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Default Jun 20, 2020 at 09:56 PM
  #1
I was just there! I am in an IOP program, and nearing the end. If I am distracted than I'm okay, but if I sit down and think, then all hell breaks out. And I'm sitting down. My feet hurt. And that darn channel is on TV!!!! I'm wanting to be upstairs, but my room has a smell from using goof off for some tape residue. And I can't stand the smell.

T brought up hospitalization, and I had to contract for safety.
Possible trigger:


I tried going to another town and state. But I had to return home. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in my head. Where else can I be?

I am overwhelmed by the amount of change that needs the happen. And I'm terrified! I don't want to go inpaitent. But I'm concerned. I haven't told my parents yet, and I live with them, despite being an adult! I just feel hopeless!
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Default Jun 21, 2020 at 11:53 AM
  #2
IF your T suggests it, then I would go with that. I sounds like you are really struggling and being inpatient might help you settle down.
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Default Jun 21, 2020 at 01:52 PM
  #3
The hard part is whenever I go in, my physical state declines. I got out of a boot two weeks ago, and I would have to walk barefoot, and I know that would cause more pain. I'd be bored and not know what to do, and that could break me down farther. I am scared about a lot, including the decision to go in. I don't know if more pain would help me right now, if the virus wasn't around then I may take myself in, but since it's in, I don't want to go back.

I'm doing a bit better. Getting out of the state in the USA helped. Even if it was just for the afternoon. Today I am focusing on writing and learning, and taking time to let my mind relax, and increase my self-care. I feel lonely and I am scared to go back to work tomorrow to work with one client. I"m already overwhelmed, and I don't need that but I need the money.

I agree I do need to settle down.
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Default Jun 21, 2020 at 02:52 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by puzzclar View Post
The hard part is whenever I go in, my physical state declines. I got out of a boot two weeks ago, and I would have to walk barefoot, and I know that would cause more pain. I'd be bored and not know what to do, and that could break me down farther. I am scared about a lot, including the decision to go in. I don't know if more pain would help me right now, if the virus wasn't around then I may take myself in, but since it's in, I don't want to go back.

I'm doing a bit better. Getting out of the state in the USA helped. Even if it was just for the afternoon. Today I am focusing on writing and learning, and taking time to let my mind relax, and increase my self-care. I feel lonely and I am scared to go back to work tomorrow to work with one client. I"m already overwhelmed, and I don't need that but I need the money.

I agree I do need to settle down.

Hey, so I'm not sure if you've tried meditation or mindfulness or guided relaxation exercises before, but that might help you achieve some calm.

I'm not saying that's the only thing to do in order to feel better. It's a part of a holistic approach to getting to a steady, stable mind state. But I wonder if that might help you. There are some guided meditations on YouTube that are free and some that cost. I've been using an app called Insight Timer lately and it has some good meditations.

Once again, I'm not trying to downplay any mental health symptoms you're having, and if you're seriously considering
Possible trigger:
, might be best to go IP. But if you can handle these thoughts and the way you're feeling, and you think going IP would just make you feel worse, then don't go IP. Going IP is hard on all of us. Sounds like it's hard for you too. It is like a break from the real world. Which is good sometimes, but it definitely has its drawbacks.

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Default Jun 23, 2020 at 08:02 AM
  #5
If you do go inpatient could you get some kind of physical support for your leg/foot like bandages or a splint? Have you ever taken a coloring book and pencils to alleviate the boredom but also help to distract you?

Hope you feel better soon.
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Default Jun 23, 2020 at 09:15 AM
  #6
If you are required to wear a boot per your doctor, I don’t see how they can force you to go barefoot.
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Default Jun 23, 2020 at 10:20 AM
  #7
I have been out of the boot for two week. I don't want the pain of walking in a boot again, puts my hips off and creates pain.

Yes a coloring book is an okay idea, but the hospital now limits what can be used because of covid.

I speak with the t at IOP today. I'm nervous to tell her how intense it's been and how much I don't know what to do/turning to old behaviors. I'm down right now and scared. I didn't sleep well. Got maybe 5 hours and my norm is 7.

Yesterday I was too bored and not wanting to do anything. Being very indecisive. Then I did something I regret, signing up for a website where I'm triggered. I need to deactivate the account. But right now it's better than sui. But it also is dangerous, both physically and emotionally. I'm just too fragile right now.

But I'm lonely too. And bored. I need different things to do. But I don't know where to turn. I know I'm depressed.
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Default Jun 23, 2020 at 07:45 PM
  #8
Have you played the games here? They're fun. And how about writing things on your computer? What do you like to read? Then try your hand at writing something in that line.
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Default Jun 24, 2020 at 02:47 PM
  #9
I feel like I can't tell anyone IRL how I truely feel. I'm afraid that I'll have to go into a place that will make things worse. I'm afraid I'll lose my job, and I'm afraid that I'll be in more physical pain than I am already. Yet,
Possible trigger:
I'm afraid of the consequences.

I'm watching Merlin, and trying to relax before work. I've got a difficult conversation/possible no-show coming up. I took an Ativan. I can't let my fear over take me. I hope to speak to my t soon. But I know it will be in riddles. I'm hoping for another option than things that have been tried before. What I really need is a place that can treat the sex addiction and the depression. But few exist for women in the states. And I'm afraid the insurance may not pay for it. And I may lose my job. How can I take care of myself if I can't get the treatment I need?
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 08:14 PM
  #10
I always fear the worst possible outcomes before and while I go inpatient, and they never seem to pass. Like you said you worry about losing your job, but most places won’t fire you if you are receiving medical treatment. If you’re at risk, it’s better to go so that you can get the help you need. The universe has a way of working out the way it needs to.
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 10:37 PM
  #11
I had an amazing session with my t on Thursday. I finally talked about the root of my addictive behaviors, and that is I was yelled at for curiosity and was never exposed to sex until I was an adult! I didn't even know what I was doing what the name was. I learned that the depression started from feeling shame and hiding the behavior from my family, as I felt dirty doing what I did. Yet it was normal curiosity. And I felt lonely after moving to a new State in the USA, away from family. I was happy for the first few years of my life, and I didn't understand why I had to move. I think I thought I did something to cause my parents to decide to move, but deep down I knew it would be bad. I knew I would miss my cousins. The first year we went down to see them 5 times. After that it lessened.

Ever since this discovery, my mood has improved, because I understand where the depression/addiction started. I know that I need to make better connections, but I'm scared. I don't want my addiction to be triggered when I start to be more social. I don't even know if I have the skills I need to be successful. I will be getting more help on an outpatient basis. I'm excited, yet I'm scared to change.

I read today about a friend's journey over the last few years. What I learned was you can be in a miserable place and change can still happen. It requires work, and consistent effort. I need a plan.i spent today working on a plan, but found it may not be what I want. I don't know what I want in life.

I have been told what to do, and now I want to find out for myself. But I don't want to disappoint my family. Their approval means a lot to me, and I don't know why?! I need to not be a fence sitter, half in, half out. I've been that way for 6 years. I was angry for part of that time because of something I couldn't control.

I've learned a lot this week. And it wasn't easy.
Possible trigger:
I have a lot of work to do. And I know I can't let fear stop me.
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