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Old 03-15-2021, 04:16 AM   #1
ReveuseTroublee has no updates.
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Location: France
Posts: 132
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Unhappy Traumatized by psychiatry?

I just had a bad panic attack - memories of that time returned.
I tried to show myself that my surroundings looked different.
That I was home and safe but it did not work that well.
I feel bad - like I should feel thankful.
But I feel the opposite...
And guilty because of this.
Maybe it will go away on it's own again over time.
I don't know if I can handle meeting with a mental health professional - I am scared of it.
Therapy scares me.
It makes me feel like they have control over my life. Not me.
And also I am tired of being judged.
Like I got many times.
I don't want to tell my whole story here.
Now chunks of memories of that time are resurfacing.
I feel like I am not allowed to call this trauma.
Or people will tell me to not overreact and to be thankful.
That this is not valid.
I trust my psychiatrist - it will be awful probably to meet him in terms of anxiety but I am trying to tell myself he is different. And has treated me well unlike the rest.
I feel so awful for hating these people.
They just help.
So I should love them for what they do and appreciate their work.
I just can't.
I am scared to open up. For letting one in.
Maybe I can erase the hate (through therapy)
But I feel like the hate is also protecting me...
Even if it makes me feel guilty.
I am not a hateful person neither angry.
But lately I feel like that changed.
And I hate myself for it.
I am scared I am really overreacting like they told me.
And I am wrong in feeling the way I do.
I talked to a friend who also told me that place has added to her trauma - but she has been through so much worse than me.

I just feel like I never left that place.
I feel alone with this but deep down I highly suspect am not and that is saddening.
Nobody talks about this... Like a taboo.
Mental and general hospital were horrible experiences for me... The forced treatment mostly.
Everything that happened now fuels my ED.
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Old 03-15-2021, 03:36 PM   #2
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Location: USA
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Default Re: Traumatized by psychiatry?

Dear ReveuseTroublee,

My heart goes out to you! I share so many of the thoughts and feelings you describe. You describe them better than I ever could. I think your thoughts and feelings are totally understandable.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Old 03-16-2021, 06:17 PM   #3
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Default Re: Traumatized by psychiatry?

You are definitely not alone. People are traumatized by hospital stays. The medical profession knows this. Psychiatry knows it, too.

Iíve been in an inpatient psych unit a few times in my life. The experiences have definitely left a permanent mark on me, mostly in a bad way. My worst experience was in an adolescent inpatient psych unit at a childrenís hospital. The place was about power and intimidation. Teenage BS, social contagion (e.g., self-harm), and the wordless psychiatrist who preferred psychoanalysis type therapy made the place hell. When I entered that place I was sad. That is it. Eight weeks later I came out broken and despondent.

The adult inpatient unit at a general hospital was a better experience. The patients were more diverse and there was more privacy. The staff were a lot more respectful. There was no emphasis on shaping people to conform to society, which I appreciated. People rarely acted out and fought with the staff, unlike the drama filled adolescent psych unit.

Iíve been a medical patient as well. It wasnít as traumatic, even though some procedures felt violating at times. I didnít particularly enjoy getting pocked for blood and IVs. They were way worse than NG tubes and Foley catheters.

I donít know if it is possible to fully recover from iatrogenic harm and hospitalizations. I certainly havenít been able to. The only thing that has helped me is avoidance (as much as possible). Whenever I have to go I keep to myself. For me that means not revealing history, diagnosis etc to any patients. This has helped tremendously.

My experiences have taught me to be cautious especially around medical personnel. Iím a lot more reluctant to go to the doctor for medical issues. Psychiatry is different. I wonít reach out even when I am suffering. The fear of being judged and misdiagnosed is overwhelming enough that I would rather suffer in silence than subject myself to those people.

Dx: Didgee Disorder
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