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Transarchist2001
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Trig Jul 24, 2020 at 11:48 AM
  #1
April 14th, 2019. Maybe you had an anniversary. Or a birthday. Maybe a child was born. Maybe you lost someone one close to you. But to me, that date had a different meaning. That date was my breaking point; the first day of many that I tried to take my own life.

I remember it clear as day. I can recite my note from memory. I can tell you my reasons, what I did, that I came close but never went through. I can tell you my emotions, my despair, my pain. But I instead choose to dwell on the aftermath. After inpatient, what changed? If anything at all?

I had gone through a breakup after being totally used for about a month, and that was my breaking point. I ended up telling my school counselor the next day, and she told me to go to the hospital later that night. I went, and was obviously admitted. After all, I was there after basically making an attempt on my own life.

The hospital itself was nice, the treatment I received was impeccable and honestly lifesaving. Ever since being admitted four times, I've decided that I want to become a social worker and help children like myself in the ER. But even though it helped some, I still feel horrible.

My depression is worse than ever, the entire last week has been a rapidly changing manic/depressive cycle, and every step I take to put my life back together takes me two steps back.

If it gets better, why haven't things changed? Pardon my French, but why do I still feel like ****? Why do my friends who have gone through the hospital and residential and PHP and IOP feel better, but it just makes things worse? Is there something wrong with me? Why am I like this?
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Default Jul 24, 2020 at 05:08 PM
  #2
I have to say that hospitalization was not the cure all for me. I ended up with trauma memories associated with the hospital. Not that some good hasn't come out of it because I managed with some help to overcome some pretty self damaging behavior since being hospitalized, but being hospitalized did definitely make things worse, particularly for a while. I have a hard time on the anniversary date of my hospitalization. I don't seem to have the same problem with the anniversary dates of my prior suicide attempts. So that says something.

I've never been PHP or IOP so I can't speak to those. I've just had outpatient and inpatient care. I much prefer outpatient.


I'm sorry you are still feeling bad. Do you have an outpatient therapist you can talk to? Are you on any medications? Sometimes these things help. Sometimes not. It is good that you have a goal of wanting to be a social worker at an ER. That is a good goal to have and it is noble of you to want to help others. I applaud you. I'm sorry your depression is worse than ever and that you are in a manic and depressive cycle. Do you have bipolar disorder? My Mom has that. I have Schizoaffective disorder--depressed type, ADHD, Autism spectrum, and GAD.


I hope you find some relief and support.
Hang in there.
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Default Jul 25, 2020 at 10:08 PM
  #3
Oh, geez! I've been IP three times in my life and each was worse than the previous. All 3 times were traumatic - and not even because of my own issues, but because the pdocs were not caring people, much of the staff was rude and clearly burned out, and I had personal items stolen by other patients. During my first IP a woman came into my room during the night and put a pillow over my face. Talk about traumatizing...it was awful! Fortunately, a nurse heard me screaming and kicking and pulled the woman off of me.

I would do just about anything to avoid IP ever again. It's horrible. Maybe if a person has access to a really swank hospital it's not as bad, but that was not my situation.

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Default Nov 01, 2020 at 12:24 PM
  #4
Yeah it made things worse and was no help at all. I wasn’t even assessed prior to leaving to make sure I wasn’t a danger to myself.
I went back to doing the same things I was doing only more worse and frequent.
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Default Nov 07, 2020 at 04:55 PM
  #5
I'm so sorry you are going through these things and wish you the best. I won't say I know how you feel, but I know what you and others mean about hospitals... I'm not exactly sure how many times I've been admitted, but I know it's been at least 3-4+ times, and none of them actually really considerably made a difference/helped, let alone changed anything, (which is what I desperately need) and if anything only in the bigger picture just made me feel even 'worse' due to various reasons.

And now feeling even closer to the edge than ever really, I just feel so helpless and 'powerless', because I desperately need some serious or at least consistent help, more than just seeing some therapist for an hour or two a week, but at the same time being admitted to some hospital (especially considering I'd have to hurt myself first) is not the right type of help either and if anything would only truthfully make things worse...

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Default Nov 07, 2020 at 05:45 PM
  #6
After one of my last episodes I decided that I wanted to help others. So I have started bible college. It may be you finding your purpose. I had a set back but I plan to get back to school soon. I feel you may find your calling while trying to learn. I keep spinning around but I'm sure I will find my way. Just try to learn and you may find your way. Good luck.

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Default Nov 08, 2020 at 05:50 PM
  #7
It appears to be common.

Psych hospitalization only addresses acute illness. I don't think they help suicidal people very much, besides keeping them safe for a short period of time. After the immediate crisis is over, they are nearly useless.

Most of my hospitalizations helped but not a whole lot. The place was triggering. I kept to myself. Hearing other people's reasons for being their depressed me and made me feel like my problems were insignificant. A lot of that had to do with being misdiagnosed and feeling unheard and respected.

The staff psychiatrist I was assigned to was decent enough. My outpatient psychiatrist worked at the same hospital, so I was able to get somewhat decent care. They tried to help and never threw me out like some patients there experienced.

The psych inpatient unit I stayed at was filled with elderly who had dementia and oncology patients who were depressed from their treatments. There were some psychotic patients waiting for housing placements. It was actually a really depressing place to be at.

I briefly participated in a day program. It was a joke, so I quit. I found it very invalidating and triggering. There was a lot of bad behavior there. Witnessing other patients yell at staff wasn't particularly helpful. Actually I found it traumatic.

I avoid hospitals even when I am suicidal. Usually I get through on my own. Somehow that comforts me.

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Default Nov 08, 2020 at 09:41 PM
  #8
It worked for me in the way the TV show Scared Straight is supposed to work. I was a teenager during 99% of my hospitalizations and a lot of them were at children’s psychiatric hospitals and I think only 3 or 4 maybe out of my 22 hospital stays were actually ok.

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Default Nov 10, 2020 at 08:03 AM
  #9
It appears to be common. Quote of the year!
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Default Nov 10, 2020 at 10:45 AM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Photonate View Post
I desperately need some serious or at least consistent help, more than just seeing some therapist for an hour or two a week, but at the same time being admitted to some hospital (especially considering I'd have to hurt myself first) is not the right type of help either and if anything would only truthfully make things worse...
I feel that so much. I've never been hospitalized, because while I have suicidal thoughts, I've never been in any actual danger, but sometimes I think that maybe if I did try and do something and went to the hospital, something would change.
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Default Nov 21, 2020 at 04:43 PM
  #11
I feel mixed. The groups were helpful, some of the other patients were cool and could have made good friends if I met them outside. The part that bothered me the most is I'm a grumpy sleeper and people are noisy when they are stressed out. I felt paranoid the whole time and things people said or did fed into it. I didn't like the diagnosis the hospital gave me or being at the first two or three hospitals, but that was so long ago. After those I went to a few more it's all such a blur.
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Default Nov 22, 2020 at 08:07 AM
  #12
I suppose it may depend on where you are in the world. For when I've been admitted to hospital, it has felt like less than a theraputic approach and more about medication and containment. As such, I found myself getting worse before I got better.

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