine attraction to me and from that day forward we fell madly in love. She was the most wonderful woman I have ever met, in every way. I absolutely could not get enough of her. Fun, loving, attentive, great sex, engaging.

Looking at it now I see it was my jokes, my conversation, my likes and dislikes she focused on. She never offered much, even when asked too. Unless it was talking about her previous marriage, kids, work. She played to everything about me as though enthralled with me (talk about ego booster), but today, that is almost non-existent.

The relationship moved very quickly, probably too quickly, almost in a fog. A few months into the relationship, I knew I had found my soul mate, a truly perfect love. (how many times have you heard that one huh?) I asked her to marry me, she was excited and said yes, and I can honestly say now that was almost the day things started to go downhill.

I am not going to air her or my dirty laundry in detail, but she had been terribly emotionally abused by her ex for many years (she claims, most likely a strong NPD from her accounts of things and his control of her) and still struggles with lingering severe emotional effects and resentments. In knowing her now, I cannot discount that she was probably a handful for him as well, and a lot more of their collective troubles than she would ever admit too. I know she didn't get this way overnight. It seems her emotional issues were more and more prevalent in our lives. I started finding out she had had serious emotional problems since her divorce as well, to the point of depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. Always her ex's fault though, she was the pure victim. I now doubt that.

Within 6-7 months into our relationship the problems started. Emotional phone calls, fear of our relationship, strange excuses for things that just seemed like out and out bullsh**t, irrational thinking, accusations, and this woman could create doubt like no other. Things just didn't seem right, but I would write them off as my overreaction to my ex's affects on me. The guard was up, so to speak.

I would always give her the benefit of the doubt (a polite way of saying turn a blind eye), after all this woman was wonderful in every way. AND, now catch this one, AND she was a devout Christian, so, surely she would not lie, cheat, manipulate me or arrange questionable situations. I started noticing that she almost always seemed too familiar with people she just met and every friend of hers was the dearest. Almost phony. She had so many "last minute" lunches or dinners with girlfriends where "she just called and wants us to meet", yet I rarely ever actually heard her get one of these calls when we were together. Always seemed to be when I was going to have something else to do, or had to be away a day or so. Always texting, god knows who. Would turn her phone off many times and spend time in the bathroom later retrieving messages. Way too secretive about things. Later in the relationship I found e-mails from several men she had conversed with online, and a few since we met. Always had an excuse why it was so innocent, but I DO know better now unknown to her.

Then over some off the wall emotional reasoning and out of the blue, she suddenly had to end things with us after 7 months. She couldn't cope with a relationship right now, she wasn't ready, afraid I would just leave her, blah blah blah. This was the first of several "build and destroy" episodes we have went through since, almost every 3 months or so. It has been a parade of heartbreak. In each she becomes totally silent, cold, distant, almost dead like and each time I had to be the one to try to initiate things to patch things up, and usually after several days or a couple weeks, through emails, crying phone calls, etc...we would make-up, and things would seem wonderful again. Until her next issue, and there was always a new issue, or repeat of one. I have to admit, I had a couple of my own in regards to things that would happen and the lying.

More and more I started catching the lies (antenna up), the exaggerations, the twisted thinking process. She would tell me something one day, and contradict it a couple days later. This happened a lot. Her memory was horrible, that's what gave her away at times. There were times I think she was lying just for the sake of it. Needlessly! If confronted by any of it, she would immediately erupt, and most likely it would lead to another break and several day "silent treatment". I am fairly sure now that with each break and silence period, she was finding her source elsewhere, and that a few of these fabricated breaks were as well to nurture some other "fan club" member. I didn't see it then, I could not fathom such actions from her. Not my beautiful, sophisticated, loving Christian fiance!

Well, I could go on, there is so much more, so much. Build/destroy, such a perfect phrase for the act. Following this site for the past few months off and on, trying to find answers and putting our failing relationship in perspective, I have finally resigned to the fact, after a recent indignation and another hurtful episode, that this has to be over.

So, I finally joined here. Why? Because I know over the next few months, or more, I will be suffering to no end losing this woman. As much as I don't like her for things she does now, I honestly and completely loved her, and wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her. This pain I fell now, and the total humiliation of being so completely fooled by this good Christian has literally shattered my soul, and I really don't know I will ever recover from her based on the pain that now shoots through every part of me. I thought I knew heartbreak in my life, but in this I know now I hadn't come close. Like many of you here, I would give everything I have to correct this, or her, or find help for her and us, but without going through each and every point, there is no doubt in my mind this woman is total HPD. the things she has said, her unresponsive emotions to things that should raise anyone's emotions, the lies, distortions, excuses, blank stares when confronted, emotional disconnect from real emotional circumstances, etc. There is always an air of hiding something with her. Secret calls, last minute errands or plan changes. Always initiated by someone else of course.

Wow, I didn't intend to go on so. Shame is, I only touched the surface, so many more instances, small and large.

Ok, now for my question. have any of you had to deal with a devout Christian HPD before, or no of one? How can that be? Are the two not in complete contradiction to the other? I know this is not an act for her. She deeply believes she is devout. Yes, she can be wonderful in bed when she chooses, and I have seen signs of her using her ability as a tool. She is very sensual when she wants to be, and dresses not overly sexy, but in a desirable fashion. Kinda understated sexuality. Very well groomed and concerned with her looks. She is beautiful as I said, and a nice body as well.

There are so many contradictions in things she says and does with her Christianity, but I firmly believe she believes she is a Christian in her mind and heart, and she practices her religion faithfully. We have had to cut trips short or plan weekend events around her being home to go to her church Sunday. She also attends bible classes, although not as regular because of scheduling conflicts at times. I attend Sunday services with her most of the time when I am there, and she has made it known she expects me to join the church someday. I might someday, but on my terms and when I find it in me. I am not atheist or anything. I have just never been one for organized religion. She has made this an "escape" reasoning a couple times in our build/destroy. But, I am respectful of her beliefs and have NEVER asked her to alter or disregard them. I go with her out of respect for her and her feelings, and I do give the pastor a listen, and who knows, like I said, someday, when I am ready. But, not good enough for her.

So, help me folks. I have not read any other posts addressing this conundrum and I am totally confused. How can the two co-exist inside someone? Which is real? Can they both be real?

Thank you for the platform everyone. I don't know where else to turn to find these kind of answers. All of you seem to be the most experienced and knowledgeable of this scourge than anywhere else I have found. Thanks for being here.